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But I wouldn’t advise it, unless you want to get fired.
I hope you enjoyed this post. I had to do something different today. Trying to distract myself. It’s working pretty well. We all know that more than we already are, lol! You have to go a little crazy to keep from going totally insane, I always say.
I’ve had a very difficult weekend with our daughter. She had a temper tantrum because I wouldn’t give her any money. She did her usual behaviours, which she hasn’t for a while. Things were getting better – so I thought. My nerves were very raw all day. I cried my eyes out that afternoon, and went for a quick walk. I didn’t feel a lot better but I felt slightly better later. I waited until I got tired enough that I could try going to sleep. The next day was my DBT skills group. I couldn’t wait to get out of here. I went for a walk with my husband and son earlier that evening. I’m so out of shape! I wish I wasn’t.
We’ve been having problems with her and money. She keeps asking for money. We give her some, then she asks for more. We have to figure out an allowance for her. We can’t really afford it. We’ve tried in the past to be fair, and it hasn’t worked. She always wants more, and used to throw a temper tantrum if we didn’t give it to her.
We’ve also had problems with her curfew. She called us at 11:00 pm last night to say that she was staying at her friend’s for the night. We’ve told her to call before then so that we don’t worry. Then we heard banging on the door at 1:00 this morning. It was her with a different friend. They went to her room, giggling and talking loudly for a few minutes, then her friend left and our daughter stayed in her room. Then I had to get our son up for school, who was grouchy as usual. He just made it to the bus, as usual.
Life is so exhausting!
My dad had his first round of chemo yesterday. I was so worried when I woke up yesterday. But I kept busy all morning, and half of the afternoon, and mostly forgot about it. Until I met my brother for coffee.
But my sister called yesterday evening and said that it went pretty well. Except that the night before, my dad’s van died on him. Then, yesterday morning, their pump quit working so they had no water. Then my dad had a bad reaction to the chemo and started sweating but they gave him an injection right away and he recovered immediately. At least while he was getting the chemo, he got to watch “The Young and The Restless”! He’s doing pretty well considering. I spoke to him for a few minutes. He said he’s determined to fight this. Thank God! He’s been feeling so discouraged. He could hardly do anything, and he can’t stand just sitting around doing nothing. It drives him crazy!
I kept busy yesterday afternoon by going to a group to review my DBT skills. It was pretty good. We have to practice breathing for next week. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Till next time,
Last Tuesday, I met with my counsellor and my mother-in-law to try to help her understand my BPD. We had a very good talk and I think she’s finally beginning to understand it a bit more. I tried to explain to her how she was unintentionally invalidating me constantly. She told me that she wasn’t saying anything bad to me. I explained to her that it doesn’t matter what she says or how she says it, that to someone with BPD, especially with me, it always feels like criticising and that I’m not good enough. She asked what she could do to make it better and I told her “nothing. Just do your own thing. You can’t make this go away. I’m the only one who can help me.” She got a look on her face like she finally “got it.” Also kind of sad for me.
My counsellor thought that I was very articulate, and told my mother-in-law that I’m doing everything I need to be doing to keep myself as well as I can be. I’m seeing both of them again this Tuesday. It’s good practice for me for running a group or presentation on BPD to educate people on the disorder. I’m learning more about myself every day.
I was so exhausted afterwards that I had to lay down for an hour. People don’t realize how exhausting it is for those of us with BPD just managing our emotions every day. It just comes to them naturally.
I’ll keep you posted on how it goes Tuesday. Till then,
Having BPD is like having a tape recorder (yes, I’m dating myself) playing in your head 24/7, 365 days a year, every year of your life. It’s like a bunch of “voices” all at the same time constantly telling you that you’re not good enough. You can never pause it or stop it or turn the volume down on it. If you’re lucky, you can find a way to drown it out. Those ways are usually self-destructive.
If you get the proper diagnosis, you can learn DBT skills, and learn healthier ways to deal with these voices in your head. They can become a little quieter, but they may never be silenced.
The voices in my head get very overwhelming a lot of the time. I need to distract myself from them by putting on my headphones and blasting my music, until I can feel better. How soon I can feel better depends on many factors. My environment, people I’m with (family usually), how long the emotions have been building up.
My mother-in-law accused me of not thinking about supper until its time to eat. If only she knew what it’s like. You get so overwhelmed by your thoughts, you’re literally paralyzed by them, and can’t even think straight. I have a million thoughts in my head, all at the same time, from the moment I wake up, before I’m even out of bed, until bedtime.
If you’d like to read more about what a typical day is like for me, click here: https://makebpdstigmafree.wordpress.com/2013/05/03/a-typical-day-for-me/
Do you ever feel not listened to? I have ever since I was a kid. I’m always treated like a two-year-old by my husband and mother-in-law. I always feel like it’s amazing I’m alive today because I must be the stupidest person on Earth. Too dumb to live. Dumber than dirt. Like if it was raining outside, I’d been to dumb to come in out of the rain, and I’d catch pneumonia and die.
I need validation and understanding, especially from my mother-in-law. But she keeps doing the same things over and over, even though I’ve told her a million times that it makes me feel worse instead of better. I don’t need to be reminded of every little thing I need to do every minute of the day. I just get overwhelmed and paralyzed. My brain stops working logically. I have to distract myself to feel better. Then I’m not getting anything done around the house. Then I get told I’m not doing anything around here. If she would just listen to me, this vicious circle could be avoided. I guess she would rather be right than to have me do anything around here, or else she would stop.
All she sees is me sitting at the computer all day, every day. Or else I go to the peer support centre downtown for the morning and afternoon, to get a break from her. Which usually helps a little bit. Until I get home. Then I have to listen to it all over again. She doesn’t see what goes on in my head.
I dread getting up in the morning, knowing I’m gonna have to deal with my son and daughter, and my mother-in-law. I dread getting home from the peer support centre or my parents’ house, because I know it’s back to the same old thing, all over again. And she wonders why I feel so bad all the time, and why I can never get anything done around here.
She keeps saying that maybe I need a new therapist or a new medication. No, I just need her to LEAVE ME ALONE! If she’d do that, I’d feel a lot better.
Please see these posts:
I was explaining the incident with my parents’ neighbour to my mother-in-law this morning and she asked me if I should see my psychiatrist. I told her that that wouldn’t fix this. She told me that if something like that happens to her, she’s feel bad about it for a couple of days, but then she’d be over it. It must be nice to be able to do that. I told her that it doesn’t work like that for me.
I did everything that usually makes me feel better but it hasn’t worked. Sometimes it’ll help a little bit for a short time, but it always comes back. What do you do in a situation like this? Right now, it’s not too bad, but it’ll hit me out of the blue, at the worst possible time of course. Life is so hard to cope with without this, let alone having to deal with this too.
My mom and dad’s neighbour is so nice. She took my sister to the hospital at 2 am a while ago when my dad had to go by ambulance. But something she did on Saturday really got to me BIG TIME.
My daughter and I ran into her at the store and got talking to her for a couple of minutes. My dad has inoperable cancer. She asked me how my dad was doing, and then she said, “Not so good, eh?” Then she told me how his stomach was bulging out from the cancer. I haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks. I don’t drive. My dad didn’t feel up to having company lately. He has his bad and not-so-bad days. His neighbour asked me, out of the blue, if my mom and sister were gonna move into town (after my dad passed away). I was so caught off guard, I was speechless for a moment, and then I said “I don’t know.” I tried to act as nonchalant as possible for my daughter, but inside I was anxious as hell. I’m kind of shaking right now just thinking about it. My hear is racing like a thoroughbred on steroids.
I try to distract myself as much as possible from the inevitable, by writing this blog and keeping my mind busy. My husband and mother-in-law think I should be doing other things, that “There’s more important stuff to do around here” like this is just some “cute little hobby”. What they don’t realize that this is keeping me as sane as possible under the circumstances. But then I do feel guilty, like I should be getting stuff done around here. I am so fatigued! I’ve been like this for years. I’ve had tests for everything, and they say it’s “just depression”. I wish I could have more energy to deal with this, and with life in general.
Some people will never get it, no matter how many times you try to explain it to them. They are just incapable of understanding your disorder. I don’t know what to do about that, other than just try to accept it the best you can. I need to distract myself from angry feelings when that happens, which is an awful lot. It feels like they just don’t care, or else they would make more of an effort to remember that I am not like them. My brain does not work like theirs does. My favourite ways to distract myself are: going for a walk and blasting music on the headphones while playing a game on the computer or looking stuff up to keep my mind busy.
Here is an excellent video clip.
I wish people could try to understand how hard it is for those of us with BPD, and cut us some slack!
What are your experiences with this? How do you feel when it happens? How do you cope? Do you have any suggestions? Please let us know in the Comments section below. I’d love to hear from you! (Please? I’m lonely!) 😦 😆