When my husband and I had a talk last night, I said that I was a very emotional person. He said that I hadn’t been really emotional for the last five years. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, or why it would happen. Are my meds numbing me out? I’m supposed to change dosages next month. I’m supposed to go from two Abilify tablets with a Cymbalta capsule in the morning and one in the afternoon to one Abilify with my Cymbalta in the morning and one in the afternoon. I don’t know if that will help me with my fatigue or not. Or if Spring coming will help. I hope so! At least I won’t have to worry about snow and ice and bundling up and freezing to death and taking half an hour to get ready to go anywhere. We can open the windows at let some oxygen in the house. I hope that helps.
I wonder if my husband said that I’m not as emotional meant that it’s because I’ve learned how to manage my emotions much better? Last fall, my mother-in-law and I weren’t getting along that well. But we had some talks and she understands me so much better now. I wish my parents and sister would talk about BPD with me. They only want me when I’m happy, not when I’m sad. I wish they wanted all of me. I tried to explain things to them once, but it was just too awkward. They’ll never understand. I don’t have to worry about my brother understanding. He’s a narcissist. He thinks he knows everything, but he doesn’t.
I know I’ve talked about this before but I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t wait until April 1st when I change my meds and the weather gets better. Then I can maybe not be quite so fatigued all the time. And maybe I’ll have my emotions back. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not though.
Thanks for listening,
– Joyce.
I wish your family showed you that they love every part of you. You are a wonderful person, Joyce, with an enormous heart. There is a beautiful quotation I read today:
“Tell me every terrible thing you ever did, and let me love you anyway.”
I think I like it because it seems the polar opposite of the conditional love I have felt from my own family. Take care. xxx
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Thank you for your kind comment! ❤ Maybe I'll do another post on my family and how they feel about and have dealt with my emotions.
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It is so hard to know you cannot share all of yourself. I believe that is what happens in emotional neglect. Some may call it BPD. If we are especially sensitive and feel deeply (as most with so called BPD do) we need others who understand, But what happens is that we are told our emotions don’t make sense or are wrong or too extreme. It is so human to want to share sadness and be comforted. I am so sorry you did not get that but you can give it to yourself now and hopefully find those who love and support all of you. (-)
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Things have changed quite a bit since I wrote this post. My brother took his own life. My mother-in-law and I talked and things are a lot better between us. My sister expressed some interest in BPD, so I lent her a book of mine about it. She’s working her way through it slowly. Hopefully, it’ll help her understand me better. I am reviewing my DBT skills and am trying to use them to self-soothe now. I attend a weekly Craft Group on Wednesday mornings. It helps. I think my husband accepts all of me. We have our problems just like any other couple, but can work through it.
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