Tag Archives: my brother

First “Angelversary” for my Brother

On Tuesday, it was exactly one year ago that my brother passed away.  For some reason, I keep feeling angry when I think about it.  I’m trying to work through my feelings the best that I can.  I’m angry that he left us too soon.  I’m angry that he didn’t have to leave us.  I’m angry that he’ll never get to be a great-uncle.

I’m hoping that, eventually, I’ll get through my anger and feel whatever other feelings that come up.  Thanks for listening to me vent.  I really need it right now.  I think if I let it out, maybe I can get to my other feelings.

My parents and sister are handling this anniversary very well.  I wasn’t sure if they would or not.  I’m glad that they’re managing okay and that I don’t have to worry about them too much.  My sister has had problems ever since our brother passed away, but she’s doing as well as can be expected.

Try to keep cool.  Till next time,

— Joyce.

New Flowers for My Brother

headstone 2 On the 26th of this month, it’ll be exactly one year since my brother passed away.  On Sunday, I went with my parents and sister to his grave and put some new flowers on it.  There is also a cross that glows in the dark.  My sister thought that would be a nice touch.  I think it’s an interesting idea.  It still feels almost as though my brother could walk through the door of my parents’ house any time.  It’s starting to sink in that he’s not coming back.  I was wondering how my parents and sister would handle going to his grave now.  Anniversaries can be very hard for some people, but they’re handling it really well.  My sister has trouble with nightmares and PTSD.  But she’s doing very well right now.  I’ve been reading a lot about sibling loss and it helps to know what others are going through.

I hope everyone is having a good summer.  Try to keep cool!  Until next time,

— Joyce.

Running Two Groups In One Day Tomorrow!

Tomorrow morning, I will be picked up to do an out-of-town BPD Group.  Then, after lunch, I will be running another out-of-town group!  I’ve never done two groups in one day before.  I’m so nervous but excited!  I’ve put a Calendar of Events in my newsletter I’ve started, with the dates of where and when I’m going to be doing my groups.  I hope it will encourage more people to join!

This month marks the first anniversary of my brother’s passing away.  I’m not sure how my parents and sister are going to handle it.  They seem to be doing fine with it at the moment.  I still can’t believe he’s gone.  It almost feels like he could still walk in the door of my parents’ house any time.

This past weekend, I went for a bike ride with my son.  Unfortunately, I turned a corner too sharply and fell off my bike, hurting my left foot.  It’s okay as long as I only step on my heel and the inside of it.  I’ve been trying to walk mostly on my right foot and avoid stepping on the outside of my left foot.  It’s exhausting walking to the Peer Support Centre every day, but I can’t stand just being home.  So I hobble down the street and back.  It gets a little better every day.  I can’t wait until it stops hurting though!

I hope you are all having a wonderful summer.  Try to stay cool!  Till next time,

— Joyce.

A Goodbye Dream

The other night, I dreamed that I was crying and telling my brother that I never got a chance to say goodbye to him.  I now know why I dreamed that.  It’s because I never got a chance to say goodbye to the people at my out-of-town BPD group either.  I never got a chance to finish up with them.  I wish I would’ve had a chance to say goodbye before my group got cancelled.

I’m wondering if, because I was crying in the dream, will I someday be able to cry for him while I’m awake?  It’s been several months now and I still haven’t.  It doesn’t feel quite real to me.  I know he’s gone.  I never got a chance to say goodbye to him.

I just thought I would tell you about my dream and the epiphany I had about it.  Thanks for listening.  Till next time,

— Joyce.


A Strange Dream About My Brother

I just woke up from a strange dream.  I was in bed and my brother came to me and said that he was sorry he spent my change and that my friend’s mother had to drive us home.  Then he turned into my son when he was little, and scampered away in his pajamas.

What does it mean?

— Joyce.

Mixed Emotions Re: My Family’s Reactions to My Brother’s Suicide and My Tribute to Him


My family doesn’t want to talk about my brother’s death being a suicide.  I’d like to talk about it, busting stigma, and therefore, feeling like I’m doing something good that will come out of it, thereby easing my guilt and sadness.  Since they don’t want to talk about it, I can’t do what I feel I need to do to grieve properly and feel better, which makes me angry.  Then I feel guilty for being angry with my family.  I shouldn’t feel angry with them.  All of this keeps going around and around in my head.  I just want to be able to not let his death be in vain.  Also, I want to feel less guilty that I wasn’t there for him before he committed suicide.  I’ve been told that I shouldn’t feel guilty but I can’t help it.  If I could do something to make up for it, to be an advocate on his behalf since he can’t, I’d feel better.  I’m trying to keep a tribute to him going, but my family is against almost everything to do with it.  They just want to not talk about it at all.  I know I’m really rambling here but I just needed to try to explain how I’m feeling.  I’m gonna talk to my counsellor next week about this.

Thanks again for listening,

— Joyce.

A Theory Re: My Not Crying for my Brother

I have a theory about why I haven’t cried over my brother’s death yet.  It goes something like this:  If I allow myself to feel upset over his death, that will put me in touch with all of the guilt that I feel regarding my not seeing him as often before he died, and not being there for him just before.  Then, I will feel extremely upset and guilty and not be able to stop crying.  This is just a theory I have.  I haven’t brought it up with my counsellor yet.  I just thought of this the other day.  It’s been kind of simmering around in my head, not fully formed until just now.  If that makes any sense.  I’m gonna talk to my counsellor about it next week when I see her.  Do you think it makes any sense?  Or does it make sense only to me?

Thanks for listening.  Till next time,

— Joyce.

A Bad Dream and an Early Visit

The other night I dreamed about my brother.  I don’t remember the actual dream.  All I know is that the dream was about my brother and that I woke up feeling very stressed out and upset.  I’m sure it’s because he’s been on my mind so much for the last month or so.  He was very charming but could be verbally abusive at times, and physically when we were younger.  But he was a really nice guy at times.

Our daughter came over early this morning.  Her and her boyfriend had been walking around town all night and wanted to crash at our place for a couple of hours.  My husband said, “No way!”  They’ve stolen from us and treated us like dirt a lot of the time.  So they went over to the neighbour’s, where my mother-in-law has been staying, and she let them in.  They’ve gotten her cheque and are now staying at a motel, for how long I don’t know.

I’m probably heading out for a bike ride with my son shortly.  Till next time,

— Joyce

One Month Anniversary of My Brother’s Death Today

It’s been one month today since my brother passed away.  I still haven’t cried for him.  I feel a little guilty for not crying.  I feel kind of like a bad sister.  I’m hoping that, through my tribute, I can be a better sister and make up for not being there for him when he needed me.

I’ve been talking to my parents and sister on the phone almost every day.  They’re not doing too badly considering.  I talked to my sister tonight.  She seemed in good spirits.

I see my counsellor and the dentist tomorrow.  I’m kind of nervous about seeing the dentist.  I have to have some teeth pulled.  They’re all rotten and broken off.  I wish I’d taken better care of them when I was growing up.  I never really brushed them.  I tried to as an adult but I think it’s too late.  I think that some people just have bad teeth.

My daughter came by tonight.  She grabbed a bite to eat then wanted me to go to the store with her.  She said she needed some personal items.  I bought them for her, plus a few treats.  I think the personal items were just an excuse for me to buy the treats for her.  I should have known better.  Hopefully, I’ll know better next time.  She’s so smooth!

Thanks to anyone who actually read this.  I hope you aren’t all snoring right now.  Lol!  I’ll let you know how my appointments go tomorrow.  Till next time,

— Joyce.

After My Brother’s Service

My wi-fi has been out for nearly a week.  I couldn’t keep up with my blogging and e-mail.  I was getting so frustrated!  We just got a new cable for it and it’s working now.  I hope it keeps working!

On Saturday, I attended my brother’s graveside service.  There were quite a few people there.  A couple of his girl friends were crying.  I didn’t cry.  I felt a little guilty.  I still can’t believe it though.  It feels like he could walk through the door at Mom and Dad’s any time.  I’m still numb and in shock.

Everyone said they could hardly hear the minister.  My sister said she wished he hadn’t gone on so much about how my brother died.  He didn’t actually say the word but everyone knew what he meant.  I think it needs to be talked about more to break stigma, so that maybe less people will feel like their only option is to take their lives.  You never read about the actual cause of death in the paper.  I think it would help bust stigma.

After the service, my daughter and I went over to my parents’ house for the day.  She hadn’t been over in a long time, probably a year or two.  My son and husband didn’t attend the service or visit.  My son hasn’t gone over for a year-and-a-half or so.  My husband never goes over.  My uncle and a few of my aunts came over for lunch then left.  We got a few pictures of all of us together.  It’s good to take lots of pictures because you never know when someone will be gone and you may not have that many of them and can’t take any more.

I guess I’m all caught up now.  Thanks again  for listening to my rambles.  Till next time,

— Joyce.