Powerful emotions can be scary. Grief, anger, sadness, pain, fear, can feel intense, overwhelming, and out of control…Instead of fearing these emotions, we must
Here is the video mentioned in the article:
Powerful emotions can be scary. Grief, anger, sadness, pain, fear, can feel intense, overwhelming, and out of control…Instead of fearing these emotions, we must
Here is the video mentioned in the article:
The things that I usually find enjoyable – eg. checking out Facebook posts and blog posts, is very overwhelming for me right now. I wish I could enjoy it. It’s the only thing that makes me feel better usually. That and blasting music on the headphones while playing games on the computer. Which I did last night until about 5 am. I woke up about 8 am. I enjoy doing that but not for hours and hours in the middle of the night when I’d rather be sleeping.
Just needed to let this little rant out. Thanks again for listening,
I’m feeling very overwhelmed right now. There’s so much that I want to do, and I don’t have the money or the energy to do it all. I have ideas for things I would like to create for my store and this blog but I don’t know where to start. My brain just freezes. If things weren’t so bad with our daughter wanting money all the time, it wouldn’t be quite so bad. Then at least I could afford a few things for myself that I’d like to get. I’d like to purchase some more books.
If only my body could keep up with my mind, I’d be at my ideal weight in no time! Sometimes it feels like a hamster running in its little wheel, going nowhere. Just going around and around and around…
I don’t know if this post makes sense today but I’m just letting it out. I need a faster computer and internet connection, which costs money, which I don’t have.
I was looking back at my previous posts by searching the word “overwhelmed”. A lot came up! It was a lot different in some of my posts then than now. A lot has changed, but a lot has stayed the same. That didn’t make much sense, did it?
Back then, my mother-in-law didn’t understand my BPD and was invalidating me all the time. We had a few talks and she understands me much better now. We get along so much better now than we did back then!
Thanks for listening again. Till next time,
I feel like I’m gonna have a nervous breakdown because of our daughter. I’m so tired of everything. I’m tired of being so broke. I’m tired of trying to be strong all the time. I wish my husband would try a little bit to get better. He suffers from social anxiety. So do I. I’m trying to work on mine. He never leaves the house. I’d say he has agoraphobia. I used to, years ago. I worked very hard to overcome it.
My daughter asked me for money again tonight. She said her stomach was bothering her. I offered her something for it, but she said that she needed something specific that she could only get downtown. She started fussing until I agreed to go to the corner store next door and get some money out of the bank machine to give her. I offered her a few bucks, but it wasn’t enough. She wanted more.
I feel like crying. I’ve felt it coming for a long time – months. I think I might start crying soon and not be able to stop. She said they also needed soap and body wash and stuff. I got a few things together for her, but she didn’t want them. It’s so unfair! I wish she’d get paid already! Then she wouldn’t have to give me a nervous breakdown bugging us for money all the time.
I’ve tried so hard to help her out – telling her where they can get meals cheap or free (Peer Support Centre or Mission), offering to help her out with budgeting and making out shopping lists, etc. But it’s never good enough. I can’t take any more! It’s been months of this! I wish she’d go to the local Community Mental Health Centre and talk to a counselor there. But she won’t do that. They could hook her up with various organizations that could help them out. But she won’t. She’d rather give me a nervous breakdown. I know I’m rambling but I can’t help it tonight. I’ve had enough! I really can’t take anymore. I’m starting to hate my daughter. I feel horrible saying that but the thought of seeing her fills me with dread. What a rotten thing to say about my daughter, eh?
We’ve used almost all of our overdraft and we still have a few more days until we get our Baby Bonus. As soon as we get it, half of it will go towards paying back our overdraft. Then I have to pay the credit card companies. With no money. And buy groceries. The only thing I use the one credit card for is mostly just for groceries. Not anything frivolous. I used to save our overdraft for emergencies only. Now we don’t even have any money hardly. We’ve already had our water shut off for a few hours until I called and paid the minimum to get it turned back on again.
Right now, I’m blasting music on my headphones and trying to make everything go away for a little while. It’s sort of working for now. I don’t know for how long though. I’m feeling totally overwhelmed right now. I’ll let you know how I’m feeling later.
I HATE WINTER! I hate it with a passion! It’s my least favourite season of all. I hate all the freezing to death, bundling up any time you want to go anywhere, the snowbanks, the ice, the wind chills, the blizzards, etc, etc. I’ve been stuck in the house all week long because of this stupid weather.
I’m in such a rut. I’m so out of shape, fatigued, depressed because I’m too out of shape to do anything. Just thinking about things gets me so overwhelmed. I’ve tried doing some different things to break out of this rut, and it’s not working. I hate hearing the wind howling at the windows all the time, especially when I’m trying to sleep. There’s another thing – sleep, what is that anyways? Something that eludes me as much as possible every night. Taunting me. I get so overwhelmed by everything that I have to lay down for half of the afternoon.
I wish it was Spring. Then at least I could enjoy going for a walk every day without freezing to death. Maybe instead of concentrating on walking as much as possible this year, I should concentrate on toning up. I’ve tried it a few times, but it’s just not working like it used to.
I’ve never been this out of shape in my entire life. Not even when I was nine months pregnant with my son, almost twelve years ago. I’m 5’2″ and I weigh about 195 lbs! I hate it so much!
I usually try to keep this blog as positive as possible but I’m not feeling very positive at the moment. I also try to keep it real. These are my thoughts and feelings for months now. I really needed to vent. Can anyone relate?
Only two-and-a-half weeks until my birthday, but that’s another post. Hope you had a good Christmas and that your winter is going better than mine,
As someone with BPD, I am overwhelmed very easily. It’s been an extremely difficult year for me. I have DBT skills that I have learned what works for me. I suffer from fatigue constantly. I need much longer to complete tasks than most people – eg. housework. My husband and mother-in-law do most of it. I feel extremely guilty because of it. This leads to depression. My mother-in-law offers “advice” which doesn’t help. All it does it make me feel worse. I can’t just “snap out of it.” I do the best I can, but I feel like it’s never good enough, like I’m never good enough. I feel so totally invalidated all the time. I wish they could understand but no one wants to talk about it. My mother-in-law says that they’ve read all about it and “know all about it.” What have they read about it? Is it from a reliable source? Or is it all misconceptions? They know all about it? Try living with it every day!
I haven’t really blogged in a long time because my daughter told my husband that “Mom’s writing all about us!” I struggled with whether I should continue or just reblog others’ posts. I really need an outlet where I can vent my feelings and not be invalidated or put down because of it. I showed them this blog when I first created it because I thought it might help them understand BPD and me better.
I have so much inside me that’s been dying to come out. I’m sure if it makes sense to anybody else or not. Our brains are wired differently than most people’s. But we are good enough the way we are, even though I can’t believe that right now. It takes me a lot longer to process my feelings than people without the disorder. If they interrupt that process, it takes even longer. When it happens repeatedly, it’s extremely damaging to my self-esteem. I feel like I have to have some alone time to distract myself from the overwhelming thoughts and feelings. If I don’t get that, or am made to feel guilty for it, it leads to depression.
Almost every day, I go to the local Peer Support Center. I attend several groups there. I am trying so hard to better myself and spread awareness of BPD. As soon as I get home, any good feelings I had earlier instantly disappear, replaced with dread and a feeling of impending doom, like I’m marching off to my death. Other people would call this overreacting, but I’m sure many people would agree with me. I feel it physically in my body. My husband and mother-in-law think that housework is more important. I think that my mental health is the most important thing, and that if they would stop invalidating me all the time, I would be so much better and could do the housework a little better. Probably not at the pace that they would like, but at a pace which I am capable of. To expect more than that from me is more devastating that they could possibly know.
My husband needs counselling as well but has had bad experiences with it in the past. He says he’s “too old.” I believe you’re never to old to get the help you need. If I’m in pain, I’m going to get help as soon as possible!
Anyways, sorry for the rant. Just tired of feeling so overwhelmed all the time. Thanks to anyone who actually finished reading this!
You may notice that sometimes my posts/reblogs have a certain theme to them, then I switch to another theme, then back to the first theme again. Why do I do this? Well, sometimes certain things get to me and I have to repost everything I see about it. Then it may get too overwhelming/triggering and I may have to switch themes for a while, then go back to the original theme when I’m ready. Does anyone else do this? Just curious to know.
I’ve had a very difficult weekend with our daughter. She had a temper tantrum because I wouldn’t give her any money. She did her usual behaviours, which she hasn’t for a while. Things were getting better – so I thought. My nerves were very raw all day. I cried my eyes out that afternoon, and went for a quick walk. I didn’t feel a lot better but I felt slightly better later. I waited until I got tired enough that I could try going to sleep. The next day was my DBT skills group. I couldn’t wait to get out of here. I went for a walk with my husband and son earlier that evening. I’m so out of shape! I wish I wasn’t.
We’ve been having problems with her and money. She keeps asking for money. We give her some, then she asks for more. We have to figure out an allowance for her. We can’t really afford it. We’ve tried in the past to be fair, and it hasn’t worked. She always wants more, and used to throw a temper tantrum if we didn’t give it to her.
We’ve also had problems with her curfew. She called us at 11:00 pm last night to say that she was staying at her friend’s for the night. We’ve told her to call before then so that we don’t worry. Then we heard banging on the door at 1:00 this morning. It was her with a different friend. They went to her room, giggling and talking loudly for a few minutes, then her friend left and our daughter stayed in her room. Then I had to get our son up for school, who was grouchy as usual. He just made it to the bus, as usual.
Life is so exhausting!
A woman with Borderline Personality Disorder describes what it’s like to struggle with the difficulties of black and white thinking and how she deals with it every day. Her husband’s view, The Black and White Thinking of Borderline Personality Disorder, follows.
Last Tuesday, I met with my counsellor and my mother-in-law to try to help her understand my BPD. We had a very good talk and I think she’s finally beginning to understand it a bit more. I tried to explain to her how she was unintentionally invalidating me constantly. She told me that she wasn’t saying anything bad to me. I explained to her that it doesn’t matter what she says or how she says it, that to someone with BPD, especially with me, it always feels like criticising and that I’m not good enough. She asked what she could do to make it better and I told her “nothing. Just do your own thing. You can’t make this go away. I’m the only one who can help me.” She got a look on her face like she finally “got it.” Also kind of sad for me.
My counsellor thought that I was very articulate, and told my mother-in-law that I’m doing everything I need to be doing to keep myself as well as I can be. I’m seeing both of them again this Tuesday. It’s good practice for me for running a group or presentation on BPD to educate people on the disorder. I’m learning more about myself every day.
I was so exhausted afterwards that I had to lay down for an hour. People don’t realize how exhausting it is for those of us with BPD just managing our emotions every day. It just comes to them naturally.
I’ll keep you posted on how it goes Tuesday. Till then,
I’m always saying to my husband “I was gonna do that, but…” And then he says “You were gonna…You were gonna…But you never do it. You always have excuses.” I always feel so many emotions all at the same time when this happens. The first and main thing is the feeling of “I’m not good enough.” I also feel guilt, shame, overwhelmed, anxiety, frustrated, misunderstood and depression.
Does anyone else go through this? How do you handle it?
Having BPD is like having a tape recorder (yes, I’m dating myself) playing in your head 24/7, 365 days a year, every year of your life. It’s like a bunch of “voices” all at the same time constantly telling you that you’re not good enough. You can never pause it or stop it or turn the volume down on it. If you’re lucky, you can find a way to drown it out. Those ways are usually self-destructive.
If you get the proper diagnosis, you can learn DBT skills, and learn healthier ways to deal with these voices in your head. They can become a little quieter, but they may never be silenced.
The voices in my head get very overwhelming a lot of the time. I need to distract myself from them by putting on my headphones and blasting my music, until I can feel better. How soon I can feel better depends on many factors. My environment, people I’m with (family usually), how long the emotions have been building up.
My mother-in-law accused me of not thinking about supper until its time to eat. If only she knew what it’s like. You get so overwhelmed by your thoughts, you’re literally paralyzed by them, and can’t even think straight. I have a million thoughts in my head, all at the same time, from the moment I wake up, before I’m even out of bed, until bedtime.
If you’d like to read more about what a typical day is like for me, click here: https://makebpdstigmafree.wordpress.com/2013/05/03/a-typical-day-for-me/
Do you ever feel not listened to? I have ever since I was a kid. I’m always treated like a two-year-old by my husband and mother-in-law. I always feel like it’s amazing I’m alive today because I must be the stupidest person on Earth. Too dumb to live. Dumber than dirt. Like if it was raining outside, I’d been to dumb to come in out of the rain, and I’d catch pneumonia and die.
I need validation and understanding, especially from my mother-in-law. But she keeps doing the same things over and over, even though I’ve told her a million times that it makes me feel worse instead of better. I don’t need to be reminded of every little thing I need to do every minute of the day. I just get overwhelmed and paralyzed. My brain stops working logically. I have to distract myself to feel better. Then I’m not getting anything done around the house. Then I get told I’m not doing anything around here. If she would just listen to me, this vicious circle could be avoided. I guess she would rather be right than to have me do anything around here, or else she would stop.
All she sees is me sitting at the computer all day, every day. Or else I go to the peer support centre downtown for the morning and afternoon, to get a break from her. Which usually helps a little bit. Until I get home. Then I have to listen to it all over again. She doesn’t see what goes on in my head.
I dread getting up in the morning, knowing I’m gonna have to deal with my son and daughter, and my mother-in-law. I dread getting home from the peer support centre or my parents’ house, because I know it’s back to the same old thing, all over again. And she wonders why I feel so bad all the time, and why I can never get anything done around here.
She keeps saying that maybe I need a new therapist or a new medication. No, I just need her to LEAVE ME ALONE! If she’d do that, I’d feel a lot better.
Please see these posts:
I have been trying to explain my BPD to my mother-in-law for months. At first, she had no idea what I was talking about. But she gets a little bit more out of every conversation we have. It’s such a complex disorder to try to explain to someone who doesn’t have it. I believe they can only understand it to a point. They don’t have to live with it every day of their lives. They can only try to imagine what it must be like. At least with depression or Bipolar, you can feel better, with either time or medication or therapy or a combination of them, and the symptoms go away. With BPD, it never goes away. You can learn how to manage the symptoms, your emotions and behaviour, but it’s always going to be there, for the rest of your life. It’s absolutely exhausting! People expect too much of you. They think that, if only you’d try a little harder. They’re seeing things through their own eyes, not ours. They don’t have our brains. They think that, if you were trying as hard as you possibly can, you’d be handling things just like them, and you’d be doing so much better. They don’t realize that, you’re doing the best that you can. You’re never going to be like them. That doesn’t mean that you’re any worse than them. It just means that since your brain works differently, and they have to realize that.
When people expect too much of you, its extremely invalidating. What they need to do is validate us by saying “I don’t understand exactly how you feel, but I know that you’re doing the best you can.” This will make us feel validated and then we can get better, at our own pace. When they push us to do things that we are not capable of, that just makes us feel worse instead of better. With me, I feel very overwhelmed and paralyzed and I can’t think straight or do anything. Then they get upset with me for not doing anything, which makes me feel even worse. I feel so many things so intensely, all at the same time – anger, guilt, etc. “I’m not good enough.” I just goes into a vicious circle of negative emotions. Every time I try to explain it to my mother-in-law, she says “Oh, that must be awful!” And it is. Sure, sometimes it can be a good thing, but it’s also extremely difficult to live with.
What are your experiences with trying to explain your BPD to others? Have you had any success or not? If so, what do you find helpful? I’ve included some helpful links at the end of this post.
Just looking back at some of my FaceBook shares and noticed this post. I never knew how to describe this feeling, but this sums it up perfectly! Other people just can’t understand how this feels, but at least they can validate your feelings.
By Becky Oberg of More Than Borderline. “You look fine to me” is heard by people on Disability all the time. It is an invisible illness, and is highly stigmatized.
Feeling like this is such a lonely place.
I am about to combust. I thought it happened a week ago but I was wrong. I haven’t given my body and mind a chance to recover, therefore my emotions are like an open wound and salt is rubbed in at the littlest sign of any stress.
Sadly, stress likes to find me everyday. Not the stresses that people would usually deal with, say, the car breaking down on the way to work or spilling your tea over all your paperwork that you spent hours on. No, not those types of things. For me, a little look from someone that I didn’t feel quite comfortable with or leaving the staffroom when there are lots of people in there… or saying something to someone only to worry about how I sounded… walking through the hall when somebody’s using it… worrying CONSTANTLY…
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I experience major stress, just waiting for something bad to happen. It always does. Because of that, I become paralyzed and can hardly do anything. Then people get mad at me for not doing anything, which makes my stress even worse. I feel overwhelmed, misunderstood. I have thoughts and feelings of “I’m not good enough.” I feel extremely fatigued. Every time I try to do something, despite my fatigue, it never turns out right. Then I feel like “Why even bother?” And everyone wonders why I feel the way I do.
People offer “advice”. To me, it just feels like criticism, constantly. To me, I hear, “You’re not good enough. You should do it this way, my way, the right way. You never do anything right. Your things aren’t good enough.” My things get thrown out. They’re MY things. I needed my own little space where I could write. I didn’t even feel like I was allowed to have that, that I wasn’t worthy of it. And people wonder why I feel the way I do.
Every morning, I get stressed out trying to get my son up for school, because he won’t go to bed earlier at night. Of course, I get “advice” for that, which gets my day off to a horrible start. At least he doesn’t hit me for trying to get him up, like my daughter used to. Then I have to spend half the morning with my headphones on blasting music, trying to calm down and feel better. But then I’m not getting anything done, which makes me not feel any better.
Then of course, later, I hear from my mother-in-law, who lives with us, how “I thought I tidied up in here” meaning, hint hint, I didn’t clean up. And then she starts doing the dishes, with a heavy sigh, which I was going to do in my own way, in my own time, which is not good enough because “You should do them first thing and get them over with. That’s how I always do it.” In other words, my way isn’t good enough. I should do it her way, in her time. Which makes me feel guilty and terrible.
My mother-in-law usually does the cooking around here. She told me, “You never think about supper until suppertime.” Really? Can you read my mind? If so, you really suck at it! Because, from the moment I wake up, I think, “What should I make for supper tonight? I could make this, but nobody would eat it. My son is so fussy and I’ve heard that you’re not supposed to force kids to eat or else they’ll develop eating disorders. And I haven’t got the energy to make something that nobody’s going to eat, or make something separate for everybody. And what do I make that goes with this? Is this a balanced meal? I’ll think about it some more later. I’m getting really overwhelmed right now.” My husband got food poisoning years ago from a certain fast-food place, so he’s really paranoid about his meat not being cooked enough. I always try to make sure it’s well-done. We’ve eaten it like that for years, and everyone enjoys it.
I thought I’d make some sausage patties for supper one night. I made extra for the next day. I like to make my own breakfast sandwiches, but I usually don’t because I don’t feel up to it in the mornings. I thought all I have to do the next day is just warm them up. My mother-in-law thought, “Ew, nobody can eat these!” and threw them out. Sure, throw them out after all my hard work! No wonder I don’t usually cook around here. My cooking is garbage. I’m garbage. I’m not good enough. Nothing I ever do is good enough!
I try to get my son to bed at a reasonable time so he can get up in the morning, but he won’t. His dad gave up on even trying and just lets him stay up late. Then the next morning, my son raises his voice to me saying “I don’t have to get up yet!” Then his dad comes out of the bedroom, shouting “WHAT’S GOING ON?!”
On top of all this, I’m dealing with my dad just being diagnosed with inoperable cancer, and our teenaged daughter getting into trouble, which we’ve been dealing with for a few years, but has gotten worse since our house burned down last August and we lost pretty much everything.
Anyway, this is what a typical day is like for me. And every day, I get to do it all over again! Gee, I wonder why I feel the way I do? I LOVE MY LIFE! (Insert sarcasm here.)
Cate Reddell writes...
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