A Late March Update

My son just turned 15.  His grandmother came over and he opened some presents.  He got mostly what he wanted – some DVDs and some gift cards and candy.

My husband and I celebrated our 20th anniversary.  We had a very quiet day.  He got me a teddy bear and some chocolates.  For our 25th, we’ll have to try to get away somewhere for a few days.  We’ll have to start saving up for it starting now, as soon as I can actually save a few bucks.  Still working on paying off my credit cards.

This blog is now four years old.  I just got a notification from WordPress telling me the other day.  Wow!  Four years.  I can tell a difference in myself from when I first started blogging.  My relationship with my mother-in-law was not very good at the time.  She was living with us and she didn’t understand my Borderline Personality Disorder.  We had a few good talks and she understands me a lot better now.  We get along great.  She is just like a second mother to me.  She has since remarried and moved out but we keep in touch often by phone and sometimes with visits.

I am thinking of possibly starting my BPD Group up again in May.  I’ll have to think of some materials to prepare for it.  I have a few ideas already.  I’ll have to schedule it around my son’s tutoring, which is going well.  He’s come into the hallway when she goes to the front door to put her boots on and waves to her.  All she can see is his hands, then his foot.  Next time, he’ll have to show her both his hands and feet.  That’ll be something to see!

My sister came over on Monday for our monthly sisters day together.  We had fun playing cards and goofing off on the computer.  My grandson turned one year old on Monday.  I haven’t heard from my daughter for a week.  I hope her and my grandson are doing okay.  My grandson is getting adopted.  It’s probably the best thing.  My daughter and her boyfriend are not ready to be parents right now.  They’re couch surfing and have no money.  I wish things would get better for them.  But they have to reach out for help.  There is help out there if you are willing to take it.  I keep telling my daughter to talk to a counsellor because they can hook you up with different agencies to help you but she just won’t for some reason.  She’d rather just ask my husband and I for money, which we don’t have.

Sorry for complaining but I just needed to let that all out.  I thought I would update you on how my life is going right now.  I’ll have some more news coming soon.  Till then,

— Joyce.

April Update

I had my last out-of-town BPD Group yesterday.  Nobody showed up for it.  So I had a group with just the lady who runs the centre and my Peer Support worker.  I was very disappointed.  I had wanted to say goodbye to everyone in the group.

After Group, my worker took me to another one of their centres.  I’m gonna be doing a presentation on BPD there on the 28th of this month.  I hope it goes well!

I really need to get to the hospital and see my new grandson again ASAP!  My mother-in-law has been taking our daughter and her boyfriend every day.  They never ask me if I want to come.  Maybe she thinks I’m busy.  It would still be nice to be asked.  I’m gonna hint that I’d like to see the baby too and see what happens.  I hope she takes the hint.

I couldn’t sleep a wink last night.  I don’t know why.  I’ve had so much trouble sleeping for weeks now.  Either I can’t sleep until 3 am or else I wake up at 3 am and then I can’t go back to sleep.  The other day, I was awake from 3 am for 24 hours and then I got an hour or two of sleep, then was awake for the day again.  That sucked!

That’s it for now.  Till next time,

— Joyce.

A Very Eventful Easter!

My daughter and her boyfriend recently got kicked out of where they were staying.  They’ve been staying with his mom for a couple of weeks.  They’re getting an apartment out of town on April 1st.  Now for the big news:  I’m a grandma!  My daughter had her baby yesterday, on Easter Sunday.  It’s a little boy.  He only weighed 3 lbs. and 8 oz.  He’s a couple months premature so he’ll have to stay in the hospital for another 8 weeks.  But mother and baby are both doing fine.  I can’t believe I’m a grandma!  I wasn’t expecting this so soon!  But I’m so excited.  The baby’s middle name is my late brother’s name.  My daughter wanted to honour him.  How sweet!

Just had to let you know my great news.  Thanks for reading.  Till next time,

— Joyce.

Weather Woes and More

I am feeling very stressed out, overwhelmed and mentally exhausted right now.  There’s so much going on.  I’m worried about our credit cards, our son’s birthday is coming up, and I’m worried about our daughter.

The weekend before last was terrible, weather-wise.  It was so extremely cold and our daughter and her boyfriend’s heater quit working.  We told them they could stay with us for a bit.  It ended up being about five days.  Which was ok by me, as long as they contributed a little bit somehow.  But they were really getting on my husband’s nerves.  Especially with their arguing.  Mostly her boyfriend yelling at her and calling her names.  Finally, my husband had had enough and told them that he wouldn’t have that in his house, that he had enough of that growing up with his dad yelling at his mom.  He told her boyfriend to get out.  So they both grabbed their things and left.  Did I forget to mention that they’d brought their kitten too?  My mother-in-law and her new hubby lent them an electric blanket so they would be a little bit warmer.  I really hope they find a place soon.  Her baby is due in April (or May).

Just needed to get that out.  Thank you for reading.  Till next time,

— Joyce.

We’re Having A Grandson!

Our daughter had an ultrasound yesterday and found out that she’s having a boy.  So we’re gonna have a grandson.  And our son is gonna be an uncle.  He’s always wanted a little brother.  I told him that having a nephew will be almost like having a little brother – It will be someone to look up to him and play with.  I think he’s kind of excited.  I hope this helps him get along with his sister better.  Whenever she comes over he goes to his room and ignores her.

Just wanted to tell you all my news.  Till next time,

— Joyce.

An Eventful Birthday Weekend!

Saturday was my birthday.  I turned 47.  My daughter came over to visit for a bit and have supper with me.  On Sunday, I went to my parents’ for the day.  We had some birthday cake and my sister got me some chocolates.  We played cards for a bit.  There was a bit of excitement after supper.  I got a call from my mother-in-law that our daughter and future son-in-law were at the hospital.  He was having pains in his side.  We rushed over and he was waiting for us outside.  Then our daughter came out.  They asked if they could get a ride home.  We gave them a ride home, then my parents took me home.

The next day, I went to the Peer Support Centre.  My daughter showed up, looking very tired.  She said that the night before her boyfriend had gone back to the hospital in the night to see about his pains, which had come back.  They told him they think it’s his gall bladder.  He’s getting an ultrasound this morning to find out for sure.

A few years ago on my birthday, my dad was in the hospital having surgery to remove cancer.  I’m so glad that it worked and that he’s still with us today!

A while ago, our daughter’s boyfriend got in a fight.  He was defending himself and our daughter.  He was charged with assault and possession of marijuana.  I hope they’re not using money that we’re giving them for food to buy pot!  We’re in the hole so bad right now!  I have opened an account at a different bank.  Now I just need to get our ODSP deposited into it.  I have to make some phone calls this morning and I’m so nervous!  I hate making phone calls, except to close family.  Wish me luck!

We still need to find a cheaper place to live.  And our daughter and her boyfriend need to find an apartment.  Wish us luck with that too, if you can.

Thanks for reading.  Till next time,

— Joyce.

How My Very Busy Day Went

Well, I had a very busy day yesterday!  I had my out-of-town BPD Group, my credit counselling appointment and Dinner Night at the local Peer Support centre all in the same day.  My Group went pretty well.  My counsellor was supposed to accompany me to my credit counselling appointment but she was off sick.  I didn’t find that out until later in the evening though since she left me a voicemail on my phone but I didn’t have any time left on it.  The counselling appointment went pretty well.  She told me I should get an account at a different back so that they can’t take money out of our checking account to cover our credit card.  She also told me to look for a cheaper place to live, which we’re already doing.  Nothing available!  And to declare bankruptcy.  I was supposed to get a ride to the Peer Support Centre with my counsellor but she never showed up, obviously.  Luckily, my mother-in-law and my daughter showed up just as my appointment was ending.  We went to pick up a few things for my daughter,  then I picked up a card for my phone.  Then they dropped me off at the Centre.  For dinner, they had Chicken Stew with homemade biscuits.  Yum!  And, of course, punch, as usual.  They also had some pies for dessert.  They had their Site Meeting before dinner.  After dinner, I put the time on my phone and checked my voicemail.  It was the receptionist from the Community Mental Health telling me that my counsellor was off sick and couldn’t meet me that day.  By that time they were closed so I couldn’t call her back and let her know that I had gotten her message and wanted to schedule another appointment with her.

This morning, the phone rang but I didn’t get to it in time.  It was my counsellor.  She left me a voicemail saying that she’d call me at the Centre.  I got to the Centre and she called me at about 10:45, asking me if I wanted to meet her then and go over things.  I said “Sure” and went to go meet her.  We had a pretty good visit.  Then I went back to the Centre for lunch.

I’m so worried about our finances and my daughter.  Her baby is due in April and they still haven’t found a place yet.  They can’t stay where they are now with a new baby.  They need to find an apartment.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I hadn’t slept the night before my very busy day yesterday.  I actually slept last night.  But my alarm didn’t go off this morning and I slept in a bit.  Luckily my husband got our son off to school on time.  I had listened to some relaxation podcasts on my new MP3 player that my sister got me for Christmas.  It helped me not be quite so anxious about not sleeping.  At least then I was awake but not awake and also extremely anxious about being awake.

So there you have it.  My busy day in a nutshell.  I’ve been trying to decide which bank to go with and what type of account we need.  I’ll keep you all updated on how things go with my daughter and our finances.  Thanks for listening.  Till next time,

— Joyce.

Daugther Does Drop-In and Hubby’s Holiday Surprise

Today my daughter met me at the Peer Support Centre.  We coloured some Christmas pictures to decorate the Centre.  Then she had lunch with me there.  We had Taco Bake.  It was delicious!

After lunch, she asked me if I would go with her to a Drop-In for pregnant moms.  I’ve been trying to get her to go for weeks now.  I said Yes.  I’m so glad we went!  We met some nice people there.  You are eligible for this program while you are pregnant and until the baby is 6 months old.  You get free transportation, free groceries, handouts, free childcare, free prenatal vitamins.  They make a healthy recipe while you’re there, that you get to take home with you.  They made Sloppy Joes today.  She got to take the leftovers home.  She got a cookbook, a pregnancy workout DVD and more handouts.  Cool!  Next week is their last week before the holidays.  Maybe her boyfriend will go with her next time.  I told her that anytime she wants me to go with her, just ask.  She knows where I usually am in the afternoons – at the Peer Support Centre.

In other news, when I got home today, my husband had put up our Christmas tree and it’s already got the lights on it!  He said that our son and I could decorate it.  We put a few decorations on it tonight.  We’ll finish it tomorrow.

I don’t think we’re gonna get any snow for Christmas this year.  oh well.  It’s so nice and mild for December!  Till next time,

— Joyce.

I’m Gonna Be A Grandma!

I just found out recently that my daughter is pregnant.  She’s living with her boyfriend in a trailer on a friend’s property.  They’re looking after their rabbits for them.  They’re both on assistance.  Which is nothing to be ashamed of.  My husband and I are on assistance as well.  We’re both on Disability.  My daughter and her boyfriend are on Welfare.  I hope her boyfriend gets a job soon though.  It would be great if they could find an apartment before winter gets here.

There are some programs in town to help out new moms and moms-to-be.  I hope she takes advantage of them as soon as possible.  There’s one taking place tomorrow afternoon.  You get transportation provided.  They pay for a taxi for you to get there.  They want you to have a healthy baby.  I think it could be put on by the local Health Unit.  Each week, they make a healthy recipe, then you get to take it home and make it.  They even give you free groceries.  And there’s childcare.  You can’t ask for more than that!  Well, you could I guess.

My daughter is so short and petite.  I don’t know how she’s gonna carry and deliver this baby!  She looks about twelve years old but she’s just turned eighteen in August.  She smokes but says she’s cutting down.  I really hope so!

I guess her boyfriend is looking after her.  We’ve been told that he “treats her like a princess” always making sure she eats.  She eats like a bird, and wastes so much food.  She can’t do that much longer.  Babies are expensive!  We’ll have to make sure she has everything she needs for the baby.  She’d better stock up on diapers, bottles, etc.  Make sure she has somewhere for the baby to sleep.  A diaper bag, clothes, a stroller, etc.  She’ll want to take the baby for lots of walks, especially if it’s colicky like she was.  Then they’ll be wanting Grandma and Granddad to look after it.  Of course, we’d love to babysit.

At least with this baby, I’ll have done DBT and will be much better this time around at managing my emotions.  I didn’t do the best job with my kids when they were little, but I’ve tried my best to make up for it knowing what I know now.  That’s why it’s my passion in life to share DBT with others, and spread awareness of BPD and get rid of stigma.

Stay tuned for more.  I’ll be letting you know how things progress with my daughter and the baby.  Along with whatever else is going on in my life.  Like dealing with grief from my brother’s death.  But that’s another story!

Thanks for tagging along with me in this crazy ride we call life.  Till next time,

— Joyce.

My Mother-In-Law’s Remarried and My Son Started Grade 8 Today!

My mother-in-law just got remarried on Saturday.  It was a really nice ceremony.  My husband and kids didn’t go.  I was the only one in our family who went.  My husband didn’t go because of his social anxiety/agoraphobia.  He really wanted to go.  My son just didn’t want to go.  Our daughter didn’t go because she wasn’t invited.  My mother-in-law didn’t want her to go.  She gets so stressed out by her.  Always bugging her for money and favours.  She’s away on her honeymoon right now, but will be back in a couple of days.

Speaking of my daughter, she’s been dropping by our house and the Peer Support Centre asking me for money.  When I tell her we don’t have any, she stomps out of the house, uttering a few choice words, then slams the door.  Tonight she came by but she was actually nice.  She didn’t ask for money.  Probably because she knew we didn’t have any right now.  She called and asked if her and her boyfriend could grab a few snacks for tonight because they’d probably be walking the streets all night, like they have for the last few nights.  I told her they could.  She came a short while later and grabbed their snacks then left, fairly politely.  She wanted to borrow a few smokes from my husband but he said “No.”  She called him an a$$hole about a month ago and he still hasn’t forgotten it or forgave her.  He doesn’t even want to see her or talk to her.

I think part of my perfectionism problem regarding the housework is my black-and-white thinking.  I want to either do it perfectly or not at all.  It’s like “What’s the point if I don’t do it correctly?”  For example, I’d really like to organize my freezer.  I’d like to have it all organized by type of food and label the shelves.

My son started Grade 8 today.  He didn’t have the best first day.  The principal said something that upset him.  I hope he has a better day tomorrow.  We didn’t get a chance to go for our usual bike ride tonight.  Maybe tomorrow.  Thanks for tuning in!  Tune in again next time,

— Joyce.

A Bad Dream and an Early Visit

The other night I dreamed about my brother.  I don’t remember the actual dream.  All I know is that the dream was about my brother and that I woke up feeling very stressed out and upset.  I’m sure it’s because he’s been on my mind so much for the last month or so.  He was very charming but could be verbally abusive at times, and physically when we were younger.  But he was a really nice guy at times.

Our daughter came over early this morning.  Her and her boyfriend had been walking around town all night and wanted to crash at our place for a couple of hours.  My husband said, “No way!”  They’ve stolen from us and treated us like dirt a lot of the time.  So they went over to the neighbour’s, where my mother-in-law has been staying, and she let them in.  They’ve gotten her cheque and are now staying at a motel, for how long I don’t know.

I’m probably heading out for a bike ride with my son shortly.  Till next time,

— Joyce

Appointments, Daughter Troubles, and Money Woes

My appointments yesterday went fine.  I had two teeth pulled – the top right ones in the front.  I met with my counsellor for a quick catch-up.  She made me feel a little less guilty about not crying over my brother’s death.  She said that she thought that my tribute to my brother was very good.

My daughter came by tonight.  Her and her boyfriend were kicked out of his mother’s place.  Over some argument.  I’m not sure what it was about.  She wanted money for a coffee.  I told her that we didn’t have any.  So she called Grandma and went over to bug her for some money probably.  She needs to leave Grandma alone.  She doesn’t need all this stress.  I don’t know where they’re staying tonight.  She said before that they were going to go camping.  I guess they’ve changed their minds.

The credit card company is hassling me again.  Actually it’s a credit recovery company.  I’m so tired of it.  I don’t need this.  I’m trying to pay what I can when I can.  I’ve mostly only used it for groceries, nothing frivolous.  I won’t bore you with the same old story.

I didn’t sleep a wink last night.  I didn’t take my meds yesterday.  I took them first thing this morning.  I had to pick them up yesterday.  I was totally out of them.  I’m so tired!  I hope I sleep tonight!  I’m gonna try going to bed soon.

I talked to my sister on the phone for a little bit tonight.  They’re doing all right over there.

Thanks again for listening.  Till next time,

— Joyce.

One Month Anniversary of My Brother’s Death Today

It’s been one month today since my brother passed away.  I still haven’t cried for him.  I feel a little guilty for not crying.  I feel kind of like a bad sister.  I’m hoping that, through my tribute, I can be a better sister and make up for not being there for him when he needed me.

I’ve been talking to my parents and sister on the phone almost every day.  They’re not doing too badly considering.  I talked to my sister tonight.  She seemed in good spirits.

I see my counsellor and the dentist tomorrow.  I’m kind of nervous about seeing the dentist.  I have to have some teeth pulled.  They’re all rotten and broken off.  I wish I’d taken better care of them when I was growing up.  I never really brushed them.  I tried to as an adult but I think it’s too late.  I think that some people just have bad teeth.

My daughter came by tonight.  She grabbed a bite to eat then wanted me to go to the store with her.  She said she needed some personal items.  I bought them for her, plus a few treats.  I think the personal items were just an excuse for me to buy the treats for her.  I should have known better.  Hopefully, I’ll know better next time.  She’s so smooth!

Thanks to anyone who actually read this.  I hope you aren’t all snoring right now.  Lol!  I’ll let you know how my appointments go tomorrow.  Till next time,

— Joyce.

My Daughter’s 18 Today, and Why Haven’t I Cried for my Brother Yet?

Today is my daughter’s 18th birthday.  It seems like just yesterday she was born.  She showed up at the Peer Support Centre this morning.  I gave her cards from her dad and I, her grandparents on my side and her grandfather from out of town.  She was very happy with them.  She got a bit of money in each card except ours.  We’ll have to get her something belated.

Something has been really bothering me for a while now.  When my friend moved away at Christmas without telling me several years ago, I cried for weeks.  My husband said that I ruined Christmas.  But I haven’t shed a tear for my brother yet.  It seems like I cared more about her than my own brother, which I don’t.  Is it because I’ve learned how to manage my emotions better since then?  Or because I’m still numb and in shock?  Or both?

Just trying to sort out my feelings and all that’s going on in my head.  Till next time,

— Joyce

A Visit With My Parents and More Daughter Drama

I visited my parents and sister today.  They’re doing pretty well, considering.  My sister is trying to write a eulogy.  I tried helping her but I don’t know what to say.  We’re trying to focus on all of the good things about our brother.  He had some problems, but he still didn’t deserve what happened to him.  People keep asking my mom and dad if they can come or invite someone to his graveside ceremony.  My parent keep saying yes.  They just wanted it to be a very small ceremony, just a few close family and friends, but it’s turning into something much bigger than that.  My mom says that she doesn’t know what to say to people at things like this.  I don’t either.

My sister and I exchanged some photos of our brother.  I have a few new ones now.  I’ve just downloaded them onto my computer, and I scanned a few in yesterday.

Their landlord just got a new baby donkey.  It’s so cute!  My sister and I got some pictures of it.  My sister got a bit of video of it jumping up and down like a bucking bronco, and running circles around its mother.  I love animals!

Our daughter came over today.  She harassed her dad for money.  She didn’t get her Welfare cheque yesterday.  She insisted that we owe her money and that we can afford it.  Nope and nope!  We don’t owe her anything.  And we definitely can’t afford it anyways.  By the time we get a few groceries and pay a few bills, we’ll be so broke, it’s not funny!  She should get her cheque on Tuesday.  If not, no big deal at the moment.  Her and her boyfriend are staying with his mom and stepdad right now.  I’m sure they’re not gonna demand payment ASAP.

Thanks again for listening.  Till next time,

– Joyce.

P.S.  I haven’t been sleeping well.  I’ve been taking a couple of my husband’s Lorazepam for the last couple nights.  It’s been helping a bit.  I hope I sleep tonight.  Wish me luck!

“We’re Not Gonna Take It Anymore!”

We’ve had a bit more daughter drama here lately.  Her and her boyfriend called and asked us for money again the other day.  We told them we didn’t have any.  Her boyfriend got on the phone and said some extremely rude and nasty things to me.  He said even worse things in the background when she was talking to me.  Then the next day she came to the door wanting to have a shower here.  We told her that we didn’t appreciate being spoken to like they had on the phone.  She kind of sulked and went over to the neighbour’s where her grandma was.  They didn’t let her in there or give her any money either.  Her grandma cried after she left because her nerves were so bad.  None of us deserve this.

We didn’t hear anything from her for a couple of days.  No apology, nothing.  Finally, she came by and apologized.  We told her that if she treated us with respect, we’d treat her with respect.  My husband still hates her boyfriend and doesn’t want him to come around.  I don’t blame him after some of the things he called me.  I don’t care if he comes around either.

They’re still asking for money.  I gave her a little bit of change yesterday morning.  I can’t give her any more because I need to go grocery shopping.  I can’t get a lot because we’re really broke but we need almost everything, so I’ll get a little of this and a little of that.

Thanks for listening once again.  Till next time,

– Joyce.

A Very Busy Day!

I had a very busy day today.  First, I went to the Mission for Craft Group.  Then I went to the drugstore and refilled my meds.  Then I grabbed a coffee and a couple of cookies at the local bakery and read for a few minutes.  Then I popped over to the Peer Support Centre for an hour.  Then I saw my counsellor for half an hour.  Then I saw the dentist for a checkup and cleaning.  Then I went back to the Peer Support Centre for their monthly dinner.  Then I visited with everyone for a few minutes and read some more before I went home and played badminton with my son for a few minutes.

All in all, a very busy day!  But a good day.  I have several cavities though.  😦  I have to go back in May (on my sister’s birthday!) to get some fillings done on my remaining bottom teeth.  They said that I could either get a couple of root canals on the top ones, or else just get dentures.  I just want them gone!  They told me that I could think about it and let them know next time I see them but I don’t need to think about it.

Someone told me that they saw my daughter’s boyfriend and another young man pawning some stuff at the local pawn shop:  rings, coins, etc.  I’m gonna check there and see if my camera is there.  If it was, it’s probably long gone by now but there’s no harm in looking.

Yesterday, my daughter asked for more money.  I said “No”  I was strong!  I did it!  She was at the Peer Support Centre with her boyfriend.  She called her grandma and said that they had had a fight and broken up and that she needed to go for a drive and have a smoke.  They told me that she was supposed to go to town to try for her driver’s license.  Things just don’t add up.  She’s a liar and a thief!  I don’t know why.  We didn’t bring her up that way.  She needs help but she won’t go for it.  It’s so frustrating!  Especially when you try so hard to help her out, especially financially, and we’re going so broke because of it, and she steals from us.

Thanks for listening to another rant.  It is very appreciated.  Till the next one,

– Joyce.

My Sister’s Operation and More

I saw my counsellor yesterday.  I told her all about my daughter stealing my camera.  She told me that I should lock up all my valuables and watch her closely.  It’s too bad that I have to do that with my own daughter.  I feel so bad about it.  I shouldn’t have to do that.  We had a good appointment.

I’m hoping to visit my parents and sister this weekend.  My sister just had her gall bladder out.  She’s recovering at home.  I talked to her on the phone a while ago.  She was doing all right, but still in quite a bit of pain.  I’d like to get a recipe from my mom to make at the Peer Support Centre someday.  A fellow peer said that he could help me make it.

Not too much else to report today.  It was drizzly yesterday.  At least it’ll get rid of some of the snow.  Yay!  It’s supposed to be mixed precipitation today.  I’ll just be so glad when all of the snow is gone and the grass is green, and the flowers come up, and there’s little buds on the trees.

Thanks for joining me here today.  I’ll let you know how my sister is doing later.  Ta ta for now,

– Joyce.

The Case of the Missing Camera

My camera is missing.  I think my daughter stole it then sold it.  I asked her tonight if she knew where it was and she said she didn’t know.  She was the last one to use it.  She had it on the keyboard drawer of my desk for the last while.  Then tonight, I noticed it wasn’t there.  I think she was taking selfies with it.  She asked for money.  I told her that we didn’t have much that we had bills to pay and groceries to buy.  She made herself a couple of sandwiches and ate half of them, then left.  We went to the bank machine at the store around the corner and I got out a few bucks and gave some to her.  She tried to get me to give her more money.  I knew she was gonna do that, she always does.  I gave her some change and told her that would have to do for now.  That she could always go to the food bank.  She said that she didn’t need the money for food.  I told her that she could go anyways and with the money she saved on food, she could get herself other things that she needs.

My husband doesn’t want anything to do with her.  He doesn’t even want me to let her in when she knocks on the door, but I can’t help it.  She’s my daughter.  They used to be so close when she was little, she was Daddy’s Girl.  I wish I knew where my camera was.  I have an old digital one that I used to use, I could always use that.  But it’s the principle of the thing.  I was MY camera, with my pictures on it.  Now it’s probably gone forever.  At least I had all of my photos downloaded.  I wish she hadn’t lied about not knowing where it was.  It’s bad enough that she stole it, then sold it, now she lies about it.

Rant over.  Thanks for listening,

– Joyce.

Midnight Pie and My Son’s Birthday Today!

While I was asleep last night, our daughter came home, ate the last piece of pie, left the light on in my office then left.  I guess it was around 12:30.  I don’t know how long she stayed.  She probably tried to use the computer, but I put a lock on it so that she couldn’t use it after midnight.  I’ll bet that pissed her off!  But we have rules around here.  She’d be on the computer all night and sleep here all day if we let her.  She needs to do some schoolwork.  I don’t know the last time she did any.

Today’s my son’s birthday.  He’s 13 years old today.  Wow!  Now we have two teenagers.  I’m coming home early today to make sure I’m here when he gets home from school.  I hope he enjoys his birthday.  I wonder if our daughter will show up?  If she does, he’ll probably spend the day in his room with the door shut, playing on his iPod like he usually does.  Please let him have a good birthday today!

– Joyce.

Our Son’s Birthday and Our Daughter’s Apartment Problem

Our daughter has stayed with us for about a week and a half.  She didn’t come back last night.  I met her at the Peer Support Centre today.  She’s supposed to be staying in another apartment with a couple of friends…male friends…of her “boyfriend”s…who are 21 and the other one’s in his thirties or about 40…one of whom came onto her.  I don’t know if she stayed there last night or not.  She didn’t talk about it.  She’s already given them some money so that she can stay at their place and sleep on their sofa for the month.  She said it feels too awkward staying there.  Maybe she should just get her money back and stay here until she can find another place to stay.  I think she’s put her name in for social housing.  There’s usually a waiting list for about 5 years until you get a place through them, but she might get her name put on priority.

I don’t know if she’s gonna show up at our door tonight or not.  She says she never knows what she’s doing.  We’d kind of like to know.  It gets on our nerves so bad wondering all the time where she is and what she’s up to and with whom.  Kids!  They drive you crazy.

It’s our son’s birthday in a couple of days.  He’ll be thirteen.  Wow, we’ll have two teenagers then.  Yay!  At least he seems more level-headed than our daughter.  Except that he seems to have a bit of OCD.  We’ll have to try and get him help for that.  Whenever his sister is around, he stays in his room with the door shut until she leaves, as much as possible.  I don’t totally blame him.  She’s lost control before and charged at him, scaring him, when she was having an emotional outburst.  I wish everybody could just get along.  I wish things would work out for our daughter.  I wish I had the energy to deal with all of this better.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings once again.  Till next time,

– Joyce.

What’s He Thinking?

We finally got our money from the government that we have been trying to get for months now.  Thank God!  It’s come in really handy.  We’re still broke but at least not quite as broke as we were.

Our daughter stayed here for the last week straight.  Her boyfriend told her that she could stay here and he could stay at the apartment that they were supposed to be sharing with another couple.  The other night she never came home or called.  Then she came knocking at the door at 5:30 in the morning the next day!  Then last night, she went back to the apartment with her boyfriend.  She said that they had broken up.  That he told her that if she didn’t go to school, he would break up with her.  Then he got jealous because he thought that she was cheating on him with someone at school (which she wasn’t).  I don’t know what to think.  But I hate seeing her upset because of him.  My husband doesn’t even want him in our house anymore.  He thinks that he just wants our daughter to pay her share of the rent, then he can kick her out to come live with us again.  Who knows what he’s thinking?  I don’t like the thought of him coming in either if he’s just going to get our daughter all upset – breaking up with her, then getting back together, then breaking up again.  I asked her before if they were together and she said that basically he was acting like they still were and that she was just going along with it.  I told her that I’d demand to know where we stood.  I think she’d rather not ask and give him a chance to say that they’re not still together.  What a situation!

– Joyce.

New Boots Needed and Credit Card Hassles

My daughter came over today.  She said she needed money for new boots.  The boots she has hurt her feet.  They’re all scraped up around her ankles and heels.  We told her we didn’t have any money.  She started raising her voice at us.  We told her to check out the thrift shops downtown.  She said she wasn’t buying boots from a thrift shop.  I told her to wear longer socks, instead of ankle socks.  She said that that wouldn’t help.  Then she started with the “You don’t even care about me!”  She went out for a smoke then came back inside.  When she came back in she was calmer and we chatted for a bit before her grandma drove her home.  I hope she didn’t give her any money.  She doesn’t have any to spare either.  Our daughter has to learn that sometimes you can’t get what you want when you want it in life.  Sometimes you have to say “I guess I’ll save up for some new boots for next month.”  Sure, it’s not what she wants, but for many of us, it’s real life.  At least I didn’t fall for her guilt trip today.  Sometimes it’s so hard being a mom!  She likes to catch me at the Peer Support Centre.  Then my husband isn’t there to help me be strong with saying no to her.  I have friends there that help me.  They were just saying the other day how her and I seem to be getting along so much better.  Probably not for long if I don’t give in to her and give her some money next week.  It never fails.  Almost every day, she’s there, ambushing me.  I want so much to be close to her.  But I don’t want to have to buy her love.

The credit card company keeps hassling me.  I’ll pay what I can pay when I can pay it.  We never used to have a problem with it before.  I’d always make at least the minimum payment on it.  It’s just in the last year that it’s been so bad with them.  They said it’s now in Collections.  We’re on ODSP (disability).  We have no money.  We can barely afford to pay our bills.  We had to borrow money from a family friend to pay our rent this month.  We’re supposed to be getting some extra money but they aren’t giving it to us.  I’ve tried contacting Canada Revenue about it and have gotten nowhere so far.  That money would really come in handy right now.

Oh well, what can you do?  A lot of people are in the same boat as us.  Money is so tight nowadays.  Thanks again for listening to my babbling.

– Joyce.

My Daughter’s Heartbreak

My daughter just went home after visiting for a bit.  Her boyfriend just broke up with her and she was, understandably, upset.  Her and her boyfriend both have their apartment that they’re staying at, with their friends, until the end of the month.  Then, if they don’t get back together, she’s gonna have to look for her own place.  She said that she doesn’t think they’ll get back together because, once he’s made his mind up, he doesn’t change it.  I just wanted to give her a hug and make it all better for her but she didn’t want to be touched.  She gets like that when she’s upset.  But she let her dad give her a hug before she left.  It’s been like that since Day One.  She did let me give her a hug when she first got here, but I just wanted to give her another hug and make all her pain go away.

She asked for a few bucks to get herself a treat.  I gave her just a few bucks and a bit of change.  I told her we couldn’t give her any more.  We couldn’t even really spare that.  We’ll barely have enough money for our rent this month when we get our Baby Bonus.  We’re supposed to be getting some more money from the government but we haven’t gotten it yet.

I hope things work out okay for her.  I’m sending her all the positive vibes I can.  I hope it helps.  😦

– Joyce.

A Quick Visit with my Daughter

Our daughter came over for a quick visit last night.  She said that her and her boyfriend had had a little fight.  She grabbed some soup and had a talk with me for a few minutes before Grandma gave her a ride home.  She did ask for a few bucks.  I told her that we didn’t have any.  Which we didn’t.  I had just gone grocery shopping earlier in the day and spent some money on food, which we didn’t really have to spend but we have to eat.  We don’t quite had enough to cover our rent cheque but we’re counting on getting some money soon that we’re entitled to from the government.  We should have gotten it by now.

Our daughter finally got her own cheque from Welfare.  She’s supposed to go to school full-time now, or get a note from her doctor saying why she can’t attend.  She says it’s because of anxiety.  She only has half a year of school left.  Half a year and she’ll be eighteen.  I can hardly believe it.  I hope we did a good enough job of raising her.  We did the best we could.

I’m sure I could have been a better parent if I had been diagnosed with BPD sooner.  Then I could’ve gotten the right treatment sooner.  All I can do now is do the best I can from now on.  It’s my mission to help others so that they can get the help they need sooner, and lessen stigma.  I hope I am doing a good job of that.  Then at least I’ve done something right.

– Joyce.