I experience major stress, just waiting for something bad to happen. It always does. Because of that, I become paralyzed and can hardly do anything. Then people get mad at me for not doing anything, which makes my stress even worse. I feel overwhelmed, misunderstood. I have thoughts and feelings of “I’m not good enough.” I feel extremely fatigued. Every time I try to do something, despite my fatigue, it never turns out right. Then I feel like “Why even bother?” And everyone wonders why I feel the way I do.
People offer “advice”. To me, it just feels like criticism, constantly. To me, I hear, “You’re not good enough. You should do it this way, my way, the right way. You never do anything right. Your things aren’t good enough.” My things get thrown out. They’re MY things. I needed my own little space where I could write. I didn’t even feel like I was allowed to have that, that I wasn’t worthy of it. And people wonder why I feel the way I do.
Every morning, I get stressed out trying to get my son up for school, because he won’t go to bed earlier at night. Of course, I get “advice” for that, which gets my day off to a horrible start. At least he doesn’t hit me for trying to get him up, like my daughter used to. Then I have to spend half the morning with my headphones on blasting music, trying to calm down and feel better. But then I’m not getting anything done, which makes me not feel any better.
Then of course, later, I hear from my mother-in-law, who lives with us, how “I thought I tidied up in here” meaning, hint hint, I didn’t clean up. And then she starts doing the dishes, with a heavy sigh, which I was going to do in my own way, in my own time, which is not good enough because “You should do them first thing and get them over with. That’s how I always do it.” In other words, my way isn’t good enough. I should do it her way, in her time. Which makes me feel guilty and terrible.
My mother-in-law usually does the cooking around here. She told me, “You never think about supper until suppertime.” Really? Can you read my mind? If so, you really suck at it! Because, from the moment I wake up, I think, “What should I make for supper tonight? I could make this, but nobody would eat it. My son is so fussy and I’ve heard that you’re not supposed to force kids to eat or else they’ll develop eating disorders. And I haven’t got the energy to make something that nobody’s going to eat, or make something separate for everybody. And what do I make that goes with this? Is this a balanced meal? I’ll think about it some more later. I’m getting really overwhelmed right now.” My husband got food poisoning years ago from a certain fast-food place, so he’s really paranoid about his meat not being cooked enough. I always try to make sure it’s well-done. We’ve eaten it like that for years, and everyone enjoys it.
I thought I’d make some sausage patties for supper one night. I made extra for the next day. I like to make my own breakfast sandwiches, but I usually don’t because I don’t feel up to it in the mornings. I thought all I have to do the next day is just warm them up. My mother-in-law thought, “Ew, nobody can eat these!” and threw them out. Sure, throw them out after all my hard work! No wonder I don’t usually cook around here. My cooking is garbage. I’m garbage. I’m not good enough. Nothing I ever do is good enough!
I try to get my son to bed at a reasonable time so he can get up in the morning, but he won’t. His dad gave up on even trying and just lets him stay up late. Then the next morning, my son raises his voice to me saying “I don’t have to get up yet!” Then his dad comes out of the bedroom, shouting “WHAT’S GOING ON?!”
On top of all this, I’m dealing with my dad just being diagnosed with inoperable cancer, and our teenaged daughter getting into trouble, which we’ve been dealing with for a few years, but has gotten worse since our house burned down last August and we lost pretty much everything.
Anyway, this is what a typical day is like for me. And every day, I get to do it all over again! Gee, I wonder why I feel the way I do? I LOVE MY LIFE! (Insert sarcasm here.)
See also: https://makebpdstigmafree.wordpress.com/2013/04/21/as-well-as-i-can-be/