I am having a hard time right now. This is very hard for me to write. My husband says that we don’t do things together anymore. I have no emotional energy to do anything. It’s not just physical, it’s emotional. I don’t know if it’s a woman thing or just a Joyce thing. I need to talk to my doctor about it. I wish I still had my counsellor to talk to about it but I don’t have her anymore. I have the staff at the local Peer Support Centre to talk to. I might have to do that. I have been thinking of writing this post for a long time now. I am so out of shape. That doesn’t help anything. My doctor is no help when it comes to that. I eat right, I walk every day. Walking is supposed to be the best exercise, from what I keep hearing. I feel like crying every day but I can’t. I’m convinced that my meds are numbing me out. I’ve asked my doctor about cutting down on them but she says that it’s taken a long time to get the dosage just right where I am at a fairly “normal” baseline of emotions. I think I need to ask her about cutting down on them again. Sorry for rambling on but I can’t take this emotional exhaustion anymore! I feel so bad, so guilty for not being there for my husband like he needs me too. I have to think about me too, though. I don’t want to just please him no matter how exhausted I am. I have shopping to do and it’s the middle of the night. I wish I could just get some sleep! I only get 2-3 hours of sleep a night during the week and then on the weekends, I crash and sleep the whole weekend away pretty much. I hate it!
I just felt like I needed to share my story. Recovery is not a perfectly straight line. Speaking of that, this month my local Peer Support Centre is having a special Celebrate Recovery Day. People are going to tell their recovery stories. Last year, I told mine. I’m thinking of doing it again this year. Telling all about the ups and downs of recovery, that it is possible but it’s not a perfectly straight line. Thank you to anyone who has read this far! I know that some people will think that I am not trying as hard as I should. I have been trying so hard for so long. I know that someday this will pass.
Our kids used to go to my parents’ for the night about once a month, and my husband and I would have a night off to ourselves. That hasn’t happened for the last few years. I don’t see it happening any time soon. Our son is 15 so he can occupy himself just fine. But I feel guilty spending too much “couple time” with my husband, if you know what I mean.
My husband doesn’t sleep well either. He is usually up all night, then sleeps in in the mornings. When he goes to bed, I’m just getting up. I like to get stuff done during the day. Later, he’s just getting up so he has energy but I’ve been up all day and am physically and emotionally exhausted. I have absolutely no energy. And I have to make supper and put away laundry and dishes.
I debated with myself for so long about whether to write this or not but I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. I don’t know if sharing this will help anyone else feel less alone or not. I hope so.
I keep reminding myself and others – recovery is not linear, but it is possible. I am in recovery right now. I know I am just having a bit of a rough time at the moment and I will make it through. My husband and I have been through a lot together in the last twenty years and we’ll make it through this too. For the last few years, things have been a little cold between us. We were like two ships passing in the night. Then last fall I started feeling better. My husband is worried about things getting cold between us again. It’ll get better. I know it will. I just don’t want to please him while I am just not into “couple time” I want to have the physical and emotional energy to enjoy myself too.
Enough rambling! Thanks for listening to anyone who’s made it this far. I want to be honest in this blog. I’m curious to know if this post resonated with anyone. What do you do to cope? How do you balance your needs vs. your significant other’s needs? Till next time,
PS: My nerves are so bad right now! Thinking about this, and is my new book going to sell a single copy? Is it good enough? I’m working on another, bigger writing project right now. It won’t be finished for quite some time. I have a lot of rewriting and editing to do on it. In DBT, they teach you things like getting enough sleep helps you regulate your emotions better. I have been trying to do that. I need to review my DBT binders. Like I said, I’ll make it through. Thanks again for listening!