Tag Archives: fatigue

Friends – New and Old


My daughter gave me a makeover a little while ago.  When I went to the Peer Support Centre, I got a lot of compliments on it.  Today, a friend at the Centre gave me a gift bag.  One of the items inside was some make-up.  I’d like to try taking better care of myself, if I can find the energy somehow.

I used to have pierced ears but I haven’t worn earrings for a few years and they’ve healed over on me.  I need to get them done again as soon as possible so I can start wearing earrings again.  I love wearing big dangly ones.  They make me feel so glamorous.  I love to feel like Marilyn Monroe!

There were also some hairbands in the gift bag my friend gave me.  I need to wash my hair more often.  I need to pick up some bubble bath and scented candles so I can have a bit more incentive to take care of me better.

Someday, I’ll have clean hair, my new hairband in my hair, make-up on, earrings in.  I’ll feel so good about myself.  All I need is some energy to start.  Which I’ve been waiting for for years.  I try so hard to do all the right things – walking, taking my meds, etc.  Nothing ever works.

A few years ago, I lost some weight and felt so good about myself.  Then my friend left town without telling me.  Can you say abandonment?  This was at Christmas.  I cried for weeks.  My husband said that I ruined Christmas.  I never realized that that’s what it was about until earlier this year.  It just hit me.  I’ve learned so much about myself this past year.

I’m hoping to accomplish some “taking care of me” stuff this weekend.  It’s supposed to storm all weekend so I might as well.  Wish me luck,

– Joyce.

Abilify and My Sleeping Patterns


Since I’ve been on the increased dosage of Abilify, I’ve been sleeping a lot, not all at once.  I’ve been resting as needed.  I felt tired all the time before, but not sleepy.  I don’t usually remember dreaming anything.  Since my increased dose, I am dreaming more.  I can’t remember everything I dream, but I remember a few bits and pieces here and there.  I don’t know if this is a good thing or not.  I’ve heard that in REM (Rapid Eye Movement) Sleep, is when you dream and that’s when you solve problems of the day.

I don’t know if I should continue resting as needed or not.  I’m just going with it for now.  Maybe it’ll help me get better.  I think I’ve heard that in Deep Sleep you’re not dreaming, that that’s when your body repairs itself.

What do you think?  Does anyone else here have trouble sleeping?  Do you find the topic of sleep and the brain fascinating?  Please comment below:

Fatigue and BPD – A Cartoon


What Fatigue and BPD Feels Like to Me:


What youre thinking Im thinking

What Im really thinking

OVERWHELMED!


As someone with BPD, I am overwhelmed very easily.  It’s been an extremely difficult year for me.  I have DBT skills that I have learned what works for me.  I suffer from fatigue constantly.  I need much longer to complete tasks than most people – eg. housework.  My husband and mother-in-law do most of it.  I feel extremely guilty because of it.  This leads to depression.  My mother-in-law offers “advice” which doesn’t help.  All it does it make me feel worse.  I can’t just “snap out of it.”  I do the best I can, but I feel like it’s never good enough, like I’m never good enough.  I feel so totally invalidated all the time.  I wish they could understand but no one wants to talk about it.  My mother-in-law says that they’ve read all about it and “know all about it.”  What have they read about it?  Is it from a reliable source?  Or is it all misconceptions?  They know all about it?  Try living with it every day!

I haven’t really blogged in a long time because my daughter told my husband that “Mom’s writing all about us!”  I struggled with whether I should continue or just reblog others’ posts.  I really need an outlet where I can vent my feelings and not be invalidated or put down because of it.  I showed them this blog when I first created it because I thought it might help them understand BPD and me better.

I have so much inside me that’s been dying to come out.  I’m sure if it makes sense to anybody else or not.  Our brains are wired differently than most people’s.  But we are good enough the way we are, even though I can’t believe that right now.  It takes me a lot longer to process my feelings than people without the disorder.  If they interrupt that process, it takes even longer.  When it happens repeatedly, it’s extremely damaging to my self-esteem.  I feel like I have to have some alone time to distract myself from the overwhelming thoughts and feelings.  If I don’t get that, or am made to feel guilty for it, it leads to depression.

Almost every day, I go to the local Peer Support Center.  I attend several groups there.  I am trying so hard to better myself and spread awareness of BPD.  As soon as I get home, any good feelings I had earlier instantly disappear, replaced with dread and a feeling of impending doom, like I’m marching off to my death.  Other people would call this overreacting, but I’m sure many people would agree with me.  I feel it physically in my body.  My husband and mother-in-law think that housework is more important.  I think that my mental health is the most important thing, and that if they would stop invalidating me all the time, I would be so much better and could do the housework a little better.  Probably not at the pace that they would like, but at a pace which I am capable of.  To expect more than that from me is more devastating that they could possibly know.

My husband needs counselling as well but has had bad experiences with it in the past.  He says he’s “too old.”  I believe you’re never to old to get the help you need.  If I’m in pain, I’m going to get help as soon as possible!

Anyways, sorry for the rant.  Just tired of feeling so overwhelmed all the time.  Thanks to anyone who actually finished reading this!

– Joyce.

My New Profile Pic


I’ve just uploaded a new profile pic.  My old one was from about 15 years ago.  I sat here crying, debating whether to do it or not.  It brought up a lot of self-esteem issues, along with a million other things, all connected to each other.  It’s been an extremely difficult year for me, and I’ve had a really hard time lately with feeling totally invalidated with everything, all the time.  I suffer from fatigue every day.  It’s been years since I’ve had any energy.  I don’t even remember what it’s like to wake up refreshed.

If you have any comments please leave them below.

– Joyce.

Difficult Weekend and Week with Our Daughter


I’ve had a very difficult weekend with our daughter.  She had a temper tantrum because I wouldn’t give her any money.  She did her usual behaviours, which she hasn’t for a while.  Things were getting better – so I thought.  My nerves were very raw all day.  I cried my eyes out that  afternoon, and went for a quick walk.  I didn’t feel a lot better but I felt slightly better later.  I waited until I got tired enough that I could try going to sleep.  The next day was my DBT skills group.  I couldn’t wait to get out of here.  I went for a walk with my husband and son earlier that  evening.  I’m so out of shape!  I wish I wasn’t.

We’ve been having problems with her and money.  She keeps asking for money.  We give her some, then she asks for more.  We have to figure out an allowance for her.  We can’t really afford it.  We’ve tried in the past to be fair, and it hasn’t worked.  She always wants more, and used to throw a temper tantrum if we didn’t give it to her.

We’ve also had problems with her curfew.  She called us at 11:00 pm last night to say that she was staying at her friend’s for the night.  We’ve told her to call before then so that we don’t worry.  Then we heard banging on the door at 1:00 this morning.  It was her with a different friend.  They went to her room, giggling and talking loudly for a few minutes, then her friend left and our daughter stayed in her room.  Then I had to get our son up for school, who was grouchy as usual.  He just made it to the bus, as usual.

Life is so exhausting!

My Talk with my Counsellor and my Mother-in-Law


Last Tuesday, I met with my counsellor and my mother-in-law to try to help her understand my BPD.  We had a very good talk and I think she’s finally beginning to understand it a bit more.  I tried to explain to her how she was unintentionally invalidating me constantly.  She told me that she wasn’t saying anything bad to me.  I explained to her that it doesn’t matter what she says or how she says it, that to someone with BPD, especially with me, it always feels like criticising and that I’m not good enough.  She asked what she could do to make it better and I told her “nothing.  Just do your own thing.  You can’t make this go away.  I’m the only one who can help me.”  She got a look on her face like she finally “got it.”  Also kind of sad for me.

My counsellor thought that I was very articulate, and told my mother-in-law that I’m doing everything I need to be doing to keep myself as well as I can be.  I’m seeing both of them again this Tuesday.  It’s good practice for me for running a group or presentation on BPD to educate people on the disorder.  I’m learning more about myself every day.

I was so exhausted afterwards that I had to lay down for an hour.  People don’t realize how exhausting it is for those of us with BPD just managing our emotions every day.  It just comes to them naturally.

I’ll keep you posted on how it goes Tuesday.  Till then,

Joyce.

The Spoon Theory


English: Spoon

English: Spoon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

by Christine Miserandino.  A great way of describing what it’s like to live with chronic, debilitating pain, disability or illness.  I can relate to the fatigue part.  I’ve had it for several years.

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/