I Can’t Take Anymore!


I feel like I’m gonna have a nervous breakdown because of our daughter.  I’m so tired of everything.  I’m tired of being so broke.  I’m tired of trying to be strong all the time.  I wish my husband would try a little bit to get better.  He suffers from social anxiety.  So do I.  I’m trying to work on mine.  He never leaves the house.  I’d say he has agoraphobia.  I used to, years ago.  I worked very hard to overcome it.

My daughter asked me for money again tonight.  She said her stomach was bothering her.  I offered her something for it, but she said that she needed something specific that she could only get downtown.  She started fussing until I agreed to go to the corner store next door and get some money out of the bank machine to give her.  I offered her a few bucks, but it wasn’t enough.  She wanted more.

I feel like crying.  I’ve felt it coming for a long time – months.  I think I might start crying soon and not be able to stop.  She said they also needed soap and body wash and stuff.  I got a few things together for her, but she didn’t want them.  It’s so unfair!  I wish she’d get paid already!  Then she wouldn’t have to give me a nervous breakdown bugging us for money all the time.

I’ve tried so hard to help her out – telling her where they can get meals cheap or free (Peer Support Centre or Mission), offering to help her out with budgeting and making out shopping lists, etc.  But it’s never good enough.  I can’t take any more!  It’s been months of this!  I wish she’d go to the local Community Mental Health Centre and talk to a counselor there.  But she won’t do that.  They could hook her up with various organizations that could help them out.  But she won’t.  She’d rather give me a nervous breakdown.  I know I’m rambling but I can’t help it tonight.  I’ve had enough!  I really can’t take anymore.  I’m starting to hate my daughter.  I feel horrible saying that but the thought of seeing her fills me with dread.  What a rotten thing to say about my daughter, eh?

We’ve used almost all of our overdraft and we still have a few more days until we get our Baby Bonus.  As soon as we get it, half of it will go towards paying back our overdraft.  Then I have to pay the credit card companies.  With no money.  And buy groceries.  The only thing I use the one credit card for is mostly just for groceries.  Not anything frivolous.  I used to save our overdraft for emergencies only.  Now we don’t even have any money hardly.  We’ve already had our water shut off for a few hours until I called and paid the minimum to get it turned back on again.

Right now, I’m blasting music on my headphones and trying to make everything go away for a little while.  It’s sort of working for now.  I don’t know for how long though.  I’m feeling totally overwhelmed right now.  I’ll let you know how I’m feeling later.

Till then,

– Joyce.

4 responses to “I Can’t Take Anymore!

  1. It sounds like things are really hard, and your daughter seems to be pushing you to the limits of reasonable. I really don’t think you should feel bad for resenting the situation. It doesn’t help, but I admire your strength at getting through all of this, and the past months. I really hope your daughter becomes more independent soon so you can look after yourself for a bit, then rebuild a better relationship with her. Take care, Joyce. xx

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  2. Joyce, you are care taking your daughter, and need to set boundaries. You can still express you care without taking on the responsibility of taking care of her. I am assuming she is a grown woman, who needs to grow up. As long as you keep providing her with money, you will be fostering her dependence on you, and allowing her taking advantage of you, versus her learning to be responsible for herself. Here’s a suggestion to consider:

    Tell her: “When you ask for money, I am overwhelmed and concerned. I need you to take care of yourself. I need you to come up with a plan so you are no longer dependent on me. Taking care of yourself will benefit our relationship, and give me peace of mind.”

    This way you are still expressing you care without taking on the responsibility of care taking her. To be clear, it is also NOT your responsibility to offer her advice or come up with a plan. That is what she needs to do. She needs to think for herself.

    Some people feel anxious if/when someone appears to need help, and almost feels compelled to then help the person. If that’s you, those are your feelings which you need to deal with; remind yourself you do not want to enable your daughter in a dysfunctional pattern. It may appear in the moment that you are helping her by giving her money; but, truthfully, in the long run, you are not. You are keeping your child dependent on mama, and though it may be hard for you to see your baby fall, it most likely is the only way she will learn to stand on her own two feet.

    Also with my suggestion, you are also directly, and honestly, letting her know your feelings. Even if she does not validate them, you are validating them for yourself.

    Be prepared that she may push back against your words because she is use to getting her way – you giving in. Use a broken record technique and be firm- keeping repeating that you care but that you need her to take care of herself. Be consistent in your message, both in words and actions.

    Respect yourself, your feelings, and your limits. Your daughter will then have a greater chance of respecting you, with you showing respect for yourself.

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    • It’s complicated because she’s only 17, but we’re responsible for her until she’s 18. She moved in with her 20-year-old boyfriend and their 19-year-old friend a couple of months ago. Her boyfriend is on Welfare, and their friend has a job at a coffee shop. She just started working there Tuesday, but won’t get any pay for a couple of weeks. She’s kind of on her own, but not really. She’s not officially an adult yet for another year almost (next August). She’s not too mature, she wants to be a grown up but have none of the responsibility. She doesn’t want to buy lots of groceries. They buy some at the end of the month, and then halfway through the month they’re broke and have no food. Same as us. But at least I try to budget for it. She doesn’t. She just wants me to give her money so that she can buy takeout. We don’t buy takeout all the time. I’ve told her where she can get food cheap or free, I’ve offered to help her budget and do up a shopping list, but she wants no part of that. She just wants money.

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