Mixed Emotions Re: My Family’s Reactions to My Brother’s Suicide and My Tribute to Him


*** TRIGGER WARNING!  SUICIDE! ***

My family doesn’t want to talk about my brother’s death being a suicide.  I’d like to talk about it, busting stigma, and therefore, feeling like I’m doing something good that will come out of it, thereby easing my guilt and sadness.  Since they don’t want to talk about it, I can’t do what I feel I need to do to grieve properly and feel better, which makes me angry.  Then I feel guilty for being angry with my family.  I shouldn’t feel angry with them.  All of this keeps going around and around in my head.  I just want to be able to not let his death be in vain.  Also, I want to feel less guilty that I wasn’t there for him before he committed suicide.  I’ve been told that I shouldn’t feel guilty but I can’t help it.  If I could do something to make up for it, to be an advocate on his behalf since he can’t, I’d feel better.  I’m trying to keep a tribute to him going, but my family is against almost everything to do with it.  They just want to not talk about it at all.  I know I’m really rambling here but I just needed to try to explain how I’m feeling.  I’m gonna talk to my counsellor next week about this.

Thanks again for listening,

— Joyce.

7 responses to “Mixed Emotions Re: My Family’s Reactions to My Brother’s Suicide and My Tribute to Him

  1. Hi Joyce, I’m so very sorry about your brother’s death by suicide. I am a suicide survivor and lost the love of my life to suicide going on 10 years next year…some days it seems like yesterday, thinking of the could have been, should have been, what won’t be…not only for me but for him. A part of me died that day, and I’m sure you’re feeling the same. You are so only in the feeling guilty phase, could have, should have, if only I’d done this, that or the other…I’ve gone around in my mind about it what seems like a million times…I’ve cried a million tears…I’m sorry your family will not face the trauma you are going thru, your brother went thru…and that they are burying inside. Sometimes people won’t face the pain because it is just too painful…but YOU must work thru your pain, your grief, your anger at him, your anger at yourself and your anger with your family. Maybe right now they are just trying to survive it…if they ignore the pain it doesn’t exist…you can do this…one thing that I have come to accept is that I can or could have done NOTHING to change what happened that night…I will ALWAYS miss him…and I will NEVER be “over it”…we loved the person we lost…we will NEVER be over it!!! … and that is okay !!! My very best to you and thank you for sharing your story! ❤ Susie ❤

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    • Thank you so much for your comment! I can’t wait to talk to my counsellor about this but talking to people like you really helps. People who won’t judge you or tell you not to feel however you’re feeling. ❤

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      • I’m so happy to have helped and give you something to go on!!! You can honor your brother on your own in your own way in your own time. The ideal would be for your family to hop on board in time…if not…you do for you what you need to do!!! It WILL help you in all areas of your life, any negatives comments from your family…it THEM…it is their, unhealthy ways of dealing with this!! ❤ Susie ❤

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  2. Perhaps they are grieving in the way they have to. It isn’t an easy subject. I don’t think my kids want to talk about my attempted suicide. Luckily I didn’t know how much alcohol and pills I needed to get the job done.I don’t really want to be dead and now I am doing what I can to help others and to help myself at the same time.

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  3. I’m so sorry for your loss, Joyce. You feel whatever you feel. They are not right or wrong. There’s no should or shouldn’t s. You are right where you are supposed to be.

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    • Thank you. I’m having so many emotions and thoughts going around in my head all the time right now. It really helps to be able to talk about it to others who will listen and validate my feelings, whatever they are.

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