Tag Archives: my husband

Emotional Energy

I am having a hard time right now.  This is very hard for me to write.  My husband says that we don’t do things together anymore.  I have no emotional energy to do anything.  It’s not just physical, it’s emotional.  I don’t know if it’s a woman thing or just a Joyce thing.  I need to talk to my doctor about it.  I wish I still had my counsellor to talk to about it but I don’t have her anymore.  I have the staff at the local Peer Support Centre to talk to.  I might have to do that.  I have been thinking of writing this post for a long time now.  I am so out of shape.  That doesn’t help anything.  My doctor is no help when it comes to that.  I eat right, I walk every day.  Walking is supposed to be the best exercise, from what I keep hearing.  I feel like crying every day but I can’t.  I’m convinced that my meds are numbing me out.  I’ve asked my doctor about cutting down on them but she says that it’s taken a long time to get the dosage just right where I am at a fairly “normal” baseline of emotions.  I think I need to ask her about cutting down on them again.  Sorry for rambling on but I can’t take this emotional exhaustion anymore!  I feel so bad, so guilty for not being there for my husband like he needs me too.  I have to think about me too, though.  I don’t want to just please him no matter how exhausted I am.  I have shopping to do and it’s the middle of the night.  I wish I could just get some sleep!  I only get 2-3 hours of sleep a night during the week and then on the weekends, I crash and sleep the whole weekend away pretty much.  I hate it!

I just felt like I needed to share my story.  Recovery is not a perfectly straight line.  Speaking of that, this month my local Peer Support Centre is having a special Celebrate Recovery Day.  People are going to tell their recovery stories.  Last year, I told mine.  I’m thinking of doing it again this year.  Telling all about the ups and downs of recovery, that it is possible but it’s not a perfectly straight line.  Thank you to anyone who has read this far!  I know that some people will think that I am not trying as hard as I should.  I have been trying so hard for so long.  I know that someday this will pass.

Our kids used to go to my parents’ for the night about once a month, and my husband and I would have a night off to ourselves.  That hasn’t happened for the last few years.  I don’t see it happening any time soon.  Our son is 15 so he can occupy himself just fine.  But I feel guilty spending too much “couple time” with my husband, if you know what I mean.

My husband doesn’t sleep well either.  He is usually up all night, then sleeps in in the mornings.  When he goes to bed, I’m just getting up.  I like to get stuff done during the day.  Later, he’s just getting up so he has energy but I’ve been up all day and am physically and emotionally exhausted.  I have absolutely no energy.  And I have to make supper and put away laundry and dishes.

I debated with myself for so long about whether to write this or not but I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.  I don’t know if sharing this will help anyone else feel less alone or not.  I hope so.

I keep reminding myself and others – recovery is not linear, but it is possible.  I am in recovery right now.  I know I am just having a bit of a rough time at the moment and I will make it through.  My husband and I have been through a lot together in the last twenty years and we’ll make it through this too.  For the last few years, things have been a little cold between us.  We were like two ships passing in the night.  Then last fall I started feeling better.  My husband is worried about things getting cold between us again.  It’ll get better.  I know it will.  I just don’t want to please him while I am just not into “couple time”  I want to have the physical and emotional energy to enjoy myself too.

Enough rambling!  Thanks for listening to anyone who’s made it this far.  I want to be honest in this blog.  I’m curious to know if this post resonated with anyone.  What do you do to cope?  How do you balance your needs vs. your significant other’s needs?  Till next time,

— Joyce.

PS:  My nerves are so bad right now!  Thinking about this, and is my new book going to sell a single copy?  Is it good enough?  I’m working on another, bigger writing project right now.  It won’t be finished for quite some time.  I have a lot of rewriting and editing to do on it.  In DBT, they teach you things like getting enough sleep helps you regulate your emotions better.  I have been trying to do that.  I need to review my DBT binders.  Like I said, I’ll make it through.  Thanks again for listening!

Communication Problems

My husband and I had a little chat the other night.  We don’t do that too often.  He said that I didn’t contribute much to the conversation.  I replied that I’m more of a listener, and that I tried to talk some too.  I’ve never been very good at conversation with him.  He always says that we’ve been together for years and I should be good at it by now.  I’m better at making conversation with my parents and sister, as long as its not about mental health.  Nothing too serious.

I don’t know why I can’t make conversation with my hubby.  I wish I could to his satisfaction.  Another thing he says sometimes is that we have nothing in common.  We have a lot of different interests but we also suffer from some of the same things – depression, anxiety, social anxiety.  So we understand each other pretty well in those areas I think.

Do you have communication problems like this?  How do you handle it?  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have a conversation to his approval.  Thanks for listening.  Till next time,

— Joyce.

My Husband’s Diagnoses and Our Relationship

I am in recovery from BPD.  My husband has his own problems.  We never do anything together.  He suffers from depression, anxiety, social anxiety, agoraphobia.  He never leaves the house.  At our old house, he used to go to the park and play with the kids.  Now, he doesn’t even play out back with our son.  Once in a blue moon, we watch a movie.  But that’s really rare.

I wish we had our old house back.  I miss it so much.  My husband even misses it.  He hated it the whole time we lived there, but now he wishes we still lived there instead of where we’re living now.  I used to sometimes have alone time to listen to my music without my headphones on, so I could sing along and get lost in the music.  I can’t do that anymore since he never leaves the house, and he hates my music.  Everyone hates my music.

He used to have hobbies, which he can’t work on at this house.  He used to build drum kits.  He had one almost ready to sell, along with a guitar he built but then they were lost in the fire.  He has a drum kit of his own he plays once in a while.  He’d like to play every day but he doesn’t.  I think it’s because of depression and other issues.  I wish he’d get some help.  I think everyone in this family could use some help, but I’m the only one getting any.  I wish I could convince him to see someone, but he won’t for various reasons/(excuses?)

Everything was so different when the kids were little.  My sister used to come over sometimes for the night and help out.  He’d get some alone time to play his music, and my sister and I would take the kids out for the day.  We’d go to the park, the library, the boardwalk along the river.  And maybe once a month, the kids would go over to my parents’ house for the night and my hubby and I would get a night off together.  That hasn’t happened for a few years now.  I miss it so much!

Thanks again for listening to my rambling.  I don’t know what to do about this anymore.  There’s probably nothing that I can do.  Except take care of myself by doing what I’m doing now – going to the Peer Support Centre every weekday and attending groups to better myself and socialize.  Talk to you all later,

– Joyce.

December Update

My husband and I had a date Friday.  We hadn’t had one for several months.  It was so nice for a change!  Sunday, we watched movies together.  We haven’t done that for about a year.  We were supposed to have a date yesterday, but he cancelled it Monday night.  I don’t know why.  I’ve been going through so many emotions because of it – mainly depression, and wondering why he cancelled it.  My moods have been up and down all week.

I was hoping we’d get some money I’d been expecting today, but we haven’t gotten it.  Maybe next month.  I was hoping so much that it would come in this month, with it being Christmas.  Oh, well!  We’ll give our son a good Christmas somehow anyways.  We’ll be all right somehow.  We always are.

Our daughter came over last night, wanting money again, for groceries.  I made out a receipt and had her sign it, showing that we gave her the money, so they can’t come back later and say that we never gave them anything.  We’re just about into our overdraft on our account and the rent hasn’t even come out yet.  They can’t need it that badly if they wait until the middle of the month to take it out.  If it was me, I’d take it out right on the first of the month, or as soon as possible after.  We can’t find their number to get a hold of them.  Oh well!

I hope everyone is having a good December.  I’m still looking for those positive “Christmas with BPD” stories.  I hope to hear from some of you soon.  Thanks,


Counselling Now Bi-Weekly

I saw my counsellor today.  I had a good appointment with her.  I’ll only be seeing her every other week for the next six months, then see how things are going.  Unless something comes up and I need to see her every week for a while.

I’m really worried about my son.  He’s 12 years old and he’s too shy to go to the store and pick up something for me.  It would be really nice if he could do errands like that for me sometimes.  I used to do that for my parents when I was his age.  He needs to get over his shyness a bit.  I even offered to go with him last night but he wouldn’t do it.  He just shouted “NO!” at me.  It would be really good if his dad could take him.  He has social anxiety really bad too and never goes anywhere.  It’s so hard dealing with all this every day.  I have my own mental problems to deal with.  I suffer from shyness and social anxiety too.  But I’m doing something about it.  I wish they would!

I don’t know what I’m gonna do about my daughter asking for money all the time.  I wish they’d approve her for Welfare.  We can’t afford to keep giving her money for takeout and smokes and stuff when she’s not even living here anymore.  I’ve given her gift cards for the grocery store but she keeps asking for cash.  Yesterday, I hadn’t slept the night before and was too exhausted to fight with her about it.  She showed up at the Peer Support Centre with her boyfriend and asked for money.  I said no.  She asked a few more times.  I kept saying no.  Finally, they left.  Success!  Or so I thought.  They came back later and she had me all confused, so I ended up just giving her a few bucks.

Till next time,

– Joyce.

An Epiphany

I didn’t sleep the best again last night.  I think I figured out why I was so upset last night.  I think it’s because I was prepared for a certain reaction from my husband and, even though it was a good reaction, it wasn’t the one I had psyched myself up for.  I was prepared for him to be upset with me but he wasn’t.  He didn’t mention anything about what he had said the other night that upset me.  Maybe I felt like he should be upset with me yesterday for visiting my parents and leaving him to deal with our kids for the day without me there.  But I needed to get away for my own sanity.  Between him and what’s happening with our daughter…Which a lot of the reason I’ve had trouble sleeping the last couple of nights has been because I’m worrying about her.  Where is she staying?  Maybe she’ll show up at the Peer Support Centre today.  Then I can give her another gift card for the grocery store.

It’s weird how, when you’re prepared for one outcome, and you get a different one, even though it’s a good one, it can get you so upset, because it’s not the one you psyched yourself up for.  Does this make any sense?  It sorta does to me.  Has anything like this ever happened to you?  Please let me know in the comments below.  Thank you,

– Joyce.

Things Are Getting To Me Even Worse!

Last night, my husband told our daughter that her boyfriend couldn’t spend the night here.  She said that if he couldn’t then she wouldn’t either.  I have no idea where they stayed last night, or where they’re staying tonight.  Is she walking the streets all night?  Sleeping on a park bench?  Or did they find somewhere to stay?

I spent the day at my parents’ house visiting them and my sister.  I had a great day and forgot about things for a little bit.  We had a barbecue for lunch and corn-on-the-cob for supper.  Yum!  I showed my sister how to do some stuff on the computer.  I think she really appreciated it.  I let her copy some of my songs onto her laptop.

When I got home, I asked my son how his day went.  He had fun skateboarding as usual.  I got him a bedtime snack.  (Ice cream!)

I asked my husband how his day went.  He said it was just like any other day.  Then he said something nice and I felt like crying because I thought he’d be upset with me and he wasn’t.  I know that doesn’t make any sense, but that’s how I feel.  Everything is still getting to me.  Thank God the Peer Support Centre is open tomorrow.  I really need to talk to somebody.  I see my counsellor on Wednesday.  I wish this situation with my daughter would improve.  I don’t know if my husband remembers what he said the other day or not.  I’ve been thinking about it all last night and today.  I could hardly sleep last night.  I kept waking up every couple of hours.

I hope they let my daughter get on Welfare.  Then they’ll have their own money and a place to stay and we won’t have to worry about them either staying here or on the streets.  Thanks for listening to my rambling again!

– Joyce

It feels like everything is falling apart.

My daughter and I went to the Welfare office yesterday.  I don’t know if they’re going to let her get on it or not.  Her and her boyfriend showed up here at midnight last night saying they had nowhere else to stay.  We told them that they could stay here and that he could sleep on the couch.  He didn’t.

They came back today and said that they couldn’t stay with their friend they were staying with, because their friend was away.  So they’re planning on staying here again tonight.  My husband doesn’t want them to.  I’m not feeling the best.  My husband and I had a talk yesterday and tonight he said something about our relationship that really hurt.  I wish things could get better.  I still feel like crying.  I don’t know how much more of this I can take.  Everything is so hard right now.  At least I had fun playing with my son today.  We drew pictures and guessed what they were.  I watched him skateboard for a bit.

It feels like everything is falling apart.

– Joyce.