I had my Anxiety and Panic Group today. The facilitator had a bunch of handouts with all kinds of symptoms of anxiety. Here are some associated with Depersonalization, a common symptom of BPD when under extreme stress:
My daughter and her boyfriend just stayed here for a couple of nights. Yesterday, they were invited to supper at a friend of mine’s place. I think they spent the night there. I think she’s gonna let them spend another night or two there, then they’re gonna be put up at a motel for a couple of nights courtesy of the local women’s shelter. Then they’re supposed to spend December at a motel at a monthly rate. I hope everything works out for them because my nerves are totally shot. I’m gonna lose it one of these days. I can just feel it.
They didn’t really cause too much trouble when they were here. They did a load or two of laundry. They were supposed to go to an appointment with a worker, and they were running late because my daughter was dilly-dallying, as usual. She has no ambition whatsoever. I can see very lazy too, but mine is from fatigue. At least I try. It seems like she doesn’t even try. It might take me a while to get things done but I get them done. If I have an appointment though, I’m always on time, usually a few minutes early.
I still won’t feel better until I know for sure that they have that motel room for December. It’s too cold for them to just be walking the streets all night, without even money for a hot coffee. We can’t really give them any money, we don’t have any. All of ours went to them and bills and groceries. All I do is worry!
My daughter got a bit of an attitude while she was here, as usual. Her boyfriend called her a grouch, but she didn’t say anything. If that had been us, she would have shouted at us “I AM NOT!” Every time we said anything to her, her response was “Whatever!” No respect whatsoever. She wasn’t too bad but if they had stayed any longer, she would have been. You never know when she’s gonna blow up at you. She’s sold things from the house before. She’s put dents in the wall. She broken her bedroom door off its hinges. It’s just best if she doesn’t stay here.
I feel so friggin’ guilty though! I just hope that they find out soon 100% that they have a place to stay for December. Then maybe I won’t have to feel quite so bad.
My daughter finally applied for welfare. She did it online while she was here. They went to Social Services yesterday and it sounds like they’re gonna give it to her. Thank God! At least I don’t have to worry about that now.
Thanks everyone for being here for me,
My daughter showed up at the Peer Support Centre today. She wanted money for takeout for lunch again. I told her that we couldn’t afford it. She started crying and trying to make me feel guilty. She said that she’d have to start begging random people on the street for money for food. I told her that she could grab an apple or a granola bar at the Peer Support Centre for free to hold her until suppertime. She didn’t want an apple or a granola bar. She wanted takeout. Eventually she left. I talked to the staff and to my counselor today. My nerves get so bad wondering when she’s gonna come next and bug me for money. The Peer Support Centre is supposed to be my place to take care of me and de-stress. She comes there and causes stress. Where do I go now? What do I do?
She told me today that her and her boyfriend are supposed to get their own place at the end of the month. I asked her how they could afford it. She said with his Welfare cheque. I told her that she should call them and be put on his cheque, but she won’t call. She’s gonna be off our cheque. We won’t get any Baby Bonus money for her. We’ll have to start looking for a cheaper place as soon as possible.
I know she’s probably gonna be there tomorrow. I’m dreading it! I’ll have to say no to her again, and she’ll probably start crying again. She says she keeps sleeping in and missing lunch. She needs to set an alarm clock to wake herself up in time to sign up for lunch at the Peer Support Centre or go to the Mission for lunch. Not my problem!
Sorry for the rant again today! It really got to me when she started crying. It was so hard to say no. Which was exactly her intention of course. But I did it. I’ll probably have to do it again tomorrow, though. Wish me luck!
I feel like I’m gonna have a nervous breakdown because of our daughter. I’m so tired of everything. I’m tired of being so broke. I’m tired of trying to be strong all the time. I wish my husband would try a little bit to get better. He suffers from social anxiety. So do I. I’m trying to work on mine. He never leaves the house. I’d say he has agoraphobia. I used to, years ago. I worked very hard to overcome it.
My daughter asked me for money again tonight. She said her stomach was bothering her. I offered her something for it, but she said that she needed something specific that she could only get downtown. She started fussing until I agreed to go to the corner store next door and get some money out of the bank machine to give her. I offered her a few bucks, but it wasn’t enough. She wanted more.
I feel like crying. I’ve felt it coming for a long time – months. I think I might start crying soon and not be able to stop. She said they also needed soap and body wash and stuff. I got a few things together for her, but she didn’t want them. It’s so unfair! I wish she’d get paid already! Then she wouldn’t have to give me a nervous breakdown bugging us for money all the time.
I’ve tried so hard to help her out – telling her where they can get meals cheap or free (Peer Support Centre or Mission), offering to help her out with budgeting and making out shopping lists, etc. But it’s never good enough. I can’t take any more! It’s been months of this! I wish she’d go to the local Community Mental Health Centre and talk to a counselor there. But she won’t do that. They could hook her up with various organizations that could help them out. But she won’t. She’d rather give me a nervous breakdown. I know I’m rambling but I can’t help it tonight. I’ve had enough! I really can’t take anymore. I’m starting to hate my daughter. I feel horrible saying that but the thought of seeing her fills me with dread. What a rotten thing to say about my daughter, eh?
We’ve used almost all of our overdraft and we still have a few more days until we get our Baby Bonus. As soon as we get it, half of it will go towards paying back our overdraft. Then I have to pay the credit card companies. With no money. And buy groceries. The only thing I use the one credit card for is mostly just for groceries. Not anything frivolous. I used to save our overdraft for emergencies only. Now we don’t even have any money hardly. We’ve already had our water shut off for a few hours until I called and paid the minimum to get it turned back on again.
Right now, I’m blasting music on my headphones and trying to make everything go away for a little while. It’s sort of working for now. I don’t know for how long though. I’m feeling totally overwhelmed right now. I’ll let you know how I’m feeling later.
My counsellor asked me today if I’d ever thought about ending therapy. I hadn’t really thought about it. I’ve been in therapy for about twenty years now. It feels kind of like a lifeline for me. She mentioned that I do have a lot of friends at the Peer Support Centre. That’s true. I’ve never had that before. I’m doing a lot better than I ever have. She said that, if I needed to, I can always start therapy again. But there’d probably be a waiting list. (Just my thoughts)
There’s going to be a big Annual Symposium on Recovery next month, with people from all of the Peer Support Centres in my area going. They’ve chosen my recovery story and a few others to be featured there. I’m so nervous! I’ve never done anything like this before. But I’m also flattered.
My daughter said that her and her boyfriend have officially moved in with their friend and aren’t just crashing at his place anymore. They’re paying part of the rent and expenses, supposedly. At least she won’t be in limbo anymore. Now we just have to tell ODSP. Then they’ll cut her off of our cheque. We’ll have to find a cheaper place to live. We can barely afford it now. Once they cut her off our cheque, we REALLY won’t be able to afford it!
I’m still waiting for my computer to be fixed. I hope I get it back soon and that I haven’t lost everything on it. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Thanks,
Last night, my husband told our daughter that her boyfriend couldn’t spend the night here. She said that if he couldn’t then she wouldn’t either. I have no idea where they stayed last night, or where they’re staying tonight. Is she walking the streets all night? Sleeping on a park bench? Or did they find somewhere to stay?
I spent the day at my parents’ house visiting them and my sister. I had a great day and forgot about things for a little bit. We had a barbecue for lunch and corn-on-the-cob for supper. Yum! I showed my sister how to do some stuff on the computer. I think she really appreciated it. I let her copy some of my songs onto her laptop.
When I got home, I asked my son how his day went. He had fun skateboarding as usual. I got him a bedtime snack. (Ice cream!)
I asked my husband how his day went. He said it was just like any other day. Then he said something nice and I felt like crying because I thought he’d be upset with me and he wasn’t. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but that’s how I feel. Everything is still getting to me. Thank God the Peer Support Centre is open tomorrow. I really need to talk to somebody. I see my counsellor on Wednesday. I wish this situation with my daughter would improve. I don’t know if my husband remembers what he said the other day or not. I’ve been thinking about it all last night and today. I could hardly sleep last night. I kept waking up every couple of hours.
I hope they let my daughter get on Welfare. Then they’ll have their own money and a place to stay and we won’t have to worry about them either staying here or on the streets. Thanks for listening to my rambling again!
My daughter and I went to the Welfare office yesterday. I don’t know if they’re going to let her get on it or not. Her and her boyfriend showed up here at midnight last night saying they had nowhere else to stay. We told them that they could stay here and that he could sleep on the couch. He didn’t.
They came back today and said that they couldn’t stay with their friend they were staying with, because their friend was away. So they’re planning on staying here again tonight. My husband doesn’t want them to. I’m not feeling the best. My husband and I had a talk yesterday and tonight he said something about our relationship that really hurt. I wish things could get better. I still feel like crying. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Everything is so hard right now. At least I had fun playing with my son today. We drew pictures and guessed what they were. I watched him skateboard for a bit.
It feels like everything is falling apart.
When I got home from my group yesterday, I didn’t see my Jack O’Lantern on the counter where it had been left that morning. I asked everyone if they’d seen it. My kids hadn’t seen it. My MIL said she hadn’t seen it, and that “it wasn’t quite for kids, was it?” I never asked her that. I just asked her if she’d seen it. I didn’t necessarily make it for kids. I just made it because I thought it would be a really cool idea for a Jack O’Lantern. I didn’t get a chance to ask my husband until this morning. He just told me that it was it the way, so he “chucked it out back.” I hadn’t even gotten a chance to put a candle in it yet. I wanted to show you guys pictures. I spent so much work on it. Not having a good day today!
Nobody around here even cares about all the groups and everything I do to try to improve myself. My husband and mother-in-law are always saying that I need help. My husband just wants me to do more housework around here. He needs help but won’t get any.
I’m trying to joke around about it a bit to try and feel better. It’s not working very well! I’ve been sitting here crying. Everything hurts so bad! I wish I could feel better! I’m having stupid thoughts again about “I’m just in the way here. ” I’m sorry for bothering everyone with this but I just had to let it out. I don’t have anywhere else where anyone cares.