Today I went to see my psychiatrist to get my diagnosis confirmed. Except from the usual questioning that I think I know my responses by heart to now and the ‘Yep, textbook Borderline Persona…
Source: Top 10 Tips for a Depressed Mind | Borderline Bethany
When a friend or family member confides in you and tells you they have depression, it can be hard to know how to react. On one hand, you want to keep letting them know you’re there for them, but on
Source: World Mental Health Day: Blurt Foundation’s CEO On How She’s Helping Those Affected By Depression
How do you know when you’re coping well and when you’re just holding back tears? How do you know if you’re just numb? I can’t cry. The last time I remember crying is last fall, one year ago. Have I just been coping really well for the last year? Or am I just not allowing myself to cry? I tell myself that it’s okay to cry but nothing happens. Does something really horrible have to happen for me to cry? I don’t want something really bad to happen just for me to be able to cry. Should I watch a really sad tearjerker movie so I can cry? But I feel like, if I start crying, I won’t be able to stop.
I don’t know if this makes any sense or not, but it’s how I’ve been feeling for months now. I’m gonna think about it some more and talk to you guys about it later. Till then,
I feel like I’m gonna have a nervous breakdown because of our daughter. I’m so tired of everything. I’m tired of being so broke. I’m tired of trying to be strong all the time. I wish my husband would try a little bit to get better. He suffers from social anxiety. So do I. I’m trying to work on mine. He never leaves the house. I’d say he has agoraphobia. I used to, years ago. I worked very hard to overcome it.
My daughter asked me for money again tonight. She said her stomach was bothering her. I offered her something for it, but she said that she needed something specific that she could only get downtown. She started fussing until I agreed to go to the corner store next door and get some money out of the bank machine to give her. I offered her a few bucks, but it wasn’t enough. She wanted more.
I feel like crying. I’ve felt it coming for a long time – months. I think I might start crying soon and not be able to stop. She said they also needed soap and body wash and stuff. I got a few things together for her, but she didn’t want them. It’s so unfair! I wish she’d get paid already! Then she wouldn’t have to give me a nervous breakdown bugging us for money all the time.
I’ve tried so hard to help her out – telling her where they can get meals cheap or free (Peer Support Centre or Mission), offering to help her out with budgeting and making out shopping lists, etc. But it’s never good enough. I can’t take any more! It’s been months of this! I wish she’d go to the local Community Mental Health Centre and talk to a counselor there. But she won’t do that. They could hook her up with various organizations that could help them out. But she won’t. She’d rather give me a nervous breakdown. I know I’m rambling but I can’t help it tonight. I’ve had enough! I really can’t take anymore. I’m starting to hate my daughter. I feel horrible saying that but the thought of seeing her fills me with dread. What a rotten thing to say about my daughter, eh?
We’ve used almost all of our overdraft and we still have a few more days until we get our Baby Bonus. As soon as we get it, half of it will go towards paying back our overdraft. Then I have to pay the credit card companies. With no money. And buy groceries. The only thing I use the one credit card for is mostly just for groceries. Not anything frivolous. I used to save our overdraft for emergencies only. Now we don’t even have any money hardly. We’ve already had our water shut off for a few hours until I called and paid the minimum to get it turned back on again.
Right now, I’m blasting music on my headphones and trying to make everything go away for a little while. It’s sort of working for now. I don’t know for how long though. I’m feeling totally overwhelmed right now. I’ll let you know how I’m feeling later.
Last night, my husband told our daughter that her boyfriend couldn’t spend the night here. She said that if he couldn’t then she wouldn’t either. I have no idea where they stayed last night, or where they’re staying tonight. Is she walking the streets all night? Sleeping on a park bench? Or did they find somewhere to stay?
I spent the day at my parents’ house visiting them and my sister. I had a great day and forgot about things for a little bit. We had a barbecue for lunch and corn-on-the-cob for supper. Yum! I showed my sister how to do some stuff on the computer. I think she really appreciated it. I let her copy some of my songs onto her laptop.
When I got home, I asked my son how his day went. He had fun skateboarding as usual. I got him a bedtime snack. (Ice cream!)
I asked my husband how his day went. He said it was just like any other day. Then he said something nice and I felt like crying because I thought he’d be upset with me and he wasn’t. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but that’s how I feel. Everything is still getting to me. Thank God the Peer Support Centre is open tomorrow. I really need to talk to somebody. I see my counsellor on Wednesday. I wish this situation with my daughter would improve. I don’t know if my husband remembers what he said the other day or not. I’ve been thinking about it all last night and today. I could hardly sleep last night. I kept waking up every couple of hours.
I hope they let my daughter get on Welfare. Then they’ll have their own money and a place to stay and we won’t have to worry about them either staying here or on the streets. Thanks for listening to my rambling again!
My daughter and I went to the Welfare office yesterday. I don’t know if they’re going to let her get on it or not. Her and her boyfriend showed up here at midnight last night saying they had nowhere else to stay. We told them that they could stay here and that he could sleep on the couch. He didn’t.
They came back today and said that they couldn’t stay with their friend they were staying with, because their friend was away. So they’re planning on staying here again tonight. My husband doesn’t want them to. I’m not feeling the best. My husband and I had a talk yesterday and tonight he said something about our relationship that really hurt. I wish things could get better. I still feel like crying. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Everything is so hard right now. At least I had fun playing with my son today. We drew pictures and guessed what they were. I watched him skateboard for a bit.
It feels like everything is falling apart.
I don’t usually get a chance to do things I used to enjoy doing – like just sitting outside reading or relaxing. If I ever do get a chance to, then I don’t enjoy it as much as I used to. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t allow myself to enjoy it because it’s so rare that I’d miss it that much more? I wish I could just enjoy things again like I used to.
We don’t eat together as a family around here. I miss it so much! Whenever I visit my parents and sister, we always eat together at the table. I wish did that here like we used to. We never do anything together anymore.
I went for a couple of walks with my husband and son a while ago. It would be nice to go for more evening walks together. I wish I wasn’t so out of shape.
I feel like all I ever do is complain here lately. I just really need to let this out. I can’t take much more. I’m reading a great book at the moment. I’ll do a review of it when I’m done reading it. It’s helping me feel very validated. Hopefully, it can help others as well.
Sorry for rambling on again. Thanks to anyone who read this.
When you’re depressed, do you want people to say things to try cheering you up? Or does that make you feel invalidated? Sometimes it can feel like they don’t understand the depth of what you’re going through. Like, if they knew how bad you felt they’d know you needed validation and not just cheering up. I need to feel validated when I’m really down.
Does it work for you when they try cheering you up? Does it work sometimes but not others? What works for you? Please let us know in the comments below:
Shane Koyczan and the Short Story Long perform his spoken poem “Blueprint for a Breakthrough”
I HATE WINTER! I hate it with a passion! It’s my least favourite season of all. I hate all the freezing to death, bundling up any time you want to go anywhere, the snowbanks, the ice, the wind chills, the blizzards, etc, etc. I’ve been stuck in the house all week long because of this stupid weather.
I’m in such a rut. I’m so out of shape, fatigued, depressed because I’m too out of shape to do anything. Just thinking about things gets me so overwhelmed. I’ve tried doing some different things to break out of this rut, and it’s not working. I hate hearing the wind howling at the windows all the time, especially when I’m trying to sleep. There’s another thing – sleep, what is that anyways? Something that eludes me as much as possible every night. Taunting me. I get so overwhelmed by everything that I have to lay down for half of the afternoon.
I wish it was Spring. Then at least I could enjoy going for a walk every day without freezing to death. Maybe instead of concentrating on walking as much as possible this year, I should concentrate on toning up. I’ve tried it a few times, but it’s just not working like it used to.
I’ve never been this out of shape in my entire life. Not even when I was nine months pregnant with my son, almost twelve years ago. I’m 5’2″ and I weigh about 195 lbs! I hate it so much!
I usually try to keep this blog as positive as possible but I’m not feeling very positive at the moment. I also try to keep it real. These are my thoughts and feelings for months now. I really needed to vent. Can anyone relate?
Only two-and-a-half weeks until my birthday, but that’s another post. Hope you had a good Christmas and that your winter is going better than mine,