“Who am I? And what do I want?”

AntiParrot: the Art of Becoming Tilly

Identity disturbance is a common symptom of BPD. People are always telling me to “do what makes me happy” or asking “what do you want out of life?”. Advising me that only when I listen to what I want and include meaningful activity in my life will I behappy.

But how do you do this when you don’t know who you are? And I don’t mean, like the “normal” level, where “everyone feels that way” (I hear this all the time). I mean like in a way where, if I’m not wearing a mask of some kind there is purely and simply a void of emptinessbeneath. I might just disappear. Cease to be.

Cognitively and through therapy I know that not to be true, but the search for “who I am” still consumes my every waking moment in a way that makes me doubt existence…

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