OVERWHELMED!


As someone with BPD, I am overwhelmed very easily.  It’s been an extremely difficult year for me.  I have DBT skills that I have learned what works for me.  I suffer from fatigue constantly.  I need much longer to complete tasks than most people – eg. housework.  My husband and mother-in-law do most of it.  I feel extremely guilty because of it.  This leads to depression.  My mother-in-law offers “advice” which doesn’t help.  All it does it make me feel worse.  I can’t just “snap out of it.”  I do the best I can, but I feel like it’s never good enough, like I’m never good enough.  I feel so totally invalidated all the time.  I wish they could understand but no one wants to talk about it.  My mother-in-law says that they’ve read all about it and “know all about it.”  What have they read about it?  Is it from a reliable source?  Or is it all misconceptions?  They know all about it?  Try living with it every day!

I haven’t really blogged in a long time because my daughter told my husband that “Mom’s writing all about us!”  I struggled with whether I should continue or just reblog others’ posts.  I really need an outlet where I can vent my feelings and not be invalidated or put down because of it.  I showed them this blog when I first created it because I thought it might help them understand BPD and me better.

I have so much inside me that’s been dying to come out.  I’m sure if it makes sense to anybody else or not.  Our brains are wired differently than most people’s.  But we are good enough the way we are, even though I can’t believe that right now.  It takes me a lot longer to process my feelings than people without the disorder.  If they interrupt that process, it takes even longer.  When it happens repeatedly, it’s extremely damaging to my self-esteem.  I feel like I have to have some alone time to distract myself from the overwhelming thoughts and feelings.  If I don’t get that, or am made to feel guilty for it, it leads to depression.

Almost every day, I go to the local Peer Support Center.  I attend several groups there.  I am trying so hard to better myself and spread awareness of BPD.  As soon as I get home, any good feelings I had earlier instantly disappear, replaced with dread and a feeling of impending doom, like I’m marching off to my death.  Other people would call this overreacting, but I’m sure many people would agree with me.  I feel it physically in my body.  My husband and mother-in-law think that housework is more important.  I think that my mental health is the most important thing, and that if they would stop invalidating me all the time, I would be so much better and could do the housework a little better.  Probably not at the pace that they would like, but at a pace which I am capable of.  To expect more than that from me is more devastating that they could possibly know.

My husband needs counselling as well but has had bad experiences with it in the past.  He says he’s “too old.”  I believe you’re never to old to get the help you need.  If I’m in pain, I’m going to get help as soon as possible!

Anyways, sorry for the rant.  Just tired of feeling so overwhelmed all the time.  Thanks to anyone who actually finished reading this!

– Joyce.

20 responses to “OVERWHELMED!

  1. I completely understand where you are coming from. I’m still trying to understand my BPD diagnosis. It helps to hear another’s experiences, although I m sorry you’re not having a n easy time

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  2. I really hope you don’t stop blogging. I was recently diagnosed with BPD and still have a lot to learn. I follow you on Tumblr and your posts are a source of comfort to me every day, and I’m sure a lot of other people feel the same way. It’s always nice to know that there’s someone out there I can relate to. Thanks for everything you’ve already posted and here’s to hoping you will keep it going. I hope you feel better tomorrow than you did today ❤

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    • Thank you so much! Your comment just brought tears to my eyes (happy tears!) I see my counsellor and my psychiatrist on Tues. She’s going to change my meds. I’m currently on Cymbalta. It’s not just my medication though, it’s my life. I’ll keep everyone posted on my meds, etc.

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  3. I will comment in more depth when I have a keyboard. I would encourage you to keep blogging and not restricting yourself to reblogging. You have a lot to offer and a lot to share. I see a similarity to group therapy in blogging. You can help others and receive the same from them yes? Keep reaching out.

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    • I feel like blogging is very similar to group therapy as well. I don’t feel so alone when I read other blogs. I hope others get something out of mine as well. Thanks for your comment!

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  4. I know exactly what you mean. Fortunately we never have company and my husband Isn’t fussy about the house. I do what I can. One thing that has really helped me is getting horses. I wanted one all my life. It only took about 55 years. I love my animals because you can talk too them, hug on them, and even cry and the only thing they do is love you just the way you are. Don’t know if you like animals or not. Some stables have an equine therapy program and it works wonders.

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    • I love animals! My mom and dad rent a house next to a farm, and the horses come up to the fence to be petted and fed apples. We always had dogs and cats growing up. We used to have cats but we had to give them up (long story). I know what you mean about animals not judging you. I’ve heard that a lot of Borderlines love animals better than people. I feel like that a lot. Hug your horses for me!

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  5. 😦

    It’s so complex…. I feel much if the same way 😦

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  6. It is interesting that your family reads your blog, but perhaps this is good, if you open up more they will perhaps get more of a glimpse of what or how you perceive things. This is always good. They will also read comments, this is better, then, and I am writing this, hoping they are reading comments too, they will receive you are not alone. Not alone in how you feel, how you respond, how you perceive things. Because then they will catch a glimpse of others that feel as you do, respond as you do, that you are not alone in this. To know you are not really an island, not alone in how you see, feel things, it is very important.

    This is again like group yes? to see you are not alone? but families don’t always go to group with you. they should. They go in my groups. This is good. How can your support network support you, without attempting to understand? Your family is your support network, they need tools to properly support. To attempt to understand. oh they may never truly understand, but perhaps a bit more.

    Perhaps those good feelings you leave group with, would last longer if your family shared them with you.

    no one is too old for counseling. No one is too old to feel better.

    *HUGS*

    Amber

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  7. Thank you again Joyce for sharing your feelings / experiences with us all . When I read your posts here or FB I always relate so much I actually feel we live the same life , I understand that dreaded feeling when I’m out and come home it suffocates me I litterally feel I’m gasping for air. I used always wish people around me could feel how I feel both mentally and physically every minute of every day but I wouldn’t like my loved ones to feel the overwhelming fear , anxiety , depression , guilt ect , that’s why we need people like you to keep writing not just for the help it gives us but I have shown “non BPDs” some of your post because I can’t get out how I’m feeling without crying and then hiding so thank you from the bottom of my heart for explaining how fragile I feel when I can’t voice it (((((hugs)))))))

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  8. Hi Joyce!

    I am also diagnosed with BPD and i can relate to what you have written over here.. I would just say that founding your post over here is a great relief for me in a sense that yes i am not alone, other people also feel same. please keep posting and i would love to read you again. I even cannot get therapy, as my family will not understand and again that same stigma and the fear of being called psycho.. lucky you that you are getting therapy, i am also a psychology student, but as a doctor cannot do his heart surgery himself likewise i cannot treat myself.. but you know how much we need people around us and fear abandonment, the same fear surrounds me whenever i think what if my family know that i have BPD because they can never accept me like this.. But i am really hopeful.. you are wonderful Joyce! keep it up.. (virtual hugs)

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    • Thank you so much for the beautiful comment and hugs (hugs back.) It took me a long time to feel comfortable with having mental illness. Finally, I just didn’t care anymore what people thought (mostly.) I hope you find the strength to find your voice and speak up about your diagnosis (baby steps!) Dialectical Behaviour Therapy is a godsend for those of us with BPD. I’d seek out help with DBT skills. Debbie Corso may be helpful with this. Check out this link: https://www.facebook.com/DBTpath

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  9. Thanks a lot Joyce for mentioning this link, very informative and really helpful.. thanks again :)sending lots of love

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