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Tag Archives: guilt
Experiencing intense and hard to manage emotions is commonplace for those living with borderline personality disorder (BPD). However of all the emotions experienced by this population, some of the most common and difficult to feel are guilt and shame. There are reasons for this emotional challenge in BPD, although it can take some time in …
I feel guilty, like a bad person, that I haven’t cried over my brother’s death. Shouldn’t I be bawling my eyes out? All I feel is shocked and numb. Everyone grieves differently though, I guess. I talked to the lady at the Peer Support Centre today, and she said I shouldn’t feel bad about it.
I have an appointment with my counsellor tomorrow, so I can talk to her about it. My nerves keep bugging me. I can’t sit still. I feel so antsy. I try to keep my mind busy but all I can do is sit and try to concentrate on something like writing or playing solitaire for a few minutes, then I have to get up and walk around with my coffee for a few minutes – back and forth, back and forth.
I haven’t talked to my parents or sister for a couple of days. I’ve been busy, grocery shopping and stuff. I called them earlier and left them a message. They must be busy. I hope they’re doing ok.
Thanks again for listening. Talk to you guys later,
My sister is seven years younger than me. When I was in high school, she always wanted me to play with her, but I never felt up to it. I always thought that I’d do it later. I didn’t know that I had undiagnosed depression and probably developing BPD at the time. I felt so guilty because of it. We’re a lot closer now, but I still wish I wouldn’t been diagnosed and helped sooner. Then I could’ve played with my sister and felt better. I may not have developed BPD, who knows?
Whenever I go to my mom and dad’s, I usually bring my camera and go for a walk with my sister. They live on a farm so there’s all kinds of photo opportunities. I love to take pictures of the horses and the cows and the stray cats. I also love taking pictures of butterflies, flowers and much more. We’ve taken some beautiful pics of gorgeous sunsets. I’d love to take some pictures right now but my camera got stolen. But that’s another post!
Last year, my husband said that I never used to feel so tired all the time. I wasn’t managing my emotions very well either. I think that it takes an awful lot of energy to manage my emotions. I manage them a lot better now, but I’m so fatigued all the time. I wish I could manage my emotions AND have energy too.
Part of it is that I’m so out of shape too. I hate it! I wish I could get in shape. I haven’t got energy to clean or play with my son. I try so hard. I walk for 30-60 minutes every day. You’d think I would be in better shape!
Does anyone else notice fatigue from managing their emotions, or is it just me? I hope it’s not just me. But also, I don’t want anyone else to feel like this either. I know that doesn’t make any sense but who said that I made sense all the time anyways? Whoever did, they were wrong. 😉
Till next time,
As someone with BPD, I am overwhelmed very easily. It’s been an extremely difficult year for me. I have DBT skills that I have learned what works for me. I suffer from fatigue constantly. I need much longer to complete tasks than most people – eg. housework. My husband and mother-in-law do most of it. I feel extremely guilty because of it. This leads to depression. My mother-in-law offers “advice” which doesn’t help. All it does it make me feel worse. I can’t just “snap out of it.” I do the best I can, but I feel like it’s never good enough, like I’m never good enough. I feel so totally invalidated all the time. I wish they could understand but no one wants to talk about it. My mother-in-law says that they’ve read all about it and “know all about it.” What have they read about it? Is it from a reliable source? Or is it all misconceptions? They know all about it? Try living with it every day!
I haven’t really blogged in a long time because my daughter told my husband that “Mom’s writing all about us!” I struggled with whether I should continue or just reblog others’ posts. I really need an outlet where I can vent my feelings and not be invalidated or put down because of it. I showed them this blog when I first created it because I thought it might help them understand BPD and me better.
I have so much inside me that’s been dying to come out. I’m sure if it makes sense to anybody else or not. Our brains are wired differently than most people’s. But we are good enough the way we are, even though I can’t believe that right now. It takes me a lot longer to process my feelings than people without the disorder. If they interrupt that process, it takes even longer. When it happens repeatedly, it’s extremely damaging to my self-esteem. I feel like I have to have some alone time to distract myself from the overwhelming thoughts and feelings. If I don’t get that, or am made to feel guilty for it, it leads to depression.
Almost every day, I go to the local Peer Support Center. I attend several groups there. I am trying so hard to better myself and spread awareness of BPD. As soon as I get home, any good feelings I had earlier instantly disappear, replaced with dread and a feeling of impending doom, like I’m marching off to my death. Other people would call this overreacting, but I’m sure many people would agree with me. I feel it physically in my body. My husband and mother-in-law think that housework is more important. I think that my mental health is the most important thing, and that if they would stop invalidating me all the time, I would be so much better and could do the housework a little better. Probably not at the pace that they would like, but at a pace which I am capable of. To expect more than that from me is more devastating that they could possibly know.
My husband needs counselling as well but has had bad experiences with it in the past. He says he’s “too old.” I believe you’re never to old to get the help you need. If I’m in pain, I’m going to get help as soon as possible!
Anyways, sorry for the rant. Just tired of feeling so overwhelmed all the time. Thanks to anyone who actually finished reading this!
Open letter to BPD itself from a Non-BPD, in support of a loved one: