I had a dentist appointment today. I got a few teeth pulled and a few stitches. My mouth is a little sore. I feel so tired and lazy. I’m gonna try going to bed early tonight. Not that it will work but we’ll see.
I had Craft Group at the Mission this morning. I’m knitting a hand towel. Next week I’m gonna make a salt-and-pepper holder out of plastic canvas and some yarn to go with it.
I had lunch at the Peer Support Centre. They had casserole. I love casserole! Then I carved a pumpkin.
I had a meeting with my counsellor this afternoon. Then I went to the dentist. After that I had to stop at the drugstore, then home to put supper on. What a busy day!
Here’s a picture of my Jack O’Lantern:
You can’t really see the detail in it but it’s supposed to be a dog. Maybe it’ll look better lit up. I’ll try to get a better picture later.
Thanks for being here again. Till next time,
I’ve been feeling so tired and lazy lately, even more than usual, which is a lot. Mondays are so hard this year especially. At least our son is getting up for school pretty well this year. The antibiotics I’m on for my teeth say “May cause drowsiness.” All I want to do is lay down all the time. I’ve even napped sometimes, which never happens. Right now, I’m just trying to listen to my body and rest when I feel I need to.
My computer is so slow! My husband and kids all say that I always have too many tabs open. I need lots of tabs open so that I can go back and forth between them. Sometimes I need to copy and paste links, etc. or compare things, so I need them all open at the same time. I just need a faster computer and faster internet and more money to pay for them both! No problem there (sarcasm!)
I have to remember to call my counsellor tomorrow and reschedule our next appointment. I also have to reschedule with the dentist.
I hope that everyone is having a good day / night depending on where you are. If not, I hope it gets better. Till next time,
Posted in Editorials
All I’ve done is lay around all day. Once in a while, you may need to do that for self-care. But when it turns into doing it all weekend long every weekend, it’s a problem. I just can’t drag myself out of bed. My son wanted me to go for a bike ride with him, but I just couldn’t. I disappointed him. I hate disappointing him. My husband wanted me to pop over to the store and grab him a treat. I couldn’t do that either.
I hate feeling like this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I never used to be like this. I used to go for walks and bike rides all the time. Now I can barely get out of bed on the weekends. During the week, I go to my groups. But when it comes to the weekends, I just feel so tired and lazy.
Just had to let this out. Thanks to anyone who read this. Till next time,
Posted in Editorials
When my husband and I had a talk last night, I said that I was a very emotional person. He said that I hadn’t been really emotional for the last five years. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, or why it would happen. Are my meds numbing me out? I’m supposed to change dosages next month. I’m supposed to go from two Abilify tablets with a Cymbalta capsule in the morning and one in the afternoon to one Abilify with my Cymbalta in the morning and one in the afternoon. I don’t know if that will help me with my fatigue or not. Or if Spring coming will help. I hope so! At least I won’t have to worry about snow and ice and bundling up and freezing to death and taking half an hour to get ready to go anywhere. We can open the windows at let some oxygen in the house. I hope that helps.
I wonder if my husband said that I’m not as emotional meant that it’s because I’ve learned how to manage my emotions much better? Last fall, my mother-in-law and I weren’t getting along that well. But we had some talks and she understands me so much better now. I wish my parents and sister would talk about BPD with me. They only want me when I’m happy, not when I’m sad. I wish they wanted all of me. I tried to explain things to them once, but it was just too awkward. They’ll never understand. I don’t have to worry about my brother understanding. He’s a narcissist. He thinks he knows everything, but he doesn’t.
I know I’ve talked about this before but I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t wait until April 1st when I change my meds and the weather gets better. Then I can maybe not be quite so fatigued all the time. And maybe I’ll have my emotions back. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not though.
Thanks for listening,
I visited my mom and dad and my sister today. My dad has a cold and wasn’t feeling too well, so I gave him lots of hugs and made him some coffee. I taught my sister a new card game I learned at the Peer Support Centre. Just after I got there, my daughter called and wanted to come over for a few hours. She never calls them or comes over. She hasn’t for a couple of years. She probably just wanted to ask them for money. I told my mom not to give her any. If she wants money, she can get Welfare.
We had a delicious beef stew my mom made for supper, and some pumpkin pie for dessert. Then I watched some TV and relaxed with them for a bit before I went home. My sister lent me a healthy recipes cookbook to copy some recipes out of. I should do some baking one of these days. I haven’t baked for ages. I don’t know if I’ve done any baking in the last year or so. I used to love baking. Now I just can’t get the physical or mental energy to. I wish I could. Maybe someday. Wish me luck,
I haven’t gotten a wink of sleep all night because of my stupid arm! I’m so tired and frustrated! All I want is sleep! But since I can’t, I’ll try to do some writing, then probably go to the Peer Support Centre. Today is Women’s Group. I try to never miss it. I know what I’ll be talking about. Maybe send some positive vibes my way if you can. Thanks in advance!
Painfully exhaustedly yours,
Last year, my husband said that I never used to feel so tired all the time. I wasn’t managing my emotions very well either. I think that it takes an awful lot of energy to manage my emotions. I manage them a lot better now, but I’m so fatigued all the time. I wish I could manage my emotions AND have energy too.
Part of it is that I’m so out of shape too. I hate it! I wish I could get in shape. I haven’t got energy to clean or play with my son. I try so hard. I walk for 30-60 minutes every day. You’d think I would be in better shape!
Does anyone else notice fatigue from managing their emotions, or is it just me? I hope it’s not just me. But also, I don’t want anyone else to feel like this either. I know that doesn’t make any sense but who said that I made sense all the time anyways? Whoever did, they were wrong. 😉
Till next time,
I feel so tired and lazy today. Every weekend is like this lately. All I want to do is lay down on the loveseat and nap/rest all day. I wanted to get some stuff done today, but I haven’t gotten anything done, as usual. I hate being so fatigued all the time for no reason. It hasn’t just been a few days or weeks of this, it’s been years! It’s so frustrating and depressing!
Posted in Editorials
I LOVE THIS VIDEO! Does anyone else experience Chronic Fatigue along with their BPD symptoms, or is it just me? This video explains so much!
My daughter gave me a makeover a little while ago. When I went to the Peer Support Centre, I got a lot of compliments on it. Today, a friend at the Centre gave me a gift bag. One of the items inside was some make-up. I’d like to try taking better care of myself, if I can find the energy somehow.
I used to have pierced ears but I haven’t worn earrings for a few years and they’ve healed over on me. I need to get them done again as soon as possible so I can start wearing earrings again. I love wearing big dangly ones. They make me feel so glamorous. I love to feel like Marilyn Monroe!
There were also some hairbands in the gift bag my friend gave me. I need to wash my hair more often. I need to pick up some bubble bath and scented candles so I can have a bit more incentive to take care of me better.
Someday, I’ll have clean hair, my new hairband in my hair, make-up on, earrings in. I’ll feel so good about myself. All I need is some energy to start. Which I’ve been waiting for for years. I try so hard to do all the right things – walking, taking my meds, etc. Nothing ever works.
A few years ago, I lost some weight and felt so good about myself. Then my friend left town without telling me. Can you say abandonment? This was at Christmas. I cried for weeks. My husband said that I ruined Christmas. I never realized that that’s what it was about until earlier this year. It just hit me. I’ve learned so much about myself this past year.
I’m hoping to accomplish some “taking care of me” stuff this weekend. It’s supposed to storm all weekend so I might as well. Wish me luck,
Since I’ve been on the increased dosage of Abilify, I’ve been sleeping a lot, not all at once. I’ve been resting as needed. I felt tired all the time before, but not sleepy. I don’t usually remember dreaming anything. Since my increased dose, I am dreaming more. I can’t remember everything I dream, but I remember a few bits and pieces here and there. I don’t know if this is a good thing or not. I’ve heard that in REM (Rapid Eye Movement) Sleep, is when you dream and that’s when you solve problems of the day.
I don’t know if I should continue resting as needed or not. I’m just going with it for now. Maybe it’ll help me get better. I think I’ve heard that in Deep Sleep you’re not dreaming, that that’s when your body repairs itself.
What do you think? Does anyone else here have trouble sleeping? Do you find the topic of sleep and the brain fascinating? Please comment below:
As someone with BPD, I am overwhelmed very easily. It’s been an extremely difficult year for me. I have DBT skills that I have learned what works for me. I suffer from fatigue constantly. I need much longer to complete tasks than most people – eg. housework. My husband and mother-in-law do most of it. I feel extremely guilty because of it. This leads to depression. My mother-in-law offers “advice” which doesn’t help. All it does it make me feel worse. I can’t just “snap out of it.” I do the best I can, but I feel like it’s never good enough, like I’m never good enough. I feel so totally invalidated all the time. I wish they could understand but no one wants to talk about it. My mother-in-law says that they’ve read all about it and “know all about it.” What have they read about it? Is it from a reliable source? Or is it all misconceptions? They know all about it? Try living with it every day!
I haven’t really blogged in a long time because my daughter told my husband that “Mom’s writing all about us!” I struggled with whether I should continue or just reblog others’ posts. I really need an outlet where I can vent my feelings and not be invalidated or put down because of it. I showed them this blog when I first created it because I thought it might help them understand BPD and me better.
I have so much inside me that’s been dying to come out. I’m sure if it makes sense to anybody else or not. Our brains are wired differently than most people’s. But we are good enough the way we are, even though I can’t believe that right now. It takes me a lot longer to process my feelings than people without the disorder. If they interrupt that process, it takes even longer. When it happens repeatedly, it’s extremely damaging to my self-esteem. I feel like I have to have some alone time to distract myself from the overwhelming thoughts and feelings. If I don’t get that, or am made to feel guilty for it, it leads to depression.
Almost every day, I go to the local Peer Support Center. I attend several groups there. I am trying so hard to better myself and spread awareness of BPD. As soon as I get home, any good feelings I had earlier instantly disappear, replaced with dread and a feeling of impending doom, like I’m marching off to my death. Other people would call this overreacting, but I’m sure many people would agree with me. I feel it physically in my body. My husband and mother-in-law think that housework is more important. I think that my mental health is the most important thing, and that if they would stop invalidating me all the time, I would be so much better and could do the housework a little better. Probably not at the pace that they would like, but at a pace which I am capable of. To expect more than that from me is more devastating that they could possibly know.
My husband needs counselling as well but has had bad experiences with it in the past. He says he’s “too old.” I believe you’re never to old to get the help you need. If I’m in pain, I’m going to get help as soon as possible!
Anyways, sorry for the rant. Just tired of feeling so overwhelmed all the time. Thanks to anyone who actually finished reading this!
I’ve just uploaded a new profile pic. My old one was from about 15 years ago. I sat here crying, debating whether to do it or not. It brought up a lot of self-esteem issues, along with a million other things, all connected to each other. It’s been an extremely difficult year for me, and I’ve had a really hard time lately with feeling totally invalidated with everything, all the time. I suffer from fatigue every day. It’s been years since I’ve had any energy. I don’t even remember what it’s like to wake up refreshed.
If you have any comments please leave them below.
I’ve had a very difficult weekend with our daughter. She had a temper tantrum because I wouldn’t give her any money. She did her usual behaviours, which she hasn’t for a while. Things were getting better – so I thought. My nerves were very raw all day. I cried my eyes out that afternoon, and went for a quick walk. I didn’t feel a lot better but I felt slightly better later. I waited until I got tired enough that I could try going to sleep. The next day was my DBT skills group. I couldn’t wait to get out of here. I went for a walk with my husband and son earlier that evening. I’m so out of shape! I wish I wasn’t.
We’ve been having problems with her and money. She keeps asking for money. We give her some, then she asks for more. We have to figure out an allowance for her. We can’t really afford it. We’ve tried in the past to be fair, and it hasn’t worked. She always wants more, and used to throw a temper tantrum if we didn’t give it to her.
We’ve also had problems with her curfew. She called us at 11:00 pm last night to say that she was staying at her friend’s for the night. We’ve told her to call before then so that we don’t worry. Then we heard banging on the door at 1:00 this morning. It was her with a different friend. They went to her room, giggling and talking loudly for a few minutes, then her friend left and our daughter stayed in her room. Then I had to get our son up for school, who was grouchy as usual. He just made it to the bus, as usual.
Life is so exhausting!
Last Tuesday, I met with my counsellor and my mother-in-law to try to help her understand my BPD. We had a very good talk and I think she’s finally beginning to understand it a bit more. I tried to explain to her how she was unintentionally invalidating me constantly. She told me that she wasn’t saying anything bad to me. I explained to her that it doesn’t matter what she says or how she says it, that to someone with BPD, especially with me, it always feels like criticising and that I’m not good enough. She asked what she could do to make it better and I told her “nothing. Just do your own thing. You can’t make this go away. I’m the only one who can help me.” She got a look on her face like she finally “got it.” Also kind of sad for me.
My counsellor thought that I was very articulate, and told my mother-in-law that I’m doing everything I need to be doing to keep myself as well as I can be. I’m seeing both of them again this Tuesday. It’s good practice for me for running a group or presentation on BPD to educate people on the disorder. I’m learning more about myself every day.
I was so exhausted afterwards that I had to lay down for an hour. People don’t realize how exhausting it is for those of us with BPD just managing our emotions every day. It just comes to them naturally.
I’ll keep you posted on how it goes Tuesday. Till then,
Posted in Editorials
Tagged "I'm not good enough", anxiety, brain, DBT, distract, Empathy, exhaustion, fatigue, guilt, invalidation, mental health, misconceptions, misunderstood, mother-in-law, negative thoughts, overwhelmed, paranoia, sensitivity, stigma, symptoms, Validation
English: Spoon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
by Christine Miserandino. A great way of describing what it’s like to live with chronic, debilitating pain, disability or illness. I can relate to the fatigue part. I’ve had it for several years.