Tag Archives: my brother

First “Angelversary” for my Brother

On Tuesday, it was exactly one year ago that my brother passed away.  For some reason, I keep feeling angry when I think about it.  I’m trying to work through my feelings the best that I can.  I’m angry that he left us too soon.  I’m angry that he didn’t have to leave us.  I’m angry that he’ll never get to be a great-uncle.

I’m hoping that, eventually, I’ll get through my anger and feel whatever other feelings that come up.  Thanks for listening to me vent.  I really need it right now.  I think if I let it out, maybe I can get to my other feelings.

My parents and sister are handling this anniversary very well.  I wasn’t sure if they would or not.  I’m glad that they’re managing okay and that I don’t have to worry about them too much.  My sister has had problems ever since our brother passed away, but she’s doing as well as can be expected.

Try to keep cool.  Till next time,

— Joyce.

New Flowers for My Brother

headstone 2 On the 26th of this month, it’ll be exactly one year since my brother passed away.  On Sunday, I went with my parents and sister to his grave and put some new flowers on it.  There is also a cross that glows in the dark.  My sister thought that would be a nice touch.  I think it’s an interesting idea.  It still feels almost as though my brother could walk through the door of my parents’ house any time.  It’s starting to sink in that he’s not coming back.  I was wondering how my parents and sister would handle going to his grave now.  Anniversaries can be very hard for some people, but they’re handling it really well.  My sister has trouble with nightmares and PTSD.  But she’s doing very well right now.  I’ve been reading a lot about sibling loss and it helps to know what others are going through.

I hope everyone is having a good summer.  Try to keep cool!  Until next time,

— Joyce.

Running Two Groups In One Day Tomorrow!

Tomorrow morning, I will be picked up to do an out-of-town BPD Group.  Then, after lunch, I will be running another out-of-town group!  I’ve never done two groups in one day before.  I’m so nervous but excited!  I’ve put a Calendar of Events in my newsletter I’ve started, with the dates of where and when I’m going to be doing my groups.  I hope it will encourage more people to join!

This month marks the first anniversary of my brother’s passing away.  I’m not sure how my parents and sister are going to handle it.  They seem to be doing fine with it at the moment.  I still can’t believe he’s gone.  It almost feels like he could still walk in the door of my parents’ house any time.

This past weekend, I went for a bike ride with my son.  Unfortunately, I turned a corner too sharply and fell off my bike, hurting my left foot.  It’s okay as long as I only step on my heel and the inside of it.  I’ve been trying to walk mostly on my right foot and avoid stepping on the outside of my left foot.  It’s exhausting walking to the Peer Support Centre every day, but I can’t stand just being home.  So I hobble down the street and back.  It gets a little better every day.  I can’t wait until it stops hurting though!

I hope you are all having a wonderful summer.  Try to stay cool!  Till next time,

— Joyce.

A Goodbye Dream

The other night, I dreamed that I was crying and telling my brother that I never got a chance to say goodbye to him.  I now know why I dreamed that.  It’s because I never got a chance to say goodbye to the people at my out-of-town BPD group either.  I never got a chance to finish up with them.  I wish I would’ve had a chance to say goodbye before my group got cancelled.

I’m wondering if, because I was crying in the dream, will I someday be able to cry for him while I’m awake?  It’s been several months now and I still haven’t.  It doesn’t feel quite real to me.  I know he’s gone.  I never got a chance to say goodbye to him.

I just thought I would tell you about my dream and the epiphany I had about it.  Thanks for listening.  Till next time,

— Joyce.


A Strange Dream About My Brother

I just woke up from a strange dream.  I was in bed and my brother came to me and said that he was sorry he spent my change and that my friend’s mother had to drive us home.  Then he turned into my son when he was little, and scampered away in his pajamas.

What does it mean?

— Joyce.

Mixed Emotions Re: My Family’s Reactions to My Brother’s Suicide and My Tribute to Him


My family doesn’t want to talk about my brother’s death being a suicide.  I’d like to talk about it, busting stigma, and therefore, feeling like I’m doing something good that will come out of it, thereby easing my guilt and sadness.  Since they don’t want to talk about it, I can’t do what I feel I need to do to grieve properly and feel better, which makes me angry.  Then I feel guilty for being angry with my family.  I shouldn’t feel angry with them.  All of this keeps going around and around in my head.  I just want to be able to not let his death be in vain.  Also, I want to feel less guilty that I wasn’t there for him before he committed suicide.  I’ve been told that I shouldn’t feel guilty but I can’t help it.  If I could do something to make up for it, to be an advocate on his behalf since he can’t, I’d feel better.  I’m trying to keep a tribute to him going, but my family is against almost everything to do with it.  They just want to not talk about it at all.  I know I’m really rambling here but I just needed to try to explain how I’m feeling.  I’m gonna talk to my counsellor next week about this.

Thanks again for listening,

— Joyce.

A Theory Re: My Not Crying for my Brother

I have a theory about why I haven’t cried over my brother’s death yet.  It goes something like this:  If I allow myself to feel upset over his death, that will put me in touch with all of the guilt that I feel regarding my not seeing him as often before he died, and not being there for him just before.  Then, I will feel extremely upset and guilty and not be able to stop crying.  This is just a theory I have.  I haven’t brought it up with my counsellor yet.  I just thought of this the other day.  It’s been kind of simmering around in my head, not fully formed until just now.  If that makes any sense.  I’m gonna talk to my counsellor about it next week when I see her.  Do you think it makes any sense?  Or does it make sense only to me?

Thanks for listening.  Till next time,

— Joyce.

A Bad Dream and an Early Visit

The other night I dreamed about my brother.  I don’t remember the actual dream.  All I know is that the dream was about my brother and that I woke up feeling very stressed out and upset.  I’m sure it’s because he’s been on my mind so much for the last month or so.  He was very charming but could be verbally abusive at times, and physically when we were younger.  But he was a really nice guy at times.

Our daughter came over early this morning.  Her and her boyfriend had been walking around town all night and wanted to crash at our place for a couple of hours.  My husband said, “No way!”  They’ve stolen from us and treated us like dirt a lot of the time.  So they went over to the neighbour’s, where my mother-in-law has been staying, and she let them in.  They’ve gotten her cheque and are now staying at a motel, for how long I don’t know.

I’m probably heading out for a bike ride with my son shortly.  Till next time,

— Joyce

One Month Anniversary of My Brother’s Death Today

It’s been one month today since my brother passed away.  I still haven’t cried for him.  I feel a little guilty for not crying.  I feel kind of like a bad sister.  I’m hoping that, through my tribute, I can be a better sister and make up for not being there for him when he needed me.

I’ve been talking to my parents and sister on the phone almost every day.  They’re not doing too badly considering.  I talked to my sister tonight.  She seemed in good spirits.

I see my counsellor and the dentist tomorrow.  I’m kind of nervous about seeing the dentist.  I have to have some teeth pulled.  They’re all rotten and broken off.  I wish I’d taken better care of them when I was growing up.  I never really brushed them.  I tried to as an adult but I think it’s too late.  I think that some people just have bad teeth.

My daughter came by tonight.  She grabbed a bite to eat then wanted me to go to the store with her.  She said she needed some personal items.  I bought them for her, plus a few treats.  I think the personal items were just an excuse for me to buy the treats for her.  I should have known better.  Hopefully, I’ll know better next time.  She’s so smooth!

Thanks to anyone who actually read this.  I hope you aren’t all snoring right now.  Lol!  I’ll let you know how my appointments go tomorrow.  Till next time,

— Joyce.

After My Brother’s Service

My wi-fi has been out for nearly a week.  I couldn’t keep up with my blogging and e-mail.  I was getting so frustrated!  We just got a new cable for it and it’s working now.  I hope it keeps working!

On Saturday, I attended my brother’s graveside service.  There were quite a few people there.  A couple of his girl friends were crying.  I didn’t cry.  I felt a little guilty.  I still can’t believe it though.  It feels like he could walk through the door at Mom and Dad’s any time.  I’m still numb and in shock.

Everyone said they could hardly hear the minister.  My sister said she wished he hadn’t gone on so much about how my brother died.  He didn’t actually say the word but everyone knew what he meant.  I think it needs to be talked about more to break stigma, so that maybe less people will feel like their only option is to take their lives.  You never read about the actual cause of death in the paper.  I think it would help bust stigma.

After the service, my daughter and I went over to my parents’ house for the day.  She hadn’t been over in a long time, probably a year or two.  My son and husband didn’t attend the service or visit.  My son hasn’t gone over for a year-and-a-half or so.  My husband never goes over.  My uncle and a few of my aunts came over for lunch then left.  We got a few pictures of all of us together.  It’s good to take lots of pictures because you never know when someone will be gone and you may not have that many of them and can’t take any more.

I guess I’m all caught up now.  Thanks again  for listening to my rambles.  Till next time,

— Joyce.

Getting Anxious About My Brother’s Service

I visited my parents and sister on Saturday.  We exchanged some more pictures of my brother.  He’d gone to a car show with a friend the day he passed away.  He’d taken tons of pictures.  One was of him with some famous car guy.  It was the last picture of him ever taken.  We downloaded the pictures onto my mom and dad’s computer.  We didn’t want them to get deleted by accident.  We copied them onto a flash drive so I could save them on my computer too.  My sister is going to back up their pictures onto a flash drive or CD so they don’t lose them as well.  Between my sister and I, we figured out how to download the pictures off my brother’s phone.  It’s a smartphone.  I’ve never used one before.  I found the manual for it online and copied it onto a flash drive, then copied it onto their computer for them so my sister can refer to it if she needs to.

My brother’s graveside service is this Saturday.  Everyone is getting very anxious about it.  I have no idea how it’s going to affect me.  Will I stop being so numb and in shock?  Will I finally cry for my brother?

My counsellor is off this week.  I’ll see her next week.  I’ll probably have a lot to talk to her about then.

Thanks again for being here for me.  Till next time,

— Joyce

My Daughter’s 18 Today, and Why Haven’t I Cried for my Brother Yet?

Today is my daughter’s 18th birthday.  It seems like just yesterday she was born.  She showed up at the Peer Support Centre this morning.  I gave her cards from her dad and I, her grandparents on my side and her grandfather from out of town.  She was very happy with them.  She got a bit of money in each card except ours.  We’ll have to get her something belated.

Something has been really bothering me for a while now.  When my friend moved away at Christmas without telling me several years ago, I cried for weeks.  My husband said that I ruined Christmas.  But I haven’t shed a tear for my brother yet.  It seems like I cared more about her than my own brother, which I don’t.  Is it because I’ve learned how to manage my emotions better since then?  Or because I’m still numb and in shock?  Or both?

Just trying to sort out my feelings and all that’s going on in my head.  Till next time,

— Joyce

Project Problems Getting to Me

I slept last night!  I hadn’t slept for the past two nights previously.  I slept from about 3:30 until 9:00 this morning.

Tomorrow is my daughter’s 18th birthday.  We can’t afford to buy her anything right now.  We’ll have to get her something belated.  She probably just wants money anyways, which we have exactly $0.00 at the moment.

Next Saturday is my brother’s graveside ceremony.  I still can’t believe he’s gone.  It feels like he could walk through the door of my parents’ house any time.  Usually, when I visit, he’d show up just before I headed home.

Working on my project is my way of coping with my brother’s death.  When my sister didn’t want me to include her words in it, it started getting to me.  I started having trouble coping.  I don’t know exactly why.

I wish my family wasn’t so ashamed of how my brother died.  It’s really getting to me.  I wish I could use his death for something good – advocating for suicide awareness.  Otherwise, his death was just in vain, and nothing good will ever come of it.  It will never be spoken of again, like some shameful family secret.  I don’t want that for my brother.  But it’s not just up to me.  It’s also up to my parents and sister and they don’t want to talk about how he died to anyone except me.

There’s a great Facebook Page by a lady whose son committed suicide.  She’s using it to raise awareness.  Here’s the link:  https://www.facebook.com/jasonscotthearn  Please check it out and let her know who sent you.

Thanks again for listening.  Till next time,

— Joyce

P.S. The link doesn’t seem to be working for some reason.  The Page is called “In Loving Memory of my Son Jason Scott Hearn”

A Project In My Brother’s Memory

I just got off the phone with my sister.  She wrote something that I thought would go great in the project I’m making in my brother’s memory.  But she doesn’t want it included in it.  I thought that she’d be honoured that I wanted to use her words in it.  I feel so torn.  Her words are perfect for what I want.  I don’t see why she doesn’t want me to use them.  I asked her and she replied “Oh,I don’t know…”  That’s my family’s response to everything.  “I don’t know”  No real reason.  I wish she’d change her mind.  I’m not doing anything bad with them.  I just want to keep my brother’s memory alive.  She said that he was a very private person.  I know that.  I don’t see how making this project is doing anything to destroy that.

I’m just gonna have to do things a different way.  It would be so much easier if my sister would just let me use her words in my project.  Oh, well.  Rant over.  Thank you for listening.

— Joyce

What A Day!

I had an appointment with my counsellor and the dentist today.  I haven’t slept for the past two nights in a row.  I’m so exhausted!  I hope I sleep tonight!  My dentist appointment got erased from their computers for some reason so I didn’t have to go after all.  Yay!  Part of me was hoping to get some dental work over with though.  What a day!

My son always wants me to go for a bike ride at 9 pm.  All I want to do at that time of night is stay in and relax, go on the computer for a bit, then go to bed.  Especially when I haven’t slept.  He keeps telling me that I never do anything with him.  I feel so guilty but I’m still just so exhausted!  I hate it so much!  I’d give anything to be in better shape like I used to be.  I try to play with him.  I wish he’d play board games or something quiet like that with me.

I might go over to my parents’ house for a visit this weekend.  I have a photo of me and my brother to give to them and my sister.  I also have to give them the instruction manual for my brother’s phone that I downloaded.

I talked to my counsellor about the project I’m working on in my brother’s memory.  She thinks its a great idea.  I’m going ahead with it.  I hope my parents and sister want to be included in it.

Wish me luck sleeping tonight.  Thank you in advance,

— Joyce

Trying to Keep my Brother’s Memory Alive Through Insomnia

I haven’t been sleeping well lately.  Last night, I couldn’t sleep, and so far tonight, I can’t sleep either.  It’s 1:15 in the morning.  I can’t stop thinking about my brother.  I have dentist appointment tomorrow.  I’m not looking forward to that, especially with no sleep for two days probably.

I’ve been working on a project in my brother’s memory.  My sister and parents all think that I shouldn’t be doing it.  But it makes me feel like I’m doing something so that his passing away was not in vain.  Keeping his memory alive.  I’m still working on it at the moment.  But now I don’t feel so good about it, even though I think it’s a great gesture on my part.  I even tried to include them on it, but I don’t know if they’re for it or not.

Right now, I’m just doing what I usually do when I can’t sleep – playing games on the computer and listening to music on the headphones.  I find that if I do that, it helps even if I still can’t sleep.  At least I’m not too anxious about it.  Just very tired!

Thanks again for listening,

— Joyce

Missing Cellphone Mystery Solved!

I just read an interesting quote on Facebook.  It fits my brother to a T.  I’d post it here but I don’t know if it would be triggering to people or not.  I wish I could tell people the truth about how he passed away.  But I can’t because my parents and sister don’t want everyone to know.  We’ve only told a few close friends and family members.

My parents and sister have gone through my brother’s things.  They’re going to donate his clothes to charity.  I’m not sure what they’re doing with the rest of his stuff.  He didn’t have much.

My parents said something the other day about “the girls”, meaning my sister and I.  It’s never been “the girls” before.  It was just me; then me and my brother; then me, my brother and sister.  That kinda got to me.  It got me thinking very deeply about things.  It still feels very unreal.

My parents finally found my brother’s cellphone.  It had fallen down in between some cushions.  My sister has been trying to figure out how to use it.  It’s a smartphone.  I’ve never had one.  Mine is a cheap flip-phone.  I found the manual for it online and was telling my sister over the phone tonight how to use it.  I told her to play around with it and check it out.  I’ve saved a copy of the manual and will give it to them the next time I come over and visit.  There’s some pictures on it that we’d like to download before they get deleted by accident.

Thanks again for listening.  Till next time,

— Joyce

My Brother – Update

The other day, my counsellor said that it’s probably not my meds that are numbing me out, it’s probably just the situation right now.

I heard from a friend on Facebook that I haven’t heard from since high school.  She’s got a 25-year-old daughter and two grandkids now.  She heard about my brother’s death and sent her condolences.  It feels nice to hear from an old friend.  I’ve never had that many.  In school, I was bullied and made fun of – all through public school and high school.

My mom said it feels like this is happening to someone else.  It does.  Even with seeing his obituary, it doesn’t feel real.

I couldn’t sleep a wink last night again.  All I can do is think about my brother and wonder why he did what he did.  We’ll probably never know.

I went for a coffee at the local bakery this morning.  I told the lady there that my brother had passed away.  Her and my brother were friends.  I didn’t tell her how he died.  My parents and sister don’t want everyone to know.  If it was me, I’d tell people on Facebook.  It’s the only way to bust stigma.  But it’s not up to me.  There’s my parents and sister to consider.  Maybe if we could’ve talked about how he was feeling, he wouldn’t have done what he did.  We need to raise awareness and fight stigma so that people don’t feel like they have no other options but to take their own lives.

If you’ve read this far, thank you!  Till next time,

– – Joyce.

Reading my Brother’s Obit

I saw my counsellor yesterday.  She said not to feel guilty about feeling numb and in shock still over my brother’s death.  She said that everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace.  Basically what everyone else has been telling me.

My parents and sister came over last night.  My sister wanted to print up a copy of my brother’s eulogy to give to the minister to read.  They don’t have a printer at the moment so I let her print it up on ours.

My brother’s obituary is in the paper online.  There are a lot of condolences from friends and family.  Several of them from people who went to school with him.  I saved a copy on a disk and printed them up for my parents and sister.  They don’t have the internet.  Even seeing it on the computer screen, it still doesn’t feel real.  It’s like he could come walking in the door of our parent’s house any minute.

I went to the Peer Support Centre today.  I participated in a group, then had lunch and left.  I had to pick up my hubby’s meds.

Thanks again for joining me.  Talk again soon,

— Joyce.

Meds Numbing Me Out?

I just realized that maybe part of the reason why I’m still numb regarding my brother’s death is because my meds are numbing me out.

I got off the phone with my sister a while ago.  Her and my parents are doing fine today, considering.  My brother’s cellphone has gotten lost somehow.  My mom is pretty frustrated about it.  My brother had spent the day with a friend at a car show then our friend dropped him off just before my brother passed away.  Our friend feels guilty.  How could he have known?  None of us knew what was going to happen.

My sister hasn’t been eating or sleeping very well.  I can’t really sleep at night either.  I’m gonna talk to my counsellor about it tomorrow.  I wish my sister would talk to somebody.  Nobody in my family except me believes in talking to counsellors.  They all believe in just “toughing it out by yourself.”  Maybe if my brother had talked to someone he might still be here today.

Thanks for listening again.  I just had to share my insight with you guys.  Till next time,

– Joyce.

Feeling Guilty about my Brother

I feel guilty, like a bad person, that I haven’t cried over my brother’s death.  Shouldn’t I be bawling my eyes out?  All I feel is shocked and numb.  Everyone grieves differently though, I guess.  I talked to the lady at the Peer Support Centre today, and she said I shouldn’t feel bad about it.

I have an appointment with my counsellor tomorrow, so I can talk to her about it.  My nerves keep bugging me.  I can’t sit still.  I feel so antsy.  I try to keep my mind busy but all I can do is sit and try to concentrate on something like writing or playing solitaire for a few minutes, then I have to get up and walk around with my coffee for a few minutes – back and forth, back and forth.

I haven’t talked to my parents or sister for a couple of days.  I’ve been busy, grocery shopping and stuff.  I called them earlier and left them a message.  They must be busy.  I hope they’re doing ok.

Thanks again for listening.  Talk to you guys later,

– Joyce.

A Visit With My Parents and More Daughter Drama

I visited my parents and sister today.  They’re doing pretty well, considering.  My sister is trying to write a eulogy.  I tried helping her but I don’t know what to say.  We’re trying to focus on all of the good things about our brother.  He had some problems, but he still didn’t deserve what happened to him.  People keep asking my mom and dad if they can come or invite someone to his graveside ceremony.  My parent keep saying yes.  They just wanted it to be a very small ceremony, just a few close family and friends, but it’s turning into something much bigger than that.  My mom says that she doesn’t know what to say to people at things like this.  I don’t either.

My sister and I exchanged some photos of our brother.  I have a few new ones now.  I’ve just downloaded them onto my computer, and I scanned a few in yesterday.

Their landlord just got a new baby donkey.  It’s so cute!  My sister and I got some pictures of it.  My sister got a bit of video of it jumping up and down like a bucking bronco, and running circles around its mother.  I love animals!

Our daughter came over today.  She harassed her dad for money.  She didn’t get her Welfare cheque yesterday.  She insisted that we owe her money and that we can afford it.  Nope and nope!  We don’t owe her anything.  And we definitely can’t afford it anyways.  By the time we get a few groceries and pay a few bills, we’ll be so broke, it’s not funny!  She should get her cheque on Tuesday.  If not, no big deal at the moment.  Her and her boyfriend are staying with his mom and stepdad right now.  I’m sure they’re not gonna demand payment ASAP.

Thanks again for listening.  Till next time,

– Joyce.

P.S.  I haven’t been sleeping well.  I’ve been taking a couple of my husband’s Lorazepam for the last couple nights.  It’s been helping a bit.  I hope I sleep tonight.  Wish me luck!

Trying to Soothe Myself

I haven’t slept well for the last few days.  Even if I do get some sleep, I feel as though I haven’t slept a wink all night, which is nothing new.  But it’s even worse than usual.  I usually try to eat somewhat healthily.  But right now, I’m allowing myself a little bit of self-soothing through junk food.  I’m not worrying about not sleeping.  I’m just blasting music on my headphones and playing games on the computer.

I’ve been looking for pictures of my brother.  I hardly have any.  I have about 11.  Not much to show for his whole life.  I can feel sadness lurking inside me, just waiting to come out.  So far it hasn’t.  I know it will eventually.  I feel a lot of guilt.  I wish I could’ve done something for him.

Thanks for sticking by me on this journey.  Not sure where it’s gonna take me but I appreciate the company so much!  Till next time,

– Joyce.

My Brother’s Service

I just got off the phone with my mom a little while ago.  She said that they’re having a service for my brother on August 22nd (my husband’s birthday!)  It’ll be a day to remember that’s for sure!  We both agreed that it feels like a dream, that he’ll come walking through the door any time now.

I went to my Craft Group at the Mission this morning.  I grabbed some pamphlets on grief for my parents and sister.  I haven’t read them yet but I hope they find them comforting.  Maybe this weekend I can visit them.

Everyone that they talk to about what happened to my brother wants to come to the service.  They want to just keep it very small, only close friends and family.  I understand totally.  We aren’t ones for crowds anyways.

My sister has been thinking about all of the good qualities about my brother.  Which there were some:  he was a hard worker when he wanted to be, he could be very charming.  I’ll never get to hang out with him again – no more lunches or Bingo or anything.

Thanks for listening again.  It’s really appreciated.  Till next time,

– Joyce.

My Counsellor’s Away

I stopped by the local Community Mental Health agency yesterday morning to leave a message for my counsellor to give me a call as soon as possible.  The receptionist said that she was on holidays until next week.  I left her a voicemail for when she gets back.  It figures that she’d be on holidays.  Things like that always happen when you really need them.

I was just talking to my sister on the phone.  Her and my parents all think that lack of money had a lot to do with what happened to my brother.  Ontario Works (Welfare) had given him some money and they wanted him to pay it all back.  But he had no income.  My parents and sister have just cleaned out his room/apt. he was staying in.  They said he hardly had any food or possessions.  He had just gone to a car show with a friend before the incident.  He must have felt really desperate.

Thanks for listening again.  Till next time,

– Joyce.