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Blog For Mental Health 2015
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My daughter and her boyfriend just stayed here for a couple of nights. Yesterday, they were invited to supper at a friend of mine’s place. I think they spent the night there. I think she’s gonna let them spend another night or two there, then they’re gonna be put up at a motel for a couple of nights courtesy of the local women’s shelter. Then they’re supposed to spend December at a motel at a monthly rate. I hope everything works out for them because my nerves are totally shot. I’m gonna lose it one of these days. I can just feel it.
They didn’t really cause too much trouble when they were here. They did a load or two of laundry. They were supposed to go to an appointment with a worker, and they were running late because my daughter was dilly-dallying, as usual. She has no ambition whatsoever. I can see very lazy too, but mine is from fatigue. At least I try. It seems like she doesn’t even try. It might take me a while to get things done but I get them done. If I have an appointment though, I’m always on time, usually a few minutes early.
I still won’t feel better until I know for sure that they have that motel room for December. It’s too cold for them to just be walking the streets all night, without even money for a hot coffee. We can’t really give them any money, we don’t have any. All of ours went to them and bills and groceries. All I do is worry!
My daughter got a bit of an attitude while she was here, as usual. Her boyfriend called her a grouch, but she didn’t say anything. If that had been us, she would have shouted at us “I AM NOT!” Every time we said anything to her, her response was “Whatever!” No respect whatsoever. She wasn’t too bad but if they had stayed any longer, she would have been. You never know when she’s gonna blow up at you. She’s sold things from the house before. She’s put dents in the wall. She broken her bedroom door off its hinges. It’s just best if she doesn’t stay here.
I feel so friggin’ guilty though! I just hope that they find out soon 100% that they have a place to stay for December. Then maybe I won’t have to feel quite so bad.
My daughter finally applied for welfare. She did it online while she was here. They went to Social Services yesterday and it sounds like they’re gonna give it to her. Thank God! At least I don’t have to worry about that now.
Thanks everyone for being here for me,
My daughter showed up at the Peer Support Centre today. She wanted money for takeout for lunch again. I told her that we couldn’t afford it. She started crying and trying to make me feel guilty. She said that she’d have to start begging random people on the street for money for food. I told her that she could grab an apple or a granola bar at the Peer Support Centre for free to hold her until suppertime. She didn’t want an apple or a granola bar. She wanted takeout. Eventually she left. I talked to the staff and to my counselor today. My nerves get so bad wondering when she’s gonna come next and bug me for money. The Peer Support Centre is supposed to be my place to take care of me and de-stress. She comes there and causes stress. Where do I go now? What do I do?
She told me today that her and her boyfriend are supposed to get their own place at the end of the month. I asked her how they could afford it. She said with his Welfare cheque. I told her that she should call them and be put on his cheque, but she won’t call. She’s gonna be off our cheque. We won’t get any Baby Bonus money for her. We’ll have to start looking for a cheaper place as soon as possible.
I know she’s probably gonna be there tomorrow. I’m dreading it! I’ll have to say no to her again, and she’ll probably start crying again. She says she keeps sleeping in and missing lunch. She needs to set an alarm clock to wake herself up in time to sign up for lunch at the Peer Support Centre or go to the Mission for lunch. Not my problem!
Sorry for the rant again today! It really got to me when she started crying. It was so hard to say no. Which was exactly her intention of course. But I did it. I’ll probably have to do it again tomorrow, though. Wish me luck!
I feel like I’m gonna have a nervous breakdown because of our daughter. I’m so tired of everything. I’m tired of being so broke. I’m tired of trying to be strong all the time. I wish my husband would try a little bit to get better. He suffers from social anxiety. So do I. I’m trying to work on mine. He never leaves the house. I’d say he has agoraphobia. I used to, years ago. I worked very hard to overcome it.
My daughter asked me for money again tonight. She said her stomach was bothering her. I offered her something for it, but she said that she needed something specific that she could only get downtown. She started fussing until I agreed to go to the corner store next door and get some money out of the bank machine to give her. I offered her a few bucks, but it wasn’t enough. She wanted more.
I feel like crying. I’ve felt it coming for a long time – months. I think I might start crying soon and not be able to stop. She said they also needed soap and body wash and stuff. I got a few things together for her, but she didn’t want them. It’s so unfair! I wish she’d get paid already! Then she wouldn’t have to give me a nervous breakdown bugging us for money all the time.
I’ve tried so hard to help her out – telling her where they can get meals cheap or free (Peer Support Centre or Mission), offering to help her out with budgeting and making out shopping lists, etc. But it’s never good enough. I can’t take any more! It’s been months of this! I wish she’d go to the local Community Mental Health Centre and talk to a counselor there. But she won’t do that. They could hook her up with various organizations that could help them out. But she won’t. She’d rather give me a nervous breakdown. I know I’m rambling but I can’t help it tonight. I’ve had enough! I really can’t take anymore. I’m starting to hate my daughter. I feel horrible saying that but the thought of seeing her fills me with dread. What a rotten thing to say about my daughter, eh?
We’ve used almost all of our overdraft and we still have a few more days until we get our Baby Bonus. As soon as we get it, half of it will go towards paying back our overdraft. Then I have to pay the credit card companies. With no money. And buy groceries. The only thing I use the one credit card for is mostly just for groceries. Not anything frivolous. I used to save our overdraft for emergencies only. Now we don’t even have any money hardly. We’ve already had our water shut off for a few hours until I called and paid the minimum to get it turned back on again.
Right now, I’m blasting music on my headphones and trying to make everything go away for a little while. It’s sort of working for now. I don’t know for how long though. I’m feeling totally overwhelmed right now. I’ll let you know how I’m feeling later.
My counsellor asked me today if I’d ever thought about ending therapy. I hadn’t really thought about it. I’ve been in therapy for about twenty years now. It feels kind of like a lifeline for me. She mentioned that I do have a lot of friends at the Peer Support Centre. That’s true. I’ve never had that before. I’m doing a lot better than I ever have. She said that, if I needed to, I can always start therapy again. But there’d probably be a waiting list. (Just my thoughts)
There’s going to be a big Annual Symposium on Recovery next month, with people from all of the Peer Support Centres in my area going. They’ve chosen my recovery story and a few others to be featured there. I’m so nervous! I’ve never done anything like this before. But I’m also flattered.
My daughter said that her and her boyfriend have officially moved in with their friend and aren’t just crashing at his place anymore. They’re paying part of the rent and expenses, supposedly. At least she won’t be in limbo anymore. Now we just have to tell ODSP. Then they’ll cut her off of our cheque. We’ll have to find a cheaper place to live. We can barely afford it now. Once they cut her off our cheque, we REALLY won’t be able to afford it!
I’m still waiting for my computer to be fixed. I hope I get it back soon and that I haven’t lost everything on it. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Thanks,
Last night, my husband told our daughter that her boyfriend couldn’t spend the night here. She said that if he couldn’t then she wouldn’t either. I have no idea where they stayed last night, or where they’re staying tonight. Is she walking the streets all night? Sleeping on a park bench? Or did they find somewhere to stay?
I spent the day at my parents’ house visiting them and my sister. I had a great day and forgot about things for a little bit. We had a barbecue for lunch and corn-on-the-cob for supper. Yum! I showed my sister how to do some stuff on the computer. I think she really appreciated it. I let her copy some of my songs onto her laptop.
When I got home, I asked my son how his day went. He had fun skateboarding as usual. I got him a bedtime snack. (Ice cream!)
I asked my husband how his day went. He said it was just like any other day. Then he said something nice and I felt like crying because I thought he’d be upset with me and he wasn’t. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but that’s how I feel. Everything is still getting to me. Thank God the Peer Support Centre is open tomorrow. I really need to talk to somebody. I see my counsellor on Wednesday. I wish this situation with my daughter would improve. I don’t know if my husband remembers what he said the other day or not. I’ve been thinking about it all last night and today. I could hardly sleep last night. I kept waking up every couple of hours.
I hope they let my daughter get on Welfare. Then they’ll have their own money and a place to stay and we won’t have to worry about them either staying here or on the streets. Thanks for listening to my rambling again!
My daughter and I went to the Welfare office yesterday. I don’t know if they’re going to let her get on it or not. Her and her boyfriend showed up here at midnight last night saying they had nowhere else to stay. We told them that they could stay here and that he could sleep on the couch. He didn’t.
They came back today and said that they couldn’t stay with their friend they were staying with, because their friend was away. So they’re planning on staying here again tonight. My husband doesn’t want them to. I’m not feeling the best. My husband and I had a talk yesterday and tonight he said something about our relationship that really hurt. I wish things could get better. I still feel like crying. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Everything is so hard right now. At least I had fun playing with my son today. We drew pictures and guessed what they were. I watched him skateboard for a bit.
It feels like everything is falling apart.
I HATE WINTER! I hate it with a passion! It’s my least favourite season of all. I hate all the freezing to death, bundling up any time you want to go anywhere, the snowbanks, the ice, the wind chills, the blizzards, etc, etc. I’ve been stuck in the house all week long because of this stupid weather.
I’m in such a rut. I’m so out of shape, fatigued, depressed because I’m too out of shape to do anything. Just thinking about things gets me so overwhelmed. I’ve tried doing some different things to break out of this rut, and it’s not working. I hate hearing the wind howling at the windows all the time, especially when I’m trying to sleep. There’s another thing – sleep, what is that anyways? Something that eludes me as much as possible every night. Taunting me. I get so overwhelmed by everything that I have to lay down for half of the afternoon.
I wish it was Spring. Then at least I could enjoy going for a walk every day without freezing to death. Maybe instead of concentrating on walking as much as possible this year, I should concentrate on toning up. I’ve tried it a few times, but it’s just not working like it used to.
I’ve never been this out of shape in my entire life. Not even when I was nine months pregnant with my son, almost twelve years ago. I’m 5’2″ and I weigh about 195 lbs! I hate it so much!
I usually try to keep this blog as positive as possible but I’m not feeling very positive at the moment. I also try to keep it real. These are my thoughts and feelings for months now. I really needed to vent. Can anyone relate?
Only two-and-a-half weeks until my birthday, but that’s another post. Hope you had a good Christmas and that your winter is going better than mine,
I’ve had a very difficult weekend with our daughter. She had a temper tantrum because I wouldn’t give her any money. She did her usual behaviours, which she hasn’t for a while. Things were getting better – so I thought. My nerves were very raw all day. I cried my eyes out that afternoon, and went for a quick walk. I didn’t feel a lot better but I felt slightly better later. I waited until I got tired enough that I could try going to sleep. The next day was my DBT skills group. I couldn’t wait to get out of here. I went for a walk with my husband and son earlier that evening. I’m so out of shape! I wish I wasn’t.
We’ve been having problems with her and money. She keeps asking for money. We give her some, then she asks for more. We have to figure out an allowance for her. We can’t really afford it. We’ve tried in the past to be fair, and it hasn’t worked. She always wants more, and used to throw a temper tantrum if we didn’t give it to her.
We’ve also had problems with her curfew. She called us at 11:00 pm last night to say that she was staying at her friend’s for the night. We’ve told her to call before then so that we don’t worry. Then we heard banging on the door at 1:00 this morning. It was her with a different friend. They went to her room, giggling and talking loudly for a few minutes, then her friend left and our daughter stayed in her room. Then I had to get our son up for school, who was grouchy as usual. He just made it to the bus, as usual.
Life is so exhausting!
Having BPD is like having a tape recorder (yes, I’m dating myself) playing in your head 24/7, 365 days a year, every year of your life. It’s like a bunch of “voices” all at the same time constantly telling you that you’re not good enough. You can never pause it or stop it or turn the volume down on it. If you’re lucky, you can find a way to drown it out. Those ways are usually self-destructive.
If you get the proper diagnosis, you can learn DBT skills, and learn healthier ways to deal with these voices in your head. They can become a little quieter, but they may never be silenced.
The voices in my head get very overwhelming a lot of the time. I need to distract myself from them by putting on my headphones and blasting my music, until I can feel better. How soon I can feel better depends on many factors. My environment, people I’m with (family usually), how long the emotions have been building up.
My mother-in-law accused me of not thinking about supper until its time to eat. If only she knew what it’s like. You get so overwhelmed by your thoughts, you’re literally paralyzed by them, and can’t even think straight. I have a million thoughts in my head, all at the same time, from the moment I wake up, before I’m even out of bed, until bedtime.
If you’d like to read more about what a typical day is like for me, click here: https://makebpdstigmafree.wordpress.com/2013/05/03/a-typical-day-for-me/
Fascinating article on how being stressed out can affect our memory:
I was explaining the incident with my parents’ neighbour to my mother-in-law this morning and she asked me if I should see my psychiatrist. I told her that that wouldn’t fix this. She told me that if something like that happens to her, she’s feel bad about it for a couple of days, but then she’d be over it. It must be nice to be able to do that. I told her that it doesn’t work like that for me.
I did everything that usually makes me feel better but it hasn’t worked. Sometimes it’ll help a little bit for a short time, but it always comes back. What do you do in a situation like this? Right now, it’s not too bad, but it’ll hit me out of the blue, at the worst possible time of course. Life is so hard to cope with without this, let alone having to deal with this too.
Feeling like this is such a lonely place.
I am about to combust. I thought it happened a week ago but I was wrong. I haven’t given my body and mind a chance to recover, therefore my emotions are like an open wound and salt is rubbed in at the littlest sign of any stress.
Sadly, stress likes to find me everyday. Not the stresses that people would usually deal with, say, the car breaking down on the way to work or spilling your tea over all your paperwork that you spent hours on. No, not those types of things. For me, a little look from someone that I didn’t feel quite comfortable with or leaving the staffroom when there are lots of people in there… or saying something to someone only to worry about how I sounded… walking through the hall when somebody’s using it… worrying CONSTANTLY…
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I experience major stress, just waiting for something bad to happen. It always does. Because of that, I become paralyzed and can hardly do anything. Then people get mad at me for not doing anything, which makes my stress even worse. I feel overwhelmed, misunderstood. I have thoughts and feelings of “I’m not good enough.” I feel extremely fatigued. Every time I try to do something, despite my fatigue, it never turns out right. Then I feel like “Why even bother?” And everyone wonders why I feel the way I do.
People offer “advice”. To me, it just feels like criticism, constantly. To me, I hear, “You’re not good enough. You should do it this way, my way, the right way. You never do anything right. Your things aren’t good enough.” My things get thrown out. They’re MY things. I needed my own little space where I could write. I didn’t even feel like I was allowed to have that, that I wasn’t worthy of it. And people wonder why I feel the way I do.
Every morning, I get stressed out trying to get my son up for school, because he won’t go to bed earlier at night. Of course, I get “advice” for that, which gets my day off to a horrible start. At least he doesn’t hit me for trying to get him up, like my daughter used to. Then I have to spend half the morning with my headphones on blasting music, trying to calm down and feel better. But then I’m not getting anything done, which makes me not feel any better.
Then of course, later, I hear from my mother-in-law, who lives with us, how “I thought I tidied up in here” meaning, hint hint, I didn’t clean up. And then she starts doing the dishes, with a heavy sigh, which I was going to do in my own way, in my own time, which is not good enough because “You should do them first thing and get them over with. That’s how I always do it.” In other words, my way isn’t good enough. I should do it her way, in her time. Which makes me feel guilty and terrible.
My mother-in-law usually does the cooking around here. She told me, “You never think about supper until suppertime.” Really? Can you read my mind? If so, you really suck at it! Because, from the moment I wake up, I think, “What should I make for supper tonight? I could make this, but nobody would eat it. My son is so fussy and I’ve heard that you’re not supposed to force kids to eat or else they’ll develop eating disorders. And I haven’t got the energy to make something that nobody’s going to eat, or make something separate for everybody. And what do I make that goes with this? Is this a balanced meal? I’ll think about it some more later. I’m getting really overwhelmed right now.” My husband got food poisoning years ago from a certain fast-food place, so he’s really paranoid about his meat not being cooked enough. I always try to make sure it’s well-done. We’ve eaten it like that for years, and everyone enjoys it.
I thought I’d make some sausage patties for supper one night. I made extra for the next day. I like to make my own breakfast sandwiches, but I usually don’t because I don’t feel up to it in the mornings. I thought all I have to do the next day is just warm them up. My mother-in-law thought, “Ew, nobody can eat these!” and threw them out. Sure, throw them out after all my hard work! No wonder I don’t usually cook around here. My cooking is garbage. I’m garbage. I’m not good enough. Nothing I ever do is good enough!
I try to get my son to bed at a reasonable time so he can get up in the morning, but he won’t. His dad gave up on even trying and just lets him stay up late. Then the next morning, my son raises his voice to me saying “I don’t have to get up yet!” Then his dad comes out of the bedroom, shouting “WHAT’S GOING ON?!”
On top of all this, I’m dealing with my dad just being diagnosed with inoperable cancer, and our teenaged daughter getting into trouble, which we’ve been dealing with for a few years, but has gotten worse since our house burned down last August and we lost pretty much everything.
Anyway, this is what a typical day is like for me. And every day, I get to do it all over again! Gee, I wonder why I feel the way I do? I LOVE MY LIFE! (Insert sarcasm here.)
Having Borderline Personality Disorder can be very depressing and stressful at times. It can be very hard to see a loved one like that. When I’m having an extremely difficult time managing my emotions and people offer solutions to “make me feel better”, all it does is make me feel totally invalidated – like I’m not good enough, I’m not doing well enough – despite using all the resources available to me, with my brain the way it functions, and circumstances at that time. If there is a lot going on at the time, it can be very overwhelming for me, and I am not capable of feeling as well as others at their baseline emotionally, as quickly as they are. Invalidating me at these times makes me really angry, defensive, inadequate, anxious, panicky and depressed – all at the same time – ten times worse than others would feel.
What I need at those times is validation of my feelings, and of my efforts to manage them to the best of my ability. People without Borderline Personality Disorder can understand only to a point.
People think that Borderlines have no empathy. Actually, it’s the exact opposite – we have too much empathy. We feel others’ emotions so intensely that we actually take on their emotions as well as our own. That’s what makes us so overwhelmed, and we don’t know how to react. It appears to not make any sense at all to someone else. Think of a computer whose circuits have overloaded from too much information that crashes.
Sometimes, it’ll seem like we’re overreacting to something very trivial. Usually, there’s a lot more to it and the minor incident is just the “straw that broke the camel’s back”. Sometimes we’re not even aware of what’s causing our outbursts. If you think it’s hard witnessing it, imagine what it’s like experiencing it – thinking “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I stop feeling like this?” It can be terrifying to the BPD sufferer.
The part of our brains that controls emotions is extremely active compared to “normal” people, and the part that stops the behaviour once it’s started doesn’t work. We have to constantly monitor our thoughts and emotions 24/7 every single day of our lives. It’s absolutely exhausting! After our “episodes” we’re drained.
BPD cannot be cured. The symptoms can be controlled with medication. Borderlines need therapy. The most effective therapy for BPD is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy or DBT. Through DBT, we learn how to manage our emotions so that they don’t take over our lives anymore.
What should you do when someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is having trouble coping with their emotions? If they are taking medication and/or are in treatment, know that they are doing everything they can possibly do to help themselves feel better. Ask them if there’s anything you can do for them. If they say no, believe them. They know themselves a lot better than you do. The more you practice this, the more it’ll improve. Just don’t expect them to do it at the pace you want them to. They’ll get better at whatever pace they do. Take care of yourself so you’ll be able to cope with us as we process our feelings. It might take a while, but it’ll be worth it. We are the most compassionate, empathetic people you could ever know. We love so fully. Please find it in your heart to love us back.