OVERWHELMED!

As someone with BPD, I am overwhelmed very easily.  It’s been an extremely difficult year for me.  I have DBT skills that I have learned what works for me.  I suffer from fatigue constantly.  I need much longer to complete tasks than most people – eg. housework.  My husband and mother-in-law do most of it.  I feel extremely guilty because of it.  This leads to depression.  My mother-in-law offers “advice” which doesn’t help.  All it does it make me feel worse.  I can’t just “snap out of it.”  I do the best I can, but I feel like it’s never good enough, like I’m never good enough.  I feel so totally invalidated all the time.  I wish they could understand but no one wants to talk about it.  My mother-in-law says that they’ve read all about it and “know all about it.”  What have they read about it?  Is it from a reliable source?  Or is it all misconceptions?  They know all about it?  Try living with it every day!

I haven’t really blogged in a long time because my daughter told my husband that “Mom’s writing all about us!”  I struggled with whether I should continue or just reblog others’ posts.  I really need an outlet where I can vent my feelings and not be invalidated or put down because of it.  I showed them this blog when I first created it because I thought it might help them understand BPD and me better.

I have so much inside me that’s been dying to come out.  I’m sure if it makes sense to anybody else or not.  Our brains are wired differently than most people’s.  But we are good enough the way we are, even though I can’t believe that right now.  It takes me a lot longer to process my feelings than people without the disorder.  If they interrupt that process, it takes even longer.  When it happens repeatedly, it’s extremely damaging to my self-esteem.  I feel like I have to have some alone time to distract myself from the overwhelming thoughts and feelings.  If I don’t get that, or am made to feel guilty for it, it leads to depression.

Almost every day, I go to the local Peer Support Center.  I attend several groups there.  I am trying so hard to better myself and spread awareness of BPD.  As soon as I get home, any good feelings I had earlier instantly disappear, replaced with dread and a feeling of impending doom, like I’m marching off to my death.  Other people would call this overreacting, but I’m sure many people would agree with me.  I feel it physically in my body.  My husband and mother-in-law think that housework is more important.  I think that my mental health is the most important thing, and that if they would stop invalidating me all the time, I would be so much better and could do the housework a little better.  Probably not at the pace that they would like, but at a pace which I am capable of.  To expect more than that from me is more devastating that they could possibly know.

My husband needs counselling as well but has had bad experiences with it in the past.  He says he’s “too old.”  I believe you’re never to old to get the help you need.  If I’m in pain, I’m going to get help as soon as possible!

Anyways, sorry for the rant.  Just tired of feeling so overwhelmed all the time.  Thanks to anyone who actually finished reading this!

– Joyce.