Getting Anxious About My Brother’s Service

I visited my parents and sister on Saturday.  We exchanged some more pictures of my brother.  He’d gone to a car show with a friend the day he passed away.  He’d taken tons of pictures.  One was of him with some famous car guy.  It was the last picture of him ever taken.  We downloaded the pictures onto my mom and dad’s computer.  We didn’t want them to get deleted by accident.  We copied them onto a flash drive so I could save them on my computer too.  My sister is going to back up their pictures onto a flash drive or CD so they don’t lose them as well.  Between my sister and I, we figured out how to download the pictures off my brother’s phone.  It’s a smartphone.  I’ve never used one before.  I found the manual for it online and copied it onto a flash drive, then copied it onto their computer for them so my sister can refer to it if she needs to.

My brother’s graveside service is this Saturday.  Everyone is getting very anxious about it.  I have no idea how it’s going to affect me.  Will I stop being so numb and in shock?  Will I finally cry for my brother?

My counsellor is off this week.  I’ll see her next week.  I’ll probably have a lot to talk to her about then.

Thanks again for being here for me.  Till next time,

— Joyce

My Daughter’s 18 Today, and Why Haven’t I Cried for my Brother Yet?

Today is my daughter’s 18th birthday.  It seems like just yesterday she was born.  She showed up at the Peer Support Centre this morning.  I gave her cards from her dad and I, her grandparents on my side and her grandfather from out of town.  She was very happy with them.  She got a bit of money in each card except ours.  We’ll have to get her something belated.

Something has been really bothering me for a while now.  When my friend moved away at Christmas without telling me several years ago, I cried for weeks.  My husband said that I ruined Christmas.  But I haven’t shed a tear for my brother yet.  It seems like I cared more about her than my own brother, which I don’t.  Is it because I’ve learned how to manage my emotions better since then?  Or because I’m still numb and in shock?  Or both?

Just trying to sort out my feelings and all that’s going on in my head.  Till next time,

— Joyce

Project Problems Getting to Me

I slept last night!  I hadn’t slept for the past two nights previously.  I slept from about 3:30 until 9:00 this morning.

Tomorrow is my daughter’s 18th birthday.  We can’t afford to buy her anything right now.  We’ll have to get her something belated.  She probably just wants money anyways, which we have exactly $0.00 at the moment.

Next Saturday is my brother’s graveside ceremony.  I still can’t believe he’s gone.  It feels like he could walk through the door of my parents’ house any time.  Usually, when I visit, he’d show up just before I headed home.

Working on my project is my way of coping with my brother’s death.  When my sister didn’t want me to include her words in it, it started getting to me.  I started having trouble coping.  I don’t know exactly why.

I wish my family wasn’t so ashamed of how my brother died.  It’s really getting to me.  I wish I could use his death for something good – advocating for suicide awareness.  Otherwise, his death was just in vain, and nothing good will ever come of it.  It will never be spoken of again, like some shameful family secret.  I don’t want that for my brother.  But it’s not just up to me.  It’s also up to my parents and sister and they don’t want to talk about how he died to anyone except me.

There’s a great Facebook Page by a lady whose son committed suicide.  She’s using it to raise awareness.  Here’s the link:  https://www.facebook.com/jasonscotthearn  Please check it out and let her know who sent you.

Thanks again for listening.  Till next time,

— Joyce

P.S. The link doesn’t seem to be working for some reason.  The Page is called “In Loving Memory of my Son Jason Scott Hearn”

A Project In My Brother’s Memory

I just got off the phone with my sister.  She wrote something that I thought would go great in the project I’m making in my brother’s memory.  But she doesn’t want it included in it.  I thought that she’d be honoured that I wanted to use her words in it.  I feel so torn.  Her words are perfect for what I want.  I don’t see why she doesn’t want me to use them.  I asked her and she replied “Oh,I don’t know…”  That’s my family’s response to everything.  “I don’t know”  No real reason.  I wish she’d change her mind.  I’m not doing anything bad with them.  I just want to keep my brother’s memory alive.  She said that he was a very private person.  I know that.  I don’t see how making this project is doing anything to destroy that.

I’m just gonna have to do things a different way.  It would be so much easier if my sister would just let me use her words in my project.  Oh, well.  Rant over.  Thank you for listening.

— Joyce

What A Day!

I had an appointment with my counsellor and the dentist today.  I haven’t slept for the past two nights in a row.  I’m so exhausted!  I hope I sleep tonight!  My dentist appointment got erased from their computers for some reason so I didn’t have to go after all.  Yay!  Part of me was hoping to get some dental work over with though.  What a day!

My son always wants me to go for a bike ride at 9 pm.  All I want to do at that time of night is stay in and relax, go on the computer for a bit, then go to bed.  Especially when I haven’t slept.  He keeps telling me that I never do anything with him.  I feel so guilty but I’m still just so exhausted!  I hate it so much!  I’d give anything to be in better shape like I used to be.  I try to play with him.  I wish he’d play board games or something quiet like that with me.

I might go over to my parents’ house for a visit this weekend.  I have a photo of me and my brother to give to them and my sister.  I also have to give them the instruction manual for my brother’s phone that I downloaded.

I talked to my counsellor about the project I’m working on in my brother’s memory.  She thinks its a great idea.  I’m going ahead with it.  I hope my parents and sister want to be included in it.

Wish me luck sleeping tonight.  Thank you in advance,

— Joyce

Trying to Keep my Brother’s Memory Alive Through Insomnia

I haven’t been sleeping well lately.  Last night, I couldn’t sleep, and so far tonight, I can’t sleep either.  It’s 1:15 in the morning.  I can’t stop thinking about my brother.  I have dentist appointment tomorrow.  I’m not looking forward to that, especially with no sleep for two days probably.

I’ve been working on a project in my brother’s memory.  My sister and parents all think that I shouldn’t be doing it.  But it makes me feel like I’m doing something so that his passing away was not in vain.  Keeping his memory alive.  I’m still working on it at the moment.  But now I don’t feel so good about it, even though I think it’s a great gesture on my part.  I even tried to include them on it, but I don’t know if they’re for it or not.

Right now, I’m just doing what I usually do when I can’t sleep – playing games on the computer and listening to music on the headphones.  I find that if I do that, it helps even if I still can’t sleep.  At least I’m not too anxious about it.  Just very tired!

Thanks again for listening,

— Joyce

Missing Cellphone Mystery Solved!

I just read an interesting quote on Facebook.  It fits my brother to a T.  I’d post it here but I don’t know if it would be triggering to people or not.  I wish I could tell people the truth about how he passed away.  But I can’t because my parents and sister don’t want everyone to know.  We’ve only told a few close friends and family members.

My parents and sister have gone through my brother’s things.  They’re going to donate his clothes to charity.  I’m not sure what they’re doing with the rest of his stuff.  He didn’t have much.

My parents said something the other day about “the girls”, meaning my sister and I.  It’s never been “the girls” before.  It was just me; then me and my brother; then me, my brother and sister.  That kinda got to me.  It got me thinking very deeply about things.  It still feels very unreal.

My parents finally found my brother’s cellphone.  It had fallen down in between some cushions.  My sister has been trying to figure out how to use it.  It’s a smartphone.  I’ve never had one.  Mine is a cheap flip-phone.  I found the manual for it online and was telling my sister over the phone tonight how to use it.  I told her to play around with it and check it out.  I’ve saved a copy of the manual and will give it to them the next time I come over and visit.  There’s some pictures on it that we’d like to download before they get deleted by accident.

Thanks again for listening.  Till next time,

— Joyce

My Brother – Update

The other day, my counsellor said that it’s probably not my meds that are numbing me out, it’s probably just the situation right now.

I heard from a friend on Facebook that I haven’t heard from since high school.  She’s got a 25-year-old daughter and two grandkids now.  She heard about my brother’s death and sent her condolences.  It feels nice to hear from an old friend.  I’ve never had that many.  In school, I was bullied and made fun of – all through public school and high school.

My mom said it feels like this is happening to someone else.  It does.  Even with seeing his obituary, it doesn’t feel real.

I couldn’t sleep a wink last night again.  All I can do is think about my brother and wonder why he did what he did.  We’ll probably never know.

I went for a coffee at the local bakery this morning.  I told the lady there that my brother had passed away.  Her and my brother were friends.  I didn’t tell her how he died.  My parents and sister don’t want everyone to know.  If it was me, I’d tell people on Facebook.  It’s the only way to bust stigma.  But it’s not up to me.  There’s my parents and sister to consider.  Maybe if we could’ve talked about how he was feeling, he wouldn’t have done what he did.  We need to raise awareness and fight stigma so that people don’t feel like they have no other options but to take their own lives.

If you’ve read this far, thank you!  Till next time,

– – Joyce.

Reading my Brother’s Obit

I saw my counsellor yesterday.  She said not to feel guilty about feeling numb and in shock still over my brother’s death.  She said that everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace.  Basically what everyone else has been telling me.

My parents and sister came over last night.  My sister wanted to print up a copy of my brother’s eulogy to give to the minister to read.  They don’t have a printer at the moment so I let her print it up on ours.

My brother’s obituary is in the paper online.  There are a lot of condolences from friends and family.  Several of them from people who went to school with him.  I saved a copy on a disk and printed them up for my parents and sister.  They don’t have the internet.  Even seeing it on the computer screen, it still doesn’t feel real.  It’s like he could come walking in the door of our parent’s house any minute.

I went to the Peer Support Centre today.  I participated in a group, then had lunch and left.  I had to pick up my hubby’s meds.

Thanks again for joining me.  Talk again soon,

— Joyce.

Meds Numbing Me Out?

I just realized that maybe part of the reason why I’m still numb regarding my brother’s death is because my meds are numbing me out.

I got off the phone with my sister a while ago.  Her and my parents are doing fine today, considering.  My brother’s cellphone has gotten lost somehow.  My mom is pretty frustrated about it.  My brother had spent the day with a friend at a car show then our friend dropped him off just before my brother passed away.  Our friend feels guilty.  How could he have known?  None of us knew what was going to happen.

My sister hasn’t been eating or sleeping very well.  I can’t really sleep at night either.  I’m gonna talk to my counsellor about it tomorrow.  I wish my sister would talk to somebody.  Nobody in my family except me believes in talking to counsellors.  They all believe in just “toughing it out by yourself.”  Maybe if my brother had talked to someone he might still be here today.

Thanks for listening again.  I just had to share my insight with you guys.  Till next time,

– Joyce.