A New Fridge! (Tomorrow!)

The landlord’s daughter just e-mailed us.  They’ve bought us a new fridge but it can’t be delivered until tomorrow.  So one more day with our small fridge in the laundry room.  We had to get rid of a whole bunch of stuff.  Oh well.  The fridge needed cleaning out anyways.  Tons of condiments with just a tiny bit left in the bottom of the bottle/jar.  Stuff that had been in there way too long and needed to be thrown out anyways, and we just hadn’t gotten around to it.  One of those jobs you never quite get around to doing.

I went to Craft Group this morning.  I sewed some granny squares together.  I’m gonna add them to the afghan I made for my mother-in-law months ago.  I was knitting some hand towels and dish cloths but I’m getting really tired of doing the same thing over and over and over.  I needed a change.  I like crocheting too.

It was so windy today!  All day long, from the time I got up this morning until now.

I ran out of my meds and money yesterday.  I didn’t sleep a wink last night.  I really hope I sleep tonight!  We got paid today and I went to the drugstore and picked up both of my prescriptions so I should be good for another month.  I have an appointment with my psychiatrist later this month.  We’ll have a lot of catching up to do.  I’ll have to give her the news about my brother.  That’ll be a shocker!  I’m still in shock.  I’ve ordered a couple of books about losing a sibling by suicide.  I’ll let you know what they’re like.  I should receive them by the middle of the month, or just after.

Hope we all sleep well tonight.  Thanks for your company.  Till next time,

— Joyce.

Trying to Keep my Brother’s Memory Alive Through Insomnia

I haven’t been sleeping well lately.  Last night, I couldn’t sleep, and so far tonight, I can’t sleep either.  It’s 1:15 in the morning.  I can’t stop thinking about my brother.  I have dentist appointment tomorrow.  I’m not looking forward to that, especially with no sleep for two days probably.

I’ve been working on a project in my brother’s memory.  My sister and parents all think that I shouldn’t be doing it.  But it makes me feel like I’m doing something so that his passing away was not in vain.  Keeping his memory alive.  I’m still working on it at the moment.  But now I don’t feel so good about it, even though I think it’s a great gesture on my part.  I even tried to include them on it, but I don’t know if they’re for it or not.

Right now, I’m just doing what I usually do when I can’t sleep – playing games on the computer and listening to music on the headphones.  I find that if I do that, it helps even if I still can’t sleep.  At least I’m not too anxious about it.  Just very tired!

Thanks again for listening,

— Joyce

Sleepless Again

I haven’t slept a wink all night!  It’s now 3:30 in the morning and I’m so tired I want to cry.  I think it’s partly because I ran out of my Cymbalta and partly because of my daughter’s situation.  I’ve ran out of my Cymbalta a few times and every time, I get insomnia.  It doesn’t help worrying about my daughter.   She asked for money for food yesterday and I gave her a few bucks.  She called me later and asked for more.  I said no.  She called me lazy and hung up on me.  I’d told her I could give her a gift card for the grocery store and she asked “Where am I supposed to cook it?” and I said “Exactly!”  I asked her to come home so we could have a family meeting and she said “No.”  She’d agreed earlier in the day.  She probably just said that because we were at the Peer Support Centre and she wanted money.

Insomnia sucks!  I wish I could sleep but I’m obviously not going to get any sleep tonight.  Oh well.

My son learned a new trick on his skateboard and was so happy yesterday.  He was so excited to tell Grandma!

I need to do some grocery shopping.  I don’t know how I’m gonna stay awake.  I hope I sleep tonight.  It always feels so weird and disorienting when I haven’t slept because it feels like just one long day.  Usually, you would go to sleep then wake up and it’s the next day, so when I don’t have that, it doesn’t feel like another day.

Almost back-to-school time!  My son goes back on September 2nd.  We had a very uneventful summer, other than dealing with my daughter’s stuff the last couple of weeks.  We didn’t go anywhere or do anything.  Boorrring!

At least I get to see my counsellor tomorrow.  Thank God!  I really need to talk to her about our daughter.  She doesn’t know all the stuff that’s happened while she was on holidays.  Our daughter had just spend a few nights with friends.  My counsellor doesn’t know that our daughter hasn’t been home for two weeks and says that she’s never coming home.

I’m sure I’ll talk to you all again shortly since I can’t sleep.  Thanks again for listening.

– Joyce.

Insomnia and BPD

My insomnia isn’t caused by just worrying about normal things such as bills, etc.  Do you ever get thinking deep, existential weird and stupid thoughts?  For example, I heard that when you’re asleep, you eat bugs.  That was worrying me last night.  I actually fell asleep, though.  Sometimes I get thoughts in my head like that and I can’t sleep.  I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks thoughts like this.  Please tell me I’m not alone in this!

Thanks,

– Joyce.

Abilify and My Sleeping Patterns

Since I’ve been on the increased dosage of Abilify, I’ve been sleeping a lot, not all at once.  I’ve been resting as needed.  I felt tired all the time before, but not sleepy.  I don’t usually remember dreaming anything.  Since my increased dose, I am dreaming more.  I can’t remember everything I dream, but I remember a few bits and pieces here and there.  I don’t know if this is a good thing or not.  I’ve heard that in REM (Rapid Eye Movement) Sleep, is when you dream and that’s when you solve problems of the day.

I don’t know if I should continue resting as needed or not.  I’m just going with it for now.  Maybe it’ll help me get better.  I think I’ve heard that in Deep Sleep you’re not dreaming, that that’s when your body repairs itself.

What do you think?  Does anyone else here have trouble sleeping?  Do you find the topic of sleep and the brain fascinating?  Please comment below:

My bed feels larger than when I was small