Mixed Emotions Re: My Family’s Reactions to My Brother’s Suicide and My Tribute to Him

*** TRIGGER WARNING!  SUICIDE! ***

My family doesn’t want to talk about my brother’s death being a suicide.  I’d like to talk about it, busting stigma, and therefore, feeling like I’m doing something good that will come out of it, thereby easing my guilt and sadness.  Since they don’t want to talk about it, I can’t do what I feel I need to do to grieve properly and feel better, which makes me angry.  Then I feel guilty for being angry with my family.  I shouldn’t feel angry with them.  All of this keeps going around and around in my head.  I just want to be able to not let his death be in vain.  Also, I want to feel less guilty that I wasn’t there for him before he committed suicide.  I’ve been told that I shouldn’t feel guilty but I can’t help it.  If I could do something to make up for it, to be an advocate on his behalf since he can’t, I’d feel better.  I’m trying to keep a tribute to him going, but my family is against almost everything to do with it.  They just want to not talk about it at all.  I know I’m really rambling here but I just needed to try to explain how I’m feeling.  I’m gonna talk to my counsellor next week about this.

Thanks again for listening,

— Joyce.