Tag Archives: mother-in-law

My Talk with my Counsellor and my Mother-in-Law


Last Tuesday, I met with my counsellor and my mother-in-law to try to help her understand my BPD.  We had a very good talk and I think she’s finally beginning to understand it a bit more.  I tried to explain to her how she was unintentionally invalidating me constantly.  She told me that she wasn’t saying anything bad to me.  I explained to her that it doesn’t matter what she says or how she says it, that to someone with BPD, especially with me, it always feels like criticising and that I’m not good enough.  She asked what she could do to make it better and I told her “nothing.  Just do your own thing.  You can’t make this go away.  I’m the only one who can help me.”  She got a look on her face like she finally “got it.”  Also kind of sad for me.

My counsellor thought that I was very articulate, and told my mother-in-law that I’m doing everything I need to be doing to keep myself as well as I can be.  I’m seeing both of them again this Tuesday.  It’s good practice for me for running a group or presentation on BPD to educate people on the disorder.  I’m learning more about myself every day.

I was so exhausted afterwards that I had to lay down for an hour.  People don’t realize how exhausting it is for those of us with BPD just managing our emotions every day.  It just comes to them naturally.

I’ll keep you posted on how it goes Tuesday.  Till then,

Joyce.

Explaining Your BPD Continued


I have been trying to explain my BPD to my mother-in-law for months.  At first, she had no idea what I was talking about.  But she gets a little bit more out of every conversation we have.  It’s such a complex disorder to try to explain to someone who doesn’t have it.  I believe they can only understand it to a point.  They don’t have to live with it every day of their lives.  They can only try to imagine what it must be like.  At least with depression or Bipolar, you can feel better, with either time or medication or therapy or a combination of them, and the symptoms go away.  With BPD, it never goes away.  You can learn how to manage the symptoms, your emotions and behaviour, but it’s always going to be there, for the rest of your life.  It’s absolutely exhausting!  People expect too much of you.  They think that, if only you’d try a little harder.  They’re seeing things through their own eyes, not ours.  They don’t have our brains.  They think that, if you were trying as hard as you possibly can, you’d be handling things just like them, and you’d be doing so much better.  They don’t realize that, you’re doing the best that you can.  You’re never going to be like them.  That doesn’t mean that you’re any worse than them.  It just means that since your brain works differently, and they have to realize that.

When people expect too much of you, its extremely invalidating.  What they need to do is validate us by saying “I don’t understand exactly how you feel, but I know that you’re doing the best you can.”  This will make us feel validated and then we can get better, at our own pace.  When they push us to do things that we are not capable of, that just makes us feel worse instead of better.  With me, I feel very overwhelmed and paralyzed and I can’t think straight or do anything.  Then they get upset with me for not doing anything, which makes me feel even worse.  I feel so many things so intensely, all at the same time – anger, guilt, etc.  “I’m not good enough.”  I just goes into a vicious circle of negative emotions. Every time I try to explain it to my mother-in-law, she says “Oh, that must be awful!”  And it is.  Sure, sometimes it can be a good thing, but it’s also extremely difficult to live with.

What are your experiences with trying to explain your BPD to others?  Have you had any success or not?  If so, what do you find helpful?  I’ve included some helpful links at the end of this post.

http://lifehacker.com/its-true-thinking-hard-really-can-wear-you-out-504454695

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/borderline/2011/05/borderline-personality-disorder-awareness-month-what-bpd-is-like/

http://insidethebordreline.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/what-is-it-like-to-live-with-bpd.html

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/news/science-news/2008/emotion-regulating-circuit-weakened-in-borderline-personality-disorder.shtml

http://bpd.about.com/u/ua/understandingbpd/sx_ugc.htm

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/recoveringfrommentalillness/2013/02/five-reasons-why-living-with-a-mental-illness-makes-us-exhausted/

https://makebpdstigmafree.wordpress.com/2013/05/01/some-people-will-never-get-it/

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/08/080807144305.htm

https://makebpdstigmafree.wordpress.com/2013/04/22/emotional-profiles-are-you-a-volcano/

http://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/author-shares-daughters-journal-entries-during-borderline-personality-disorder-treatments/

https://makebpdstigmafree.wordpress.com/2013/04/21/as-well-as-i-can-be/

https://makebpdstigmafree.wordpress.com/2013/04/18/identity-disturbance-posts-by-debbie-corso-of-healingfrombpd-org/

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200906/blackwhite-interpersonal-relationships-and-borderline-behavior

https://makebpdstigmafree.wordpress.com/2013/04/17/inside-the-mind-of-someone-with-bpd/

http://showard76.wordpress.com/2011/11/18/if-life-is-a-rollercoaster-then-bpd-is-a-pinball-machine/

Neighbour Incident Aftermath


I was explaining the incident with my parents’ neighbour to my mother-in-law this morning and she asked me if I should see my psychiatrist.  I told her that that wouldn’t fix this.  She told me that if something like that happens to her, she’s feel bad about it for a couple of days, but then she’d be over it.  It must be nice to be able to do that.  I told her that it doesn’t work like that for me.

I did everything that usually makes me feel better but it hasn’t worked.  Sometimes it’ll help a little bit for a short time, but it always comes back.   What do you do in a situation like this?  Right now, it’s not too bad, but it’ll hit me out of the blue, at the worst possible time of course.  Life is so hard to cope with without this, let alone having to deal with this too.

My Parents’ Neighbour and Anxiety


My mom and dad’s neighbour is so nice.  She took my sister to the hospital at 2 am a while ago when my dad had to go by ambulance.  But something she did on Saturday really got to me BIG TIME.

My daughter and I ran into her at the store and got talking to her for a couple of minutes.  My dad has inoperable cancer.  She asked me how my dad was doing, and then she said, “Not so good, eh?”  Then she told me how his stomach was bulging out from the cancer.  I haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks.  I don’t drive.  My dad didn’t feel up to having company lately.  He has his bad and not-so-bad days.  His neighbour asked me, out of the blue, if my mom and sister were gonna move into town (after my dad passed away).  I was so caught off guard, I was speechless for a moment, and then I said “I don’t know.”  I tried to act as nonchalant as possible for my daughter, but inside I was anxious as hell.  I’m kind of shaking right now just thinking about it.  My hear is racing like a thoroughbred on steroids.

I try to distract myself as much as possible from the inevitable, by writing this blog and keeping my mind busy.  My husband and mother-in-law think I should be doing other things, that “There’s more important stuff to do around here” like this is just some “cute little hobby”.  What they don’t realize that this is keeping me as sane as possible under the circumstances.  But then I do feel guilty, like I should be getting stuff done around here.  I am so fatigued!  I’ve been like this for years.  I’ve had tests for everything, and they say it’s “just depression”.  I wish I could have more energy to deal with this, and with life in general.